[It shouldn’t soothe him to hear words like that. He shouldn’t want that sort of thing from Clive - should refuse, tell him that he deserves better. And he does deserve better, that much Joshua knows to be true. He deserves a love he doesn’t have to fear for, he deserves to never have to doubt or worry. Joshua can’t give him that, as much as he will try to, as much as he will fight for what peace they might find together. There will always be pressures on them. There will always be that fear of discovery.
Clive deserves better. Of course he does. But he deserves a choice, too, and so does Joshua. If they’ve both chosen each other, despite the danger, the fear of what might come, Joshua can’t tell him no. He can’t refuse that choice. After all, isn’t he choosing the same thing?
He curls into Clive’s embrace, sliding his arms around his brother in turn, holding him close enough to feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat. He could stay like this forever, he thinks, and be happy.]
I don’t want you to have to lose anything for me. Never.
[Joshua is tired, but he struggles against the weariness. As if, if he lets himself sleep, this will all disappear.
He knows it won’t. When he wakes, Clive will be there, and they’ll have to begin finding their own path through all of this. But he doesn’t want this night to slip away from him, not yet. Just a little longer.]
Thank you. [His voice is soft.] For tonight. I didn’t think - I could have this.
[Joshua didn’t think he could be happy. Not like this, not with someone he should never be with - the only person he’s ever wanted.]
[ Clive knows that the weight of their choice won't always be easy to bear. The terms of their lives will press down on them, and they will have to hold themselves strong against storms and strife. It should be a daunting thought, but Clive finds that he doesn't fear it at all－ it seems possible with Joshua at his side, shining and brilliant, always the brightest pinpoint of light in all of the world's darkness.
His brother, his birthright. Clive sees how Joshua fights sleep, and it makes him feel soft despite Joshua thanking him for something that most people would have Clive's head for. You're welcome is decidedly not the correct response to "thank you for ravaging me", but it's hard to fall back on misery when all Clive feels is the sort of happiness that most men would be hard-pressed to find over the course of many lifetimes.
So he strokes blond hair, smoothing sweat-mussed strands back into their proper place, tickling the unruly ends that act a little like his own unruly bangs. Small similarities, here and there. ]
I'll forgive myself for my lack of restraint, then. [ A soft smile, reaffirming. ] And swear to you that you'll never doubt again.
[ With that, he takes one of Joshua's hands, momentarily dislodging it from where it's looped around him to kiss along its knuckles. Like another oath pledged, another sworn promise. ]
The only trouble now, [ is warmer, more lighthearted. ] Will be how we exercise our collective patience.
[ It's been years of not-so-casual repression. This new development is going to be hell for Clive, who is a poor liar on a good day. ]
[After everything, it feels like his heart shouldn't thump faster when Clive does things like that, gentle shows of affection unasked for but always wanted. It does, though, and he smiles with it, a soft look that verges on adoring. Joshua thinks it's likely he'll always feel like this when he looks at Clive - like the sun has come out, just for him.]
I'm afraid I don't have much of that. [There's a lightness to his voice too, but unfortunately, it's also the simple truth. Normally, Joshua can be quite patient - he could read for hours if allowed, and he's begun to cultivate a bit of a reputation for being a careful listener when he's needed to decide a matter for the kingdom or among its people. But when it comes to Clive - that, he's not sure he can manage.] Just look at you. It'll be a trial to keep my hands off you.
[He will behave (or do his best to), he knows the danger they've put themselves in with this. He would never put Clive at risk. But it's going to be difficult, and when they're alone, well, Joshua knows better than to make any promises about that. There's so much that he wants, and now that he knows Clive wants that too, how is he supposed to hold back?]
I haven't... I've never done anything like this before. [He probably doesn't need to tell Clive that. Surely it was obvious, his inexperience and his curiosity.] You'll have to tell me what you like. What you want.
[Joshua, of course, wants to learn. What Clive likes, and what he himself does, though he certainly has not the slightest complaints so far. He'll have to be careful when he dresses tomorrow - but luckily, it's not his habit to wear clothing that shows much skin at all, especially when he's meant to be acting formally as the Archduke. It shouldn't be difficult to cover up the marks Clive left.
The marks Joshua asked for. He's a little embarrassed thinking of it now, how shameless he was, but he's even more satisfied.]
