[His heart pounds just knowing he's done this to Clive. That he likes this, that it's good, that he's brought Clive to the edge with his touch and his mouth. Maybe someday it won't feel so much like a revelation, like a gift - maybe they'll get used to this. But right now, to Joshua, it still feels impossible and new, and he wants everything.
So he doesn't stop. He decided when he started this that he would see it to the end, just as Clive did to him. He wants to know what it's like, he wants to give that pleasure to Clive, and - he likes it. He likes the way Clive gasps, the way he feels in Joshua's mouth. It only makes him want to do more, to be better, to learn what feels good.
He knows Clive is warning him, but he doesn't pull away. Clive did it for him, so he'll do it for Clive - but it isn't just that. It's that he wants this, he wants to know how it feels. There's not a thought in his mind about it being beneath him, and even if part of him sees it as dirty, it's deliciously so. He would do this a hundred times for Clive. He may be an Archduke, he may be one of the most powerful men in Valisthea, but for Clive he would gladly get on his knees.
So he stays, and when Clive comes - he's more or less prepared, he swallows as well as he can. If a bit ends up on his lips, his chin, he doesn't care. The taste doesn't bother him at all - he's had to drink so many medicines over the years, Joshua is quite adept at such things - but it's rather a surprise, so he doesn't manage quite as well as he might have hoped. But still it's enough, it's what he wanted.
Joshua's own body, weary as it might be, has a surge of interest - easy enough to ignore, he knows he doesn't have the stamina to ask more from Clive tonight. But he can enjoy this, can lick it from his lips without any self-consciousness, lick the remnants from Clive as well. And he looks up at Clive, wanting to know he's all right, that he feels good.]
[ Clive flushes hot when he comes, and lifts his hand from Joshua's hair to keep himself from inadvertently gripping too hard; his peak hits him in a way that he's never experienced before, drawn-out and intense enough that it rips the breath out of his lungs. He moans in the shape of Joshua's name, once, twice, curled forward with lust-stained eyes not-quite-focused.
He finally gathers enough of himself after long stretches where he attempts to right his breathing, and it's only then that enough of his brain goes back online to register Joshua's attempts to lick them both clean. Hurried, Clive tips his brother's chin up and shifts forward, craning as much as he can to press his mouth against Joshua's. ]
Joshua, [ he murmurs, kissing along a flushed lower lip. ] Don't push yourself.
[ Fussing, but warmly. He tries to ignore the thoughtless, sex-addled part of him that thinks Joshua is fetching even with spend on his face; a little swipe of thumb over his brother's chin, and Clive tries to coax him back up to eye-level, where Clive can pull him into a close, claiming embrace. ]
...I knew it already, but there will never be anyone or anything that ever makes me feel the way you do.
[ Not only the feeling of Joshua's mouth on him― that was amazing, and also a given― but the want that lingers even afterwards, the ache that persists even when they're curled and pressed close like this. The persistent rightness when they touch, and the acute feeling of absence when they have to part. Clive sometimes loves Joshua so much that he thinks he must be splitting at his seams with it all. ]
[Joshua goes easily, curling close to his brother, relaxing into that embrace. He feels awfully satisfied with himself - possibly even just a bit smug, pleased that he was able to make Clive feel that good. He wants it so badly, after all, wants to carve a place for himself in Clive's heart that no one else will ever be able to match.]
You can be as selfish as you wish. I am yours.
[As much as Joshua can belong to anyone, he wants to belong to Clive. Even though they must always keep it a secret, even though there will be pressure to marry, even though he's sure Clive will be pressured as well, because the Rosfield line must be carried on - Joshua will fight as hard as he must to keep this. He doesn't want to be touched by anyone but Clive.
He kisses Clive again, slow and content, then curls into him, resting his head against Clive's shoulder. He could fall asleep like this so easily. He knows he can't - Clive can't spend the night in his bed, no matter how much Joshua might wish for it - but it's a very tempting desire. Clive is warm, and Joshua likes touching him. Likes the simple contact, the scent of his skin, the circle of his arms.]
I love you.
[He says it quietly. There's a touch of bittersweetness to it - Clive can't stay, Joshua can never be with him the way he deserves, they'll likely be apart often. But even so, Joshua would choose this again and again. Now that he has Clive, now that he knows what it's like to have his love returned, even the bits of pain that come along with it feel precious.
If Clive were anyone else, Joshua would have long since confessed his feelings, begged for a chance to be with him, asked him to accept the position of consort. He can't do that, he'll never be able to, and so he will love Clive with as much passion and determination as possible to make up for it.]
[ Something in Clive's heart aches at that I love you, and he pulls Joshua closer to trap that sentiment, to keep those words tucked firmly against his chest. It's cruel, that what they have is so natural and abnormal in the same breath. That it's as natural as breathing for Clive to love Joshua the way he does, while the rest of the world would look upon it with abject horror.
He'd thought he'd be able to give Joshua up for the sake of his brother's peace. For his happiness, for something uncomplicated. He'd thought he could take their father's place on the day of Joshua's betrothal, and smile as he watched Joshua promise himself, forevermore, to someone else.
