[ It occurs to Clive, after offering this sliver of his past, that it was a misstep to ask Verso to throw the ball back at him. If suspicions prove true, then Verso had no childhood in this world to speak of; he came fully formed as the man that he currently is, with no recollection of anything beyond what was imposed upon him. Not quite a dead man brought back to life, and not quite a man allowed to make whatever he wanted of himself－ Lumiere was a false haven for him, a place for him to be kept and corralled like something declawed and domesticated.
The truth blisters. Clive regrets asking. He can't bear to see any part of Verso dim; he reaches across the inches of space they have between their bedrolls, and sifts his fingers through soft waves. ]
...We had you to thank for the foundations of what we had, then. I never knew.
[ History of the older days are told in hushed whispers, the way creation stories are: once upon a time. A tragedy deified by the scale and unknowability of it. There are less and less people who want to dwell on the source of their pain anymore, the ones who have lived it long gone to the Gommage, details lost to petals and sand. Clive has never heard of an immortal family whose beautiful son lived above the city's boulangerie.
His fingers draw affectionate lines down to Verso's face, where he thumbs over the crest of Verso's cheekbone. ]
My favorite place, though... [ The abandoned rookery that he used to curl up in comes to mind, but he doesn't know if that sad little space he went to to escape himself was his favorite. So, after some more consideration: ] ...The Academy training grounds, perhaps. [ The boring answer. A place where he could be useful, could excel at something. A beat later, he offers the less boring answer, which is: ] Or my mentor's apartment. He took me in after my mother threw me out, and it was the closest thing to a home I ever had that wasn't by Joshua's side.
[It does and doesn't surprise Verso that nobody in Lumiere knows about his existence, even in a historic context. In practice, he's used to it. Nobody's he's encountered could ever name the survivors of Expedition Zero. The statues of himself on the harbour have simply become emblematic of the Expeditions. All the arguments he and his father had made in favour of the Paintress seem to have been cast aside once it became clear that Search & Rescue would not be returning to Lumiere because nobody's ever humoured the idea at all.
In theory, though, it's hard for him to grapple with that level of erasure. Not due to an inflated sense of self-worth, but rather because it hurts to think that everything he's done of his own will and all the words he spoke using his own damned voice have been lost to time, while the memory of a man he's never been and an sacrifice he's never made carry on into perpetuity.
That doesn't matter, either, though. It's also unchangeable. Verso releases a soft sigh, willing his mind to focus on the good of what Clive is saying and not the way it calls into question another aspect of what Verso had thought he'd known.]
Guess they weren't too fussed over record-keeping back then.
[Which is probably true as well.
The topic of home chases some of his darkness away, though. As much as he still holds fondness for the place itself, it was the times that really stuck with him, and the people with whom he experienced them. So he can relate to the connection between favourite places and favourite people. He can soften into the words Clive speaks afterwards and feel himself reflecting them back without forethought.]
I think I feel the same way.
[Think only because he doesn't have much frame of reference. There are Monoco and Esquie, of course, but things are harder with them. He is not their Verso. And while they've never made him feel bad about that, he still ends up struggling with his own sense of inadequacy all the bloody time. He does want to clarify this but it's hard for him to put it in words, so he takes a moment longer.]
Sorry, that came out wrong. It's more that I'm not exactly used to belonging than that I'm unsure about you.
[He keeps his tone light and slightly humorous. Maybe the sentiment is sad, but he's glad to be discovering how it feels now.]
[ Now, Clive will wonder if that erasure was purposeful. Yet another way in which this world conspired to remove Verso's agency, to set him on a path where he had no choice but to isolate himself and remain in the clutches of his family. But that doesn't seem quite right, either－ this was supposed to be the idealized version of a life his grieving mother lost, an evergreen fantasy where she could live with her son without reality closing inwards. Clive doubts the Paintress would have planned for a catastrophe to divide them all, and thus, the statement about Verso being the reason for the rampant strife in this world is given more context.
It's haunting. Clive could shake himself for having asked how Verso lives with it all. Careless, cruel words spoken in the heat of his own selfish breakdown; Verso never had a fucking choice.
So, finally: ] ...I'll never forgive any of them for what they've done to you.
[ For making Verso feel as if he doesn't belong. For displacing him, then discarding him. For fighting over him when he didn't wish to be fought over. For making him a pawn in their war to justify their own feelings. For caring more about being correct than Verso's continuing torture.