[ God, Clive knows that there's a special place in hell for him when he finally gets there: it's wicked, the frisson of pleasure he feels whenever Joshua expresses that Clive is his first for all things related to sex. It has nothing to do with a preference for virginal partners, and has everything to do with the far-worse desire to claim Joshua in every way that matters; Clive is definitively unholy for holding onto it.
He sighs. Not aggravated nor exasperated, but just to release tension. For a moment, he flares hotter than he was a moment ago, and his voice pitches lower when he lets go of Joshua's hand to stroke his cheek in a way that's neither platonic or chaste. ]
Is that what you want, Joshua? [ His bare chest presses along Joshua's, pulse for pulse. ] For me to corrupt you however I wish?
[ His sweet, beautiful brother. The Archduke of Rosaria, the Phoenix's Dominant. A young man most people could only dream of being in the presence of, let alone touching in any way. The same young man currently in bed with Clive, saying things that make Clive want to roll back on top of him to kiss him breathless.
He won't, of course. Joshua isn't some thing for him to manhandle and treat like some common puppet. But he'd like to impress upon Joshua that, yes, he does want for him the way a man would a lover, and so he presses his mouth to Joshua's jaw, almost letting teeth scour over a very visible part of him.
The misbehaving only lasts a moment. Clive draws back, and kisses Joshua's forehead in compensation. ]
...None of my past experiences have given me an idea of what I like. [ Mostly because none of them have mattered at all. ] We can find our preferences together.
[How Joshua loves that - the affection, the carefully banked desire. He can't get enough of it. He does smile, though, at the thought of Clive corrupting him, or anyone. Clive, his doting brother who has never been anything but devoted and kind, who has given all of himself for Rosaria and Joshua, who has been so careful with him even now. Clive, who would never have touched Joshua again if Joshua hadn't wanted it, after that first moment his control broke.
He knows that Clive might think of himself that way - might still think of his own desires as dirty, wrong. And perhaps they are, given their blood ties, but if so then Joshua is no different. Clive has done nothing to corrupt him, done nothing that Joshua hasn't welcomed, encouraged.]
Perhaps I'll be the one corrupting you, then. [He leans in close to kiss Clive, gently, sweetly. If there's a hint of fire there, well - that will always be there, no matter how weary Joshua might find himself. He'll always look at Clive and want him.] You have always been so proper, and I the one who broke the rules so that I could follow you around.
[The one who crept into Clive's room at night for comfort, when he had nightmares. The one who would slip out under his tutor's - or mother's - nose to watch Clive practice, to cheer him on. Clive let him, of course, Clive wasn't the one who scolded him when he got caught. They're both at fault, perhaps, for how they've ended up. But Joshua isn't going to let Clive take the blame, not when he's just as guilty.
He rests his head on the pillow, gaze settling gently on Clive. Just looking at him, appreciating his beauty, his strength. His brother, his protector. More than that - his twin flame, Ifrit burning as brightly as the Phoenix. Sometimes Joshua thinks they call to one another.]
[ Twin flames, life and death. Clive never knew happiness until Joshua was born, and never would again if he loses him. He will never pledge himself to another, not even for appearance's sake, not even if it would be the right thing to do as the firstborn of the Rosfield line.
(More crudely, he has a feeling he wouldn't be able to get hard for anyone else now. Joshua has well and truly ruined him, and he doesn't regret it one bit.)
Clive combs through Joshua's hair again, soothing him to relax into their pillows, to settle against the mattress. He's no longer the child who would cough into his hands after every outdoors excursion, who would catch cold if exposed to the nighttime chill, but Clive still minds his comfort more than anything else. ]
And I would know what pleases you. [ Because god, that's all Clive wants. For Joshua to be happy in this life, for him to inhabit himself as Joshua Rosfield, and not only the expectations placed on him like an iron mantle. ] It may be my turn to steal into your room and into your bed, now.
[ Scaling walls, climbing balconies. A sweet fantasy, utterly taboo.
Clive tucks Joshua closer to the cradle of his chest to warm him, and tangles their legs together. ]
Now rest. We ride early tomorrow, if we're to reach Oriflamme by nightfall.
[Said with a smile. Though it likely won't be so difficult, back at Rosalith - Clive's chambers are not far from Joshua's, and they're in each other's company often enough that it wouldn't be terribly remarkable for Clive to visit him late at night. To discuss matters of state, or the security of the country, or - well, there are a hundred excuses. They'll have to be careful, it will be dangerous, but it won't be impossible.