God, it scares Clive that he doesn't think he'll have the grace to do so. Not anymore. ]
As do I. As long as I live, and until the day I die.
[ And beyond that. If he's ever reborn, he can only hope that he'll find Joshua in his next life, and reach for him again and again. He presses a kiss to soft blond hair, and breathes in the scent of warmth and amber and parchment. ]
...I fear you'll be taken from me all of tomorrow. You've your audiences, and a tour of Oriflamme, as I recall.
[ The small retinue that they've brought along will most certainly be accompanying Joshua, but Clive hasn't been invited as of yet. Most likely some misgivings around parading Ifrit the Blasphemous alongside the Phoenix; maybe if he remains hooded under a cloak, five paces behind the rest, they'd allow Clive to shadow Joshua for his safety. ]
[Joshua sighs, reminded of all he must do on the morrow. Clive is the only one he can safely express any weariness around - to the rest of the world he must appear strong, certain, faultless.
He doesn't hate being the Archduke. Joshua thinks that there are many things he can accomplish - he wants to carry on their father's work, make Rosaria safer for Bearers. He wants to give his citizens safety and prosperity. Rosaria is not a large country, but he wants to make it a haven for any who can't find safety in the wider world. He knows it will likely take his whole life, and still not be done even then - but it will be worth it, he hopes.
But the day-to-day work can be draining, and there will always be aspects of his duty that weigh on him greatly. Things he wishes he could escape from, even for only a moment. And while Joshua can find joy in it, there are times he wishes he could simply be a normal young man. Not a ruler, not a Dominant. Just a man, free to love who he wishes, do what he pleases.
But then, he would still love Clive, even so. In any life, he would, he thinks. At least in this one he can keep Clive close, tie them together with vows and duty itself. And when they're alone, he can forget about the rest of the world. For a little while.]
Yes. I've a full day - meeting the Emperor and his advisors to begin negotiations will be trying. The city might be nice to see, though.
[Oriflamme has a great history, and Joshua has always been interested in that sort of thing. Dion will be his guide once more, so Joshua expects he'll be able to coax a few tales from him.]
I will try to prevail upon them to send you with us. But if I can't - I think you've won quite a bit of respect from their knights today. They ought to treat you a bit better.
[It's delicate, he knows. He can't insist too strongly on bringing Clive along, as the Sanbrequians are surely ready to find some insult in it, or simply to think less of him for refusing to be without his strongest guard. But Joshua can ask, and force them to be the ones to refuse his requests, which in the end gives him another bit of power - after all, just as he must be careful of offending them, they can't entirely afford to offend him. Refusing to let him bring Clive may result in a concession elsewhere, and Joshua needs all he can get.]
[ The boyish part of Clive, the part that stole Joshua away from his nameday party to jump in a stream, wishes he could take Joshua by the hand and lead him away from Whitewyrm, to adopt an alias for the both of them so that they could spend one uncomplicated day touring Oriflamme as lovers. They don't look so much alike that anyone would suspect anything, and it would be a welcome reprieve from politics and subterfuge and the balance of the world as they know it.
A fantasy. Reality dictates that they'd last half a day at most before Sanbrequian guards turn the city upside down looking for two missing foreign Dominants. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but not nearly so bitter that he'd consider putting an end to this.
(One day. Clive just wants one day. He'll fight to earn it, in his future: just one day, where he can exist with Joshua far from anyone who would know them.) ]
I'll be alright. [ The Imperial Dragoons are under Dion's jurisdiction, and they all seem far more decent than most; the other rank and file are largely the same as the soldiers that Clive has faced against in the past, fearful and full of contempt, but Clive can simply choose not to consort with them. He's rather more curious about the Bearers that the Empire have conscripted forcefully into their service, as he hears nothing but horrific stories about their treatment― maybe he can look into the truth of it, and see if there's anything that can be done about finding a way for them to desert and escape to Rosaria.
A thoughtful hum, and he combs his fingers through Joshua's hair before kissing him again. They're both naked and tangled, and if Clive falls asleep now, there will be no mistaking what they've done here in bed together. If the maids in this castle possess spare keys, they'll be ruined. ]
The more the Sanbrequians snarl and hiss at me, the sweeter it'll be to return to you at the end of the day. [ So don't worry, is the sentiment here. ] You, on the other hand...
[ A light nip, to Joshua's bottom lip. ] ...Don't let the rabble get too close.
[He laughs softly against Clive's lips. As if he could ever possibly think of anyone but Clive. It's a ridiculous thought, now that he knows what Clive's hands on his skin feel like, now that he's tasted that far too tempting mouth. But he knows the advances will still come - he's too tempting a prize, young and unmarried with so much power. The thought brings only weariness. He will have to practice patience.]
I'll be thinking of you all day.
[He will have much on his mind, but even so, he knows it's still true. Clive has been in his thoughts all day, and Joshua knows that isn't going to change. This evening together has only given him more to cling to, more to remember when he's feeling bleak. Stealing a few moments with Clive like this may be the best reward he could possibly imagine.
He thinks back to what they spoke of further, considers it again. It's not a terrible idea, but he's not sure it's an acceptable one either.]
I can... ask Dion if he might help me spread a few rumors. It would make things a little easier.