His hand stills on Verso's jaw. Keeping him there with resolute obstinacy. ]
You belong. You have a right to live, and to be happy. You have always been, and will ever be, enough.
[ His voice rasps low, emotion edging into the corner of every syllable. ]
...And if we ever venture to Lumiere together, we'll find new places to call our own.
[When Verso had asked to learn more about Clive, he had simply intended to fill in some of the smaller gaps in their understandings of each other. The little things that might not have shaped them but that have added more colour to their existences, giving them a sheen that their circumstances can't tarnish. Maybe they'd share some stories about what their lives were like when they could still claim some degree of normalcy.
It was a silly notion. They're both anything but ordinary. Their lives have been anything but ordinary.
Even so, he wasn't expecting Clive to reach out and take hold of his heart with the same shocking ease as before. He wasn't expecting his eyes to fall shut and his breath to fall short and his words to cease existing. It's all right, he wants to say. The Paintress is mad with grief. I'm not who you think I am, he wants to argue. He's stolen away too many lives to have the right to his own life, never mind his own happiness. I'm not really enough, he knows to keep to himself. Clive doesn't deserve to have to try and lift him up from those dredges, and Verso can't bear the thought of putting him through that effort.
There's no place for me in Lumiere anymore, he settles on as a final thought, but even that ends up being too difficult for him to express.]
Flatterer.
[So he hides away instead. It's a weak mask, though, so thick with emotion that it cracks beneath its own weight. Stubbornly, he tries to maintain it anyway, reaching to place his own hand atop Clive's against his jaw.]
Now I'm going to have to start trying to live up to all that.
[He doesn't think that he can. But someday, he wants to be able to hear those same words in that same voice and be able to believe them. Someday, he wants to actually deserve them.]
Edited ("i'm not who you think you are..." thanks brain, appreciate it) 2025-09-16 02:48 (UTC)
[ Oh, he didn't mean to do that. To make Verso shutter away, to cocoon himself in self-deprecation, to mistake Clive's conviction as expectation. He thinks of Joshua and his small hands balled into fists whenever their mother crowed at him about staying inside, about not consorting with the so-called orphans and ill-conceived children in their neighborhood; god, the weight of it. Like Joshua, Verso needn't be anything but himself, but Clive is aware of how comical that would sound coming from a man who just had a full-on mental swordfight with his literal inner demon.
So, instead: something lighter. Which is what this exercise was supposed to be about, with all apologies owed to Verso. Clive shakes his head at the assertion about Verso having to do anything, and shifts sideways on his bedroll to press his lips to the crown of Verso's head. ]
I like you as you are. [ Just in case he hasn't made this abundantly clear. Clive is crazy for Verso, and there's no shame in admitting it.
That said, he adds: ] Similarities to a Petank and all.
[ Teasing. Verso is hardly a skittish little thing who balks at the mere possibility of an encounter, but he's quick and full of tricks and is prone to changing the rules of the game. Of all the Nevrons they've had to deal with, Clive thinks the Petanks are unusually endearing.
And, with that, he pinches the bridge of Verso's very nicely-shaped nose. Honk. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flamebrand) wrote2024-09-08 02:07 pm
no subject
The truth blisters. Clive regrets asking. He can't bear to see any part of Verso dim; he reaches across the inches of space they have between their bedrolls, and sifts his fingers through soft waves. ]
...We had you to thank for the foundations of what we had, then. I never knew.
[ History of the older days are told in hushed whispers, the way creation stories are: once upon a time. A tragedy deified by the scale and unknowability of it. There are less and less people who want to dwell on the source of their pain anymore, the ones who have lived it long gone to the Gommage, details lost to petals and sand. Clive has never heard of an immortal family whose beautiful son lived above the city's boulangerie.
His fingers draw affectionate lines down to Verso's face, where he thumbs over the crest of Verso's cheekbone. ]
My favorite place, though... [ The abandoned rookery that he used to curl up in comes to mind, but he doesn't know if that sad little space he went to to escape himself was his favorite. So, after some more consideration: ] ...The Academy training grounds, perhaps. [ The boring answer. A place where he could be useful, could excel at something. A beat later, he offers the less boring answer, which is: ] Or my mentor's apartment. He took me in after my mother threw me out, and it was the closest thing to a home I ever had that wasn't by Joshua's side.