He presses close to Clive, eased by his warmth and that gentle affection. Clive is right, they do need to rest. It will be a long ride, followed by quite a lot of delicate diplomacy. Joshua was raised for this, and he doesn't think he's bad at it - but Sanbreque will be his greatest test thus far. If he can secure a true peace between their countries, he will have succeeded far beyond what most of the nobles of Rosaria expect. Even if he doesn't, he must lay the foundations for future attempts.
It will be difficult. For a little while, he was able to think only of Clive - to forget the pressures bearing down on both of them. He loves Clive all the more for that, for giving him some peace of his own. Having Clive at his side in Sanbreque will keep him safe, but it will keep him strong, too.]
Yes, you're right. And you must rest too.
[Clive is, after all, the one who actually fought today. Joshua might have healed his wounds, but his powers can't lift the weariness of exertion. They'll both need to be in good form tomorrow, just in case.]
Good night, Clive.
[Joshua's voice is already softening, already slipping into sleep.]
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no subject
Clive deserves better. Of course he does. But he deserves a choice, too, and so does Joshua. If they’ve both chosen each other, despite the danger, the fear of what might come, Joshua can’t tell him no. He can’t refuse that choice. After all, isn’t he choosing the same thing?
He curls into Clive’s embrace, sliding his arms around his brother in turn, holding him close enough to feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat. He could stay like this forever, he thinks, and be happy.]
I don’t want you to have to lose anything for me. Never.
[Joshua is tired, but he struggles against the weariness. As if, if he lets himself sleep, this will all disappear.
He knows it won’t. When he wakes, Clive will be there, and they’ll have to begin finding their own path through all of this. But he doesn’t want this night to slip away from him, not yet. Just a little longer.]
Thank you. [His voice is soft.] For tonight. I didn’t think - I could have this.
[Joshua didn’t think he could be happy. Not like this, not with someone he should never be with - the only person he’s ever wanted.]
no subject
His brother, his birthright. Clive sees how Joshua fights sleep, and it makes him feel soft despite Joshua thanking him for something that most people would have Clive's head for. You're welcome is decidedly not the correct response to "thank you for ravaging me", but it's hard to fall back on misery when all Clive feels is the sort of happiness that most men would be hard-pressed to find over the course of many lifetimes.
So he strokes blond hair, smoothing sweat-mussed strands back into their proper place, tickling the unruly ends that act a little like his own unruly bangs. Small similarities, here and there. ]
I'll forgive myself for my lack of restraint, then. [ A soft smile, reaffirming. ] And swear to you that you'll never doubt again.
[ With that, he takes one of Joshua's hands, momentarily dislodging it from where it's looped around him to kiss along its knuckles. Like another oath pledged, another sworn promise. ]
The only trouble now, [ is warmer, more lighthearted. ] Will be how we exercise our collective patience.
[ It's been years of not-so-casual repression. This new development is going to be hell for Clive, who is a poor liar on a good day. ]
no subject
I'm afraid I don't have much of that. [There's a lightness to his voice too, but unfortunately, it's also the simple truth. Normally, Joshua can be quite patient - he could read for hours if allowed, and he's begun to cultivate a bit of a reputation for being a careful listener when he's needed to decide a matter for the kingdom or among its people. But when it comes to Clive - that, he's not sure he can manage.] Just look at you. It'll be a trial to keep my hands off you.
[He will behave (or do his best to), he knows the danger they've put themselves in with this. He would never put Clive at risk. But it's going to be difficult, and when they're alone, well, Joshua knows better than to make any promises about that. There's so much that he wants, and now that he knows Clive wants that too, how is he supposed to hold back?]
I haven't... I've never done anything like this before. [He probably doesn't need to tell Clive that. Surely it was obvious, his inexperience and his curiosity.] You'll have to tell me what you like. What you want.
[Joshua, of course, wants to learn. What Clive likes, and what he himself does, though he certainly has not the slightest complaints so far. He'll have to be careful when he dresses tomorrow - but luckily, it's not his habit to wear clothing that shows much skin at all, especially when he's meant to be acting formally as the Archduke. It shouldn't be difficult to cover up the marks Clive left.
The marks Joshua asked for. He's a little embarrassed thinking of it now, how shameless he was, but he's even more satisfied.]
no subject
He sighs. Not aggravated nor exasperated, but just to release tension. For a moment, he flares hotter than he was a moment ago, and his voice pitches lower when he lets go of Joshua's hand to stroke his cheek in a way that's neither platonic or chaste. ]
Is that what you want, Joshua? [ His bare chest presses along Joshua's, pulse for pulse. ] For me to corrupt you however I wish?