[It would require a bit of playacting, but not much, as both would be expected to be very proper in public. Joshua is fairly certain Dion would agree, might even be amused by it - and it may serve his purposes, too, since Joshua suspects he may have a lover stashed away somewhere. It's impossible that Dion would be with anyone who could cause such a scandal as the man Joshua loves, but he might welcome a bit of a smokescreen anyway.
It would be useful. But it may cause problems in its own way as well, if the Emperor decides it would be wise to press for a marriage. Joshua doesn't know how likely that would be - Dion is the heir, could he even inherit if he were wed to another ruler? - but the possibility remains.
And - he doesn't want Clive to worry. He only wants a little breathing room, but if the price would be Clive's discomfort, it isn't worth it.]
[ He gives the suggestion about Dion some thought, and reaches an easy conclusion: ]
If it would make things easier.
[ And with the unspoken caveat that they'll be able to trust the Crown Prince, but he'll leave that to Joshua's expert discretion. It's not deference as much as the simple reality that Clive knows that his brother is far better at maneuvering these things than he is, and that he has faith in Joshua's ability to navigate these murky waters with the care that it requires.
Besides, Clive is fairly certain that Dion Lesage isn't cut from the same cloth as his father. He neither seems the warmongering sort, nor the sort of prideful idiot to antagonize Rosarian royalty for the thrill of it― if he'll be a good friend to Joshua, it'll be more than Clive could ever hope for.
And truly, Sanbreque is the easiest external force to ally with at the moment, with Dion halfway to the throne. The Dhalmeks remain hostile, and the king of Waloed is... strange and elusive. Clive has only seen Barnabas Tharmr a handful of times, only enough to count on one hand, but he has never liked the way the man looked at him or Joshua.
Wandering, meandering thoughts. Clive shakes them away, quite literally, and manages to smile softly as he sits up. ]
I'll be looking forward to hearing the rumors circulate. It'll help me get a feel for the books you've been reading in my absence.
[ His brother, sneaking racy erotica between his duties. The thought of it makes Clive grin, almost boyishly so. ]
[Joshua is more than a little reluctant to move, but he really has no choice. He pries himself off Clive with quite an effort, already feeling a little colder, a little more lonely.
But he knows Clive can’t stay. And they’ll have more time, at least a little more before they return to Rosaria and Clive has to leave to secure the border. Joshua will cling to each moment they have, no matter how brief.
When he sees Clive smile like that - a rare thing, a precious one - Joshua can’t help but adore him. Anyone would, he thinks, and he knows how lucky he is to have this. To have Clive, to be able to love him the way he wants to. Joshua isn’t going to take this for granted.]
Mostly I just read boring, dusty old history books. You might be disappointed.
[He smiles, teasing a little. Really, they aren’t in the least boring. He’s always loved old tales, something that easily blossomed into a love of history, of hidden stories and rare accounts. It will always be nothing more than a hobby, but he can steal an hour here and there to read.
Discovering those racy bodice-rippers had been a surprise. Joshua hadn’t been able to resist reading them, though he still doesn’t know where they came from. Not their mother, certainly. Uncle Byron? Their father, even? Regardless, though he was educated about the facts of life, Joshua has never has friends his age to gossip and learn from. Anything beyond the basics was thanks to those books - wildly unrealistic, he always knew, but still somewhat educational.]
Being with you isn’t anything like what’s in those books.
[The real thing is so far beyond those steamy, overwrought scenes. It’s Clive that makes the difference. It wouldn’t be the same with anyone else.]
[ In another life, Joshua might have been an aspiring historian, gone off to Kanver to join the ranks of bright young men and women who'd shape the future of Valisthea. It would have been a far less lonely life, and he would have been surrounded by friends and peers.
He might even have been less close to, and with, Clive. (The thought of that, selfishly, is a little less appealing.)
Clive gets up off of bed, but only to move towards the wardrobe and to fish out a set of comfortable-looking sleepwear for Joshua to slip into. As much as he likes the sight of Joshua naked and tangled in bedsheets, the maids in the morning might die of a heart attack if they see Rosaria's Archduke in such a state of undress. ]
You're liable to give me a big head, if you keep flattering me.
[ Softly, affectionately. Clive winds his way back to bed, and bids his brother raise arms and legs to be dressed in his new clothes. Indulgent, because Clive is permitted to be in Joshua's company. If he had the choice, he would be the only one to tend to Joshua for the rest of Joshua's life. ]
...A part of me still wonders if I'm not dreaming. [ He said as much, with Joshua's mouth over him. ] I've wanted you for so long, but never thought it would come to anything.
[ And it shouldn't have, but here they are. Stumbled onto the truth, and scrabbling to keep each other afloat. ]
[Joshua doesn't always like being tended to by servants - he sends them away often enough, wanting to feel the tiny bit of freedom that is dressing himself - but when it's Clive, he doesn't feel that way at all. He likes the attention, the care. He likes that Clive seems to enjoy it, and Joshua wants to indulge him in everything he enjoys, because there's so little of it that Clive allows himself.
He sits up, making it a little easier to be dressed, and though he misses the warmth of Clive's body against his, at least he can still feel those gentle, strong hands on him.]