[ Chainsmoking, unserious-but-deathly-serious Cid. ]
Now, being by your side gives me the same feeling.
no subject
In theory, though, it's hard for him to grapple with that level of erasure. Not due to an inflated sense of self-worth, but rather because it hurts to think that everything he's done of his own will and all the words he spoke using his own damned voice have been lost to time, while the memory of a man he's never been and an sacrifice he's never made carry on into perpetuity.
That doesn't matter, either, though. It's also unchangeable. Verso releases a soft sigh, willing his mind to focus on the good of what Clive is saying and not the way it calls into question another aspect of what Verso had thought he'd known.]
Guess they weren't too fussed over record-keeping back then.
[Which is probably true as well.
The topic of home chases some of his darkness away, though. As much as he still holds fondness for the place itself, it was the times that really stuck with him, and the people with whom he experienced them. So he can relate to the connection between favourite places and favourite people. He can soften into the words Clive speaks afterwards and feel himself reflecting them back without forethought.]
I think I feel the same way.
[Think only because he doesn't have much frame of reference. There are Monoco and Esquie, of course, but things are harder with them. He is not their Verso. And while they've never made him feel bad about that, he still ends up struggling with his own sense of inadequacy all the bloody time. He does want to clarify this but it's hard for him to put it in words, so he takes a moment longer.]
Sorry, that came out wrong. It's more that I'm not exactly used to belonging than that I'm unsure about you.
[He keeps his tone light and slightly humorous. Maybe the sentiment is sad, but he's glad to be discovering how it feels now.]
Because I am sure.
no subject
It's haunting. Clive could shake himself for having asked how Verso lives with it all. Careless, cruel words spoken in the heat of his own selfish breakdown; Verso never had a fucking choice.
So, finally: ] ...I'll never forgive any of them for what they've done to you.
[ For making Verso feel as if he doesn't belong. For displacing him, then discarding him. For fighting over him when he didn't wish to be fought over. For making him a pawn in their war to justify their own feelings. For caring more about being correct than Verso's continuing torture.
His hand stills on Verso's jaw. Keeping him there with resolute obstinacy. ]
You belong. You have a right to live, and to be happy. You have always been, and will ever be, enough.
[ His voice rasps low, emotion edging into the corner of every syllable. ]
...And if we ever venture to Lumiere together, we'll find new places to call our own.
no subject
It was a silly notion. They're both anything but ordinary. Their lives have been anything but ordinary.
Even so, he wasn't expecting Clive to reach out and take hold of his heart with the same shocking ease as before. He wasn't expecting his eyes to fall shut and his breath to fall short and his words to cease existing. It's all right, he wants to say. The Paintress is mad with grief. I'm not who you think I am, he wants to argue. He's stolen away too many lives to have the right to his own life, never mind his own happiness. I'm not really enough, he knows to keep to himself. Clive doesn't deserve to have to try and lift him up from those dredges, and Verso can't bear the thought of putting him through that effort.
There's no place for me in Lumiere anymore, he settles on as a final thought, but even that ends up being too difficult for him to express.]
Flatterer.
[So he hides away instead. It's a weak mask, though, so thick with emotion that it cracks beneath its own weight. Stubbornly, he tries to maintain it anyway, reaching to place his own hand atop Clive's against his jaw.]
Now I'm going to have to start trying to live up to all that.
[He doesn't think that he can. But someday, he wants to be able to hear those same words in that same voice and be able to believe them. Someday, he wants to actually deserve them.]
no subject
So, instead: something lighter. Which is what this exercise was supposed to be about, with all apologies owed to Verso. Clive shakes his head at the assertion about Verso having to do anything, and shifts sideways on his bedroll to press his lips to the crown of Verso's head. ]
I like you as you are. [ Just in case he hasn't made this abundantly clear. Clive is crazy for Verso, and there's no shame in admitting it.
That said, he adds: ] Similarities to a Petank and all.
[ Teasing. Verso is hardly a skittish little thing who balks at the mere possibility of an encounter, but he's quick and full of tricks and is prone to changing the rules of the game. Of all the Nevrons they've had to deal with, Clive thinks the Petanks are unusually endearing.
And, with that, he pinches the bridge of Verso's very nicely-shaped nose. Honk. ]