[ His sweet, beautiful brother. The Archduke of Rosaria, the Phoenix's Dominant. A young man most people could only dream of being in the presence of, let alone touching in any way. The same young man currently in bed with Clive, saying things that make Clive want to roll back on top of him to kiss him breathless.
He won't, of course. Joshua isn't some thing for him to manhandle and treat like some common puppet. But he'd like to impress upon Joshua that, yes, he does want for him the way a man would a lover, and so he presses his mouth to Joshua's jaw, almost letting teeth scour over a very visible part of him.
The misbehaving only lasts a moment. Clive draws back, and kisses Joshua's forehead in compensation. ]
...None of my past experiences have given me an idea of what I like. [ Mostly because none of them have mattered at all. ] We can find our preferences together.
no subject
He knows that Clive might think of himself that way - might still think of his own desires as dirty, wrong. And perhaps they are, given their blood ties, but if so then Joshua is no different. Clive has done nothing to corrupt him, done nothing that Joshua hasn't welcomed, encouraged.]
Perhaps I'll be the one corrupting you, then. [He leans in close to kiss Clive, gently, sweetly. If there's a hint of fire there, well - that will always be there, no matter how weary Joshua might find himself. He'll always look at Clive and want him.] You have always been so proper, and I the one who broke the rules so that I could follow you around.
[The one who crept into Clive's room at night for comfort, when he had nightmares. The one who would slip out under his tutor's - or mother's - nose to watch Clive practice, to cheer him on. Clive let him, of course, Clive wasn't the one who scolded him when he got caught. They're both at fault, perhaps, for how they've ended up. But Joshua isn't going to let Clive take the blame, not when he's just as guilty.
He rests his head on the pillow, gaze settling gently on Clive. Just looking at him, appreciating his beauty, his strength. His brother, his protector. More than that - his twin flame, Ifrit burning as brightly as the Phoenix. Sometimes Joshua thinks they call to one another.]
I want to learn with you. Everything.
no subject
(More crudely, he has a feeling he wouldn't be able to get hard for anyone else now. Joshua has well and truly ruined him, and he doesn't regret it one bit.)
Clive combs through Joshua's hair again, soothing him to relax into their pillows, to settle against the mattress. He's no longer the child who would cough into his hands after every outdoors excursion, who would catch cold if exposed to the nighttime chill, but Clive still minds his comfort more than anything else. ]
And I would know what pleases you. [ Because god, that's all Clive wants. For Joshua to be happy in this life, for him to inhabit himself as Joshua Rosfield, and not only the expectations placed on him like an iron mantle. ] It may be my turn to steal into your room and into your bed, now.
[ Scaling walls, climbing balconies. A sweet fantasy, utterly taboo.
Clive tucks Joshua closer to the cradle of his chest to warm him, and tangles their legs together. ]
Now rest. We ride early tomorrow, if we're to reach Oriflamme by nightfall.
no subject
[Said with a smile. Though it likely won't be so difficult, back at Rosalith - Clive's chambers are not far from Joshua's, and they're in each other's company often enough that it wouldn't be terribly remarkable for Clive to visit him late at night. To discuss matters of state, or the security of the country, or - well, there are a hundred excuses. They'll have to be careful, it will be dangerous, but it won't be impossible.
He presses close to Clive, eased by his warmth and that gentle affection. Clive is right, they do need to rest. It will be a long ride, followed by quite a lot of delicate diplomacy. Joshua was raised for this, and he doesn't think he's bad at it - but Sanbreque will be his greatest test thus far. If he can secure a true peace between their countries, he will have succeeded far beyond what most of the nobles of Rosaria expect. Even if he doesn't, he must lay the foundations for future attempts.
It will be difficult. For a little while, he was able to think only of Clive - to forget the pressures bearing down on both of them. He loves Clive all the more for that, for giving him some peace of his own. Having Clive at his side in Sanbreque will keep him safe, but it will keep him strong, too.]
Yes, you're right. And you must rest too.
[Clive is, after all, the one who actually fought today. Joshua might have healed his wounds, but his powers can't lift the weariness of exertion. They'll both need to be in good form tomorrow, just in case.]
Good night, Clive.
[Joshua's voice is already softening, already slipping into sleep.]