I never imagined you could want me.
[If he had... well, maybe in some ways it's best that he didn't. He's only just become the Archduke, only now has a bit of power that might be used to protect them, should the worst happen. If he'd had any idea Clive might return his feelings, Joshua knows he wouldn't have been able to behave. He'd have thrown caution out the window and seduced his brother the moment he thought it possible.
He hopes that they'll be able to keep themselves safe, keep what secrets they must. But if they are discovered, at least there is no higher authority than Joshua in Rosaria. If they had found each other before he took the throne, and been found out, the council of nobles that had been serving as regents would surely have blamed Clive, punished him, sent him away, or worse. Now Joshua could refuse to listen to them, and though there would be serious consequences, they could not gainsay him.
Hopefully, it will never come to that. It would destabilize too much. But the thought of giving up Clive is not one Joshua will ever consider.]
It feels like a dream. Impossible, and perfect. [He reaches out, tugging Clive down for a quick, gentle kiss.] But you are the most real thing in my world.
[He yearns for Clive whenever they're apart, but in truth, he yearned for Clive long before this. At least now Joshua can touch him when they're alone, can kiss him, can learn what it means to love someone.]
[ Clive has always liked tending to Joshua, though the privilege of it was often hard-won. Governesses and physickers would often usher Clive out when he'd wanted to visit Joshua during the worst of his fevers; he'd had to climb through windows more than a few times just for the chance to press a cold compress over his brother's brow.
It feels a selfish, sacrosanct thing, to make up for that lost time now. Joshua is no longer a small boy in need of fussing over, and it's been ages since the last time he's been bedridden. Still, Clive indulges in doing up the buttons on the front of Joshua's shirt, and smiles into that quick kiss that his brother presses against his mouth. ]
Would that we could have more of this world together.
[ Look at them, so far from Rosalith yet confined to a castle again. It seems all of Joshua's life is spent in towers and spires and ballrooms and halls. Oriflamme stretches around them like a wyrm with her wings spread, and Clive would like nothing more than to find a tavern and eat lukewarm stew with Joshua tucked by his side.
Another light peck, and he relinquishes his touch. It kills him, but he must. ]
...Keep Dion close, when I'm not with you. Powerless as you aren't, I feel safer when you have allies.
[It's a fantasy Joshua hasn't really allowed himself, because of how impossible it seems - more even than this. Two Dominants, the sons of a royal house, how could they ever live anything like a normal life? Joshua has only rarely been able to even leave Rosalith Castle, and always accompanied by guards. He tries not to think about what it would be like to do as he pleases. There's so much he wishes he could see, could do - just walking the streets without a guard nearby would be remarkable.
He lets himself imagine, for a moment, traveling with Clive. Seeing the world, or parts of it, at least. Even the dull ones would be a delight, and with Clive at his side, he would be happy. And maybe they could find a place where no one knew them, where for a little while he could love Clive openly, the way he deserves. Where he would not have to hide his adoration, where he could touch Clive, and the world would know that he was Joshua's.
But that isn't a life he can ever lead. Just a pretty fantasy.]
Would that he were already Emperor.
[Something Joshua absolutely can't say to anyone else, lest he ruin all the gains that Rosaria has made toward peace so far. But he cannot help wishing for it.
Joshua doesn't reach for Clive, as much as he wants to. He knows Clive can't stay. Something else to add to the fantasy: Clive, curled in his bed. Waking up next to him, never fearing that someone might see them.]
I hate you sleeping so far. I hate leaving you on your own in this nest of snakes. Be careful, Clive. I don't like the way any of them look at you.
[Not the ones who want him, not the ones who fear him.]
[ Incredibly audacious, that little comment that essentially speaks to wanting Sylvestre Lesage dead. It makes Clive laugh out loud, even.
His lionhearted brother. Most think of Ifrit as the fearsome one between the two Dominants of Fire, but only because most have never seen the Phoenix take wing. ]
What should I care how they look at me? Your eyes are the only ones I see.
[ His hand settles over his own heart, fingers cradled inwards. A gesture of reverence and a promise, in one: you have my love. As much as it tears him apart to leave when he knows neither of them want the separation, distance has never done anything to make Clive's affections wane. If anything, the time apart has always made him eager to return again, back to the ease and comfort of existing around the one person who has ever made Clive feel whole. ]
Your flame burns within me, always. Your light, and your blessing. I'm never alone.
[ As he pulls his own clothes back on, and rights himself. His palm opens, and dancing on it is a mote of fire in the Phoenix's colors. ]
...If only I could give you a part of Ifrit, in turn.
[ An impossibility, he knows. Ifrit is far too unruly to allow anything of the sort, not to mention that he hasn't heard of any other Eikon being able to bless another. Just one more way in which the Rosarian bloodline is unique, and his brother is exceptional. ]
[Joshua's gaze softens, some warmth in his chest blooming at the sight. Clive doesn't need the Phoenix's flames, he has his own - but Joshua wouldn't take back that blessing even if he could. Knowing some tiny part of himself burns within Clive has eased his mind so many lonely nights. He's told himself, again and again, that the blessing will help keep Clive safe. That because of it, he would know if anything should happen.
Even if it isn't true, it helps to believe that.]
You've already given me everything - your protection, your service. Your love.
[He has never wished for Ifrit's flame, but in truth, Joshua would gladly take it if it were possible. Despite what he says, he can never have enough of Clive. But knowing that Clive has that flame, has another tiny thing tying him to Joshua, makes him happy. It shouldn't - he knows he's too selfish, too possessive - but so long as Clive doesn't hate him for it, he can't bring himself to care.
He should let Clive go, he knows. But Joshua gets up first, and goes to him, reaching up to touch his cheek.]
I have all that I need.
[Just one kiss, just one more. Then Joshua can sleep, though surely his dreams will be full of Clive - as they are, sometimes. He presses his lips to Clive's, gentle and sweet, and then makes himself step away before he can cling any more.]
I've kept you far too long. [A smile, teasing.] Go remove whoever's in your bed. Tell them your lover is too jealous to share.
[ Close his eyes, and Clive can still feel the weight of Joshua's sword touching against his shoulders, against his hair. Before he was the second Dominant of Fire, Clive was Joshua's First Shield― even now, Clive thinks that Ifrit burns brightest when Clive channels the Firebird's blessing alongside it.
Twin flames, bound to each other. Their mouths meet, and the fullness of his heart is ruined only by the reality that they have to part.
A moment to steady himself, and Clive returns the smile with one of his own. ]
Too jealous, and liable to burn Whitewyrm to the ground if my attention wanders.
[ An impossibility. He would sooner break his hands than be forced to touch someone who isn't Joshua; not even the most potent aphrodisiac mixed into his drink could entice him to bed someone else. ]
I love you, [ is a low murmur, almost a promise. He turns to leave, and the distance he has to make grows more and more unbearable with each step. ] Take care, and rest. You'll ever be on my mind.
[ And with that, he gives his brother one last glance over his shoulder before closing the door behind him.
(Gods above and below, Clive has no idea when he's become so weak. Just one plank of wood between him and Joshua, and he already fucking aches. This doesn't bode well for, well, the rest of his life.) ]
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So he doesn't stop. He decided when he started this that he would see it to the end, just as Clive did to him. He wants to know what it's like, he wants to give that pleasure to Clive, and - he likes it. He likes the way Clive gasps, the way he feels in Joshua's mouth. It only makes him want to do more, to be better, to learn what feels good.
He knows Clive is warning him, but he doesn't pull away. Clive did it for him, so he'll do it for Clive - but it isn't just that. It's that he wants this, he wants to know how it feels. There's not a thought in his mind about it being beneath him, and even if part of him sees it as dirty, it's deliciously so. He would do this a hundred times for Clive. He may be an Archduke, he may be one of the most powerful men in Valisthea, but for Clive he would gladly get on his knees.
So he stays, and when Clive comes - he's more or less prepared, he swallows as well as he can. If a bit ends up on his lips, his chin, he doesn't care. The taste doesn't bother him at all - he's had to drink so many medicines over the years, Joshua is quite adept at such things - but it's rather a surprise, so he doesn't manage quite as well as he might have hoped. But still it's enough, it's what he wanted.
Joshua's own body, weary as it might be, has a surge of interest - easy enough to ignore, he knows he doesn't have the stamina to ask more from Clive tonight. But he can enjoy this, can lick it from his lips without any self-consciousness, lick the remnants from Clive as well. And he looks up at Clive, wanting to know he's all right, that he feels good.]
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He finally gathers enough of himself after long stretches where he attempts to right his breathing, and it's only then that enough of his brain goes back online to register Joshua's attempts to lick them both clean. Hurried, Clive tips his brother's chin up and shifts forward, craning as much as he can to press his mouth against Joshua's. ]
Joshua, [ he murmurs, kissing along a flushed lower lip. ] Don't push yourself.
[ Fussing, but warmly. He tries to ignore the thoughtless, sex-addled part of him that thinks Joshua is fetching even with spend on his face; a little swipe of thumb over his brother's chin, and Clive tries to coax him back up to eye-level, where Clive can pull him into a close, claiming embrace. ]
...I knew it already, but there will never be anyone or anything that ever makes me feel the way you do.
[ Not only the feeling of Joshua's mouth on him― that was amazing, and also a given― but the want that lingers even afterwards, the ache that persists even when they're curled and pressed close like this. The persistent rightness when they touch, and the acute feeling of absence when they have to part. Clive sometimes loves Joshua so much that he thinks he must be splitting at his seams with it all. ]
I grow selfish by the second.
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You can be as selfish as you wish. I am yours.
[As much as Joshua can belong to anyone, he wants to belong to Clive. Even though they must always keep it a secret, even though there will be pressure to marry, even though he's sure Clive will be pressured as well, because the Rosfield line must be carried on - Joshua will fight as hard as he must to keep this. He doesn't want to be touched by anyone but Clive.
He kisses Clive again, slow and content, then curls into him, resting his head against Clive's shoulder. He could fall asleep like this so easily. He knows he can't - Clive can't spend the night in his bed, no matter how much Joshua might wish for it - but it's a very tempting desire. Clive is warm, and Joshua likes touching him. Likes the simple contact, the scent of his skin, the circle of his arms.]
I love you.
[He says it quietly. There's a touch of bittersweetness to it - Clive can't stay, Joshua can never be with him the way he deserves, they'll likely be apart often. But even so, Joshua would choose this again and again. Now that he has Clive, now that he knows what it's like to have his love returned, even the bits of pain that come along with it feel precious.
If Clive were anyone else, Joshua would have long since confessed his feelings, begged for a chance to be with him, asked him to accept the position of consort. He can't do that, he'll never be able to, and so he will love Clive with as much passion and determination as possible to make up for it.]
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He'd thought he'd be able to give Joshua up for the sake of his brother's peace. For his happiness, for something uncomplicated. He'd thought he could take their father's place on the day of Joshua's betrothal, and smile as he watched Joshua promise himself, forevermore, to someone else.
God, it scares Clive that he doesn't think he'll have the grace to do so. Not anymore. ]
As do I. As long as I live, and until the day I die.
[ And beyond that. If he's ever reborn, he can only hope that he'll find Joshua in his next life, and reach for him again and again. He presses a kiss to soft blond hair, and breathes in the scent of warmth and amber and parchment. ]
...I fear you'll be taken from me all of tomorrow. You've your audiences, and a tour of Oriflamme, as I recall.
[ The small retinue that they've brought along will most certainly be accompanying Joshua, but Clive hasn't been invited as of yet. Most likely some misgivings around parading Ifrit the Blasphemous alongside the Phoenix; maybe if he remains hooded under a cloak, five paces behind the rest, they'd allow Clive to shadow Joshua for his safety. ]
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He doesn't hate being the Archduke. Joshua thinks that there are many things he can accomplish - he wants to carry on their father's work, make Rosaria safer for Bearers. He wants to give his citizens safety and prosperity. Rosaria is not a large country, but he wants to make it a haven for any who can't find safety in the wider world. He knows it will likely take his whole life, and still not be done even then - but it will be worth it, he hopes.
But the day-to-day work can be draining, and there will always be aspects of his duty that weigh on him greatly. Things he wishes he could escape from, even for only a moment. And while Joshua can find joy in it, there are times he wishes he could simply be a normal young man. Not a ruler, not a Dominant. Just a man, free to love who he wishes, do what he pleases.
But then, he would still love Clive, even so. In any life, he would, he thinks. At least in this one he can keep Clive close, tie them together with vows and duty itself. And when they're alone, he can forget about the rest of the world. For a little while.]
Yes. I've a full day - meeting the Emperor and his advisors to begin negotiations will be trying. The city might be nice to see, though.
[Oriflamme has a great history, and Joshua has always been interested in that sort of thing. Dion will be his guide once more, so Joshua expects he'll be able to coax a few tales from him.]
I will try to prevail upon them to send you with us. But if I can't - I think you've won quite a bit of respect from their knights today. They ought to treat you a bit better.
[It's delicate, he knows. He can't insist too strongly on bringing Clive along, as the Sanbrequians are surely ready to find some insult in it, or simply to think less of him for refusing to be without his strongest guard. But Joshua can ask, and force them to be the ones to refuse his requests, which in the end gives him another bit of power - after all, just as he must be careful of offending them, they can't entirely afford to offend him. Refusing to let him bring Clive may result in a concession elsewhere, and Joshua needs all he can get.]
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A fantasy. Reality dictates that they'd last half a day at most before Sanbrequian guards turn the city upside down looking for two missing foreign Dominants. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but not nearly so bitter that he'd consider putting an end to this.
(One day. Clive just wants one day. He'll fight to earn it, in his future: just one day, where he can exist with Joshua far from anyone who would know them.) ]
I'll be alright. [ The Imperial Dragoons are under Dion's jurisdiction, and they all seem far more decent than most; the other rank and file are largely the same as the soldiers that Clive has faced against in the past, fearful and full of contempt, but Clive can simply choose not to consort with them. He's rather more curious about the Bearers that the Empire have conscripted forcefully into their service, as he hears nothing but horrific stories about their treatment― maybe he can look into the truth of it, and see if there's anything that can be done about finding a way for them to desert and escape to Rosaria.
A thoughtful hum, and he combs his fingers through Joshua's hair before kissing him again. They're both naked and tangled, and if Clive falls asleep now, there will be no mistaking what they've done here in bed together. If the maids in this castle possess spare keys, they'll be ruined. ]
The more the Sanbrequians snarl and hiss at me, the sweeter it'll be to return to you at the end of the day. [ So don't worry, is the sentiment here. ] You, on the other hand...
[ A light nip, to Joshua's bottom lip. ] ...Don't let the rabble get too close.
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I'll be thinking of you all day.
[He will have much on his mind, but even so, he knows it's still true. Clive has been in his thoughts all day, and Joshua knows that isn't going to change. This evening together has only given him more to cling to, more to remember when he's feeling bleak. Stealing a few moments with Clive like this may be the best reward he could possibly imagine.
He thinks back to what they spoke of further, considers it again. It's not a terrible idea, but he's not sure it's an acceptable one either.]
I can... ask Dion if he might help me spread a few rumors. It would make things a little easier.
[It would require a bit of playacting, but not much, as both would be expected to be very proper in public. Joshua is fairly certain Dion would agree, might even be amused by it - and it may serve his purposes, too, since Joshua suspects he may have a lover stashed away somewhere. It's impossible that Dion would be with anyone who could cause such a scandal as the man Joshua loves, but he might welcome a bit of a smokescreen anyway.
It would be useful. But it may cause problems in its own way as well, if the Emperor decides it would be wise to press for a marriage. Joshua doesn't know how likely that would be - Dion is the heir, could he even inherit if he were wed to another ruler? - but the possibility remains.
And - he doesn't want Clive to worry. He only wants a little breathing room, but if the price would be Clive's discomfort, it isn't worth it.]
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If it would make things easier.
[ And with the unspoken caveat that they'll be able to trust the Crown Prince, but he'll leave that to Joshua's expert discretion. It's not deference as much as the simple reality that Clive knows that his brother is far better at maneuvering these things than he is, and that he has faith in Joshua's ability to navigate these murky waters with the care that it requires.
Besides, Clive is fairly certain that Dion Lesage isn't cut from the same cloth as his father. He neither seems the warmongering sort, nor the sort of prideful idiot to antagonize Rosarian royalty for the thrill of it― if he'll be a good friend to Joshua, it'll be more than Clive could ever hope for.
And truly, Sanbreque is the easiest external force to ally with at the moment, with Dion halfway to the throne. The Dhalmeks remain hostile, and the king of Waloed is... strange and elusive. Clive has only seen Barnabas Tharmr a handful of times, only enough to count on one hand, but he has never liked the way the man looked at him or Joshua.
Wandering, meandering thoughts. Clive shakes them away, quite literally, and manages to smile softly as he sits up. ]
I'll be looking forward to hearing the rumors circulate. It'll help me get a feel for the books you've been reading in my absence.
[ His brother, sneaking racy erotica between his duties. The thought of it makes Clive grin, almost boyishly so. ]
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But he knows Clive can’t stay. And they’ll have more time, at least a little more before they return to Rosaria and Clive has to leave to secure the border. Joshua will cling to each moment they have, no matter how brief.
When he sees Clive smile like that - a rare thing, a precious one - Joshua can’t help but adore him. Anyone would, he thinks, and he knows how lucky he is to have this. To have Clive, to be able to love him the way he wants to. Joshua isn’t going to take this for granted.]
Mostly I just read boring, dusty old history books. You might be disappointed.
[He smiles, teasing a little. Really, they aren’t in the least boring. He’s always loved old tales, something that easily blossomed into a love of history, of hidden stories and rare accounts. It will always be nothing more than a hobby, but he can steal an hour here and there to read.
Discovering those racy bodice-rippers had been a surprise. Joshua hadn’t been able to resist reading them, though he still doesn’t know where they came from. Not their mother, certainly. Uncle Byron? Their father, even? Regardless, though he was educated about the facts of life, Joshua has never has friends his age to gossip and learn from. Anything beyond the basics was thanks to those books - wildly unrealistic, he always knew, but still somewhat educational.]
Being with you isn’t anything like what’s in those books.
[The real thing is so far beyond those steamy, overwrought scenes. It’s Clive that makes the difference. It wouldn’t be the same with anyone else.]
It’s much better than I imagined.
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He might even have been less close to, and with, Clive. (The thought of that, selfishly, is a little less appealing.)
Clive gets up off of bed, but only to move towards the wardrobe and to fish out a set of comfortable-looking sleepwear for Joshua to slip into. As much as he likes the sight of Joshua naked and tangled in bedsheets, the maids in the morning might die of a heart attack if they see Rosaria's Archduke in such a state of undress. ]
You're liable to give me a big head, if you keep flattering me.
[ Softly, affectionately. Clive winds his way back to bed, and bids his brother raise arms and legs to be dressed in his new clothes. Indulgent, because Clive is permitted to be in Joshua's company. If he had the choice, he would be the only one to tend to Joshua for the rest of Joshua's life. ]
...A part of me still wonders if I'm not dreaming. [ He said as much, with Joshua's mouth over him. ] I've wanted you for so long, but never thought it would come to anything.
[ And it shouldn't have, but here they are. Stumbled onto the truth, and scrabbling to keep each other afloat. ]
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He sits up, making it a little easier to be dressed, and though he misses the warmth of Clive's body against his, at least he can still feel those gentle, strong hands on him.]
I never imagined you could want me.
[If he had... well, maybe in some ways it's best that he didn't. He's only just become the Archduke, only now has a bit of power that might be used to protect them, should the worst happen. If he'd had any idea Clive might return his feelings, Joshua knows he wouldn't have been able to behave. He'd have thrown caution out the window and seduced his brother the moment he thought it possible.
He hopes that they'll be able to keep themselves safe, keep what secrets they must. But if they are discovered, at least there is no higher authority than Joshua in Rosaria. If they had found each other before he took the throne, and been found out, the council of nobles that had been serving as regents would surely have blamed Clive, punished him, sent him away, or worse. Now Joshua could refuse to listen to them, and though there would be serious consequences, they could not gainsay him.
Hopefully, it will never come to that. It would destabilize too much. But the thought of giving up Clive is not one Joshua will ever consider.]
It feels like a dream. Impossible, and perfect. [He reaches out, tugging Clive down for a quick, gentle kiss.] But you are the most real thing in my world.
[He yearns for Clive whenever they're apart, but in truth, he yearned for Clive long before this. At least now Joshua can touch him when they're alone, can kiss him, can learn what it means to love someone.]
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It feels a selfish, sacrosanct thing, to make up for that lost time now. Joshua is no longer a small boy in need of fussing over, and it's been ages since the last time he's been bedridden. Still, Clive indulges in doing up the buttons on the front of Joshua's shirt, and smiles into that quick kiss that his brother presses against his mouth. ]
Would that we could have more of this world together.
[ Look at them, so far from Rosalith yet confined to a castle again. It seems all of Joshua's life is spent in towers and spires and ballrooms and halls. Oriflamme stretches around them like a wyrm with her wings spread, and Clive would like nothing more than to find a tavern and eat lukewarm stew with Joshua tucked by his side.
Another light peck, and he relinquishes his touch. It kills him, but he must. ]
...Keep Dion close, when I'm not with you. Powerless as you aren't, I feel safer when you have allies.
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He lets himself imagine, for a moment, traveling with Clive. Seeing the world, or parts of it, at least. Even the dull ones would be a delight, and with Clive at his side, he would be happy. And maybe they could find a place where no one knew them, where for a little while he could love Clive openly, the way he deserves. Where he would not have to hide his adoration, where he could touch Clive, and the world would know that he was Joshua's.
But that isn't a life he can ever lead. Just a pretty fantasy.]
Would that he were already Emperor.
[Something Joshua absolutely can't say to anyone else, lest he ruin all the gains that Rosaria has made toward peace so far. But he cannot help wishing for it.
Joshua doesn't reach for Clive, as much as he wants to. He knows Clive can't stay. Something else to add to the fantasy: Clive, curled in his bed. Waking up next to him, never fearing that someone might see them.]
I hate you sleeping so far. I hate leaving you on your own in this nest of snakes. Be careful, Clive. I don't like the way any of them look at you.
[Not the ones who want him, not the ones who fear him.]
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His lionhearted brother. Most think of Ifrit as the fearsome one between the two Dominants of Fire, but only because most have never seen the Phoenix take wing. ]
What should I care how they look at me? Your eyes are the only ones I see.
[ His hand settles over his own heart, fingers cradled inwards. A gesture of reverence and a promise, in one: you have my love. As much as it tears him apart to leave when he knows neither of them want the separation, distance has never done anything to make Clive's affections wane. If anything, the time apart has always made him eager to return again, back to the ease and comfort of existing around the one person who has ever made Clive feel whole. ]
Your flame burns within me, always. Your light, and your blessing. I'm never alone.
[ As he pulls his own clothes back on, and rights himself. His palm opens, and dancing on it is a mote of fire in the Phoenix's colors. ]
...If only I could give you a part of Ifrit, in turn.
[ An impossibility, he knows. Ifrit is far too unruly to allow anything of the sort, not to mention that he hasn't heard of any other Eikon being able to bless another. Just one more way in which the Rosarian bloodline is unique, and his brother is exceptional. ]
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Even if it isn't true, it helps to believe that.]
You've already given me everything - your protection, your service. Your love.
[He has never wished for Ifrit's flame, but in truth, Joshua would gladly take it if it were possible. Despite what he says, he can never have enough of Clive. But knowing that Clive has that flame, has another tiny thing tying him to Joshua, makes him happy. It shouldn't - he knows he's too selfish, too possessive - but so long as Clive doesn't hate him for it, he can't bring himself to care.
He should let Clive go, he knows. But Joshua gets up first, and goes to him, reaching up to touch his cheek.]
I have all that I need.
[Just one kiss, just one more. Then Joshua can sleep, though surely his dreams will be full of Clive - as they are, sometimes. He presses his lips to Clive's, gentle and sweet, and then makes himself step away before he can cling any more.]
I've kept you far too long. [A smile, teasing.] Go remove whoever's in your bed. Tell them your lover is too jealous to share.
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Twin flames, bound to each other. Their mouths meet, and the fullness of his heart is ruined only by the reality that they have to part.
A moment to steady himself, and Clive returns the smile with one of his own. ]
Too jealous, and liable to burn Whitewyrm to the ground if my attention wanders.
[ An impossibility. He would sooner break his hands than be forced to touch someone who isn't Joshua; not even the most potent aphrodisiac mixed into his drink could entice him to bed someone else. ]
I love you, [ is a low murmur, almost a promise. He turns to leave, and the distance he has to make grows more and more unbearable with each step. ] Take care, and rest. You'll ever be on my mind.
[ And with that, he gives his brother one last glance over his shoulder before closing the door behind him.
(Gods above and below, Clive has no idea when he's become so weak. Just one plank of wood between him and Joshua, and he already fucking aches. This doesn't bode well for, well, the rest of his life.) ]