[Joshua lifts a hand to Clive's cheek. Weak as he is, he has enough strength for this, enough to try to soothe some of that barely-restrained chaos. His touch is warm, a little too warm - his temperature high as the Phoenix burns off whatever toxins are left in his body, ensuring that he will at least have a chance to heal from this.
He should be thinking only of the politics of it all. Of what this means for Rosaria, for the peace treaty. And he is, but -
He loves Clive, an impossible feeling that, in this weakened state, almost makes Joshua want to cry.
His death would reverberate through Valisthea. He knows that - with Rosaria unstable, a war would have effects not only on their country but on the balance of power across the Twins. Plenty of people would care if he died, for better or for worse. But none of them care about him - they care about the Archduke of Rosaria, the Phoenix's Dominant. Joshua Rosfield is simply the person holding those positions currently.
Clive is the only person in the world, he thinks, who cares about him as more than that.
Joshua doesn't normally agonize over it, doesn't focus on what he lacks, but the truth is that he has no actual friends. He has a castle full of servants and knights and councilors, most of them older than him, none of them at all able to treat him as an equal. He doesn't get to put his burdens down and gossip with friends, share secrets, laugh over silly things. He always tries to be kind to those around him, and he thinks most of them like him well enough, but there will always be a distance there. He is their lord. They are his subjects.
Being able to speak to Dion as an equal, or nearly, was a relief. But even there Joshua must be guarded, must be careful what he says. Even if he trusts Dion as much as he can in their situation, Dion is Sanbreque's to his core, and can never truly be the sort of friend Joshua might wish for.
The only person he can let his guard down with is Clive. Only when they're alone, with no eyes on them, can he simply be Joshua. Clive is the only one who knows him like that, the only one who loves him as a person, as something besides his position. The only one who would truly miss him, if he were gone.]
I can't lose you. I can't - do this without you.
[That Clive wants vengeance for him should not make Joshua happy, but it does. A painful sort of joy, the knowledge that Clive truly loves him this much. But he can't risk Clive's life over something like that - never. And Sanbreque would love any chance to destroy Ifrit.]
They will not be forgiven. But we can use this.
[Of course they can. A failed assassination attempt means Rosaria can demand reparations. All the power is in Joshua's hands, for the moment - and he simply had to nearly die for it.]
[ They can. They must. Sanbreque made a critical error in failing to poison Clive's plate alongside Joshua's, and that fatal misstep will allow Rosaria to strike back with the sort of righteousness that will be ruinous for Sanbreque's reputation: an Empire that has to resort to sabotage to gain an advantage over a duchy less than half its size.
Still, all of it turns Clive's stomach. That Joshua has to barter his life for this, that Joshua has to accept his pain to turn it into collateral. As if it doesn't matter that he's a young man of barely over twenty who has spent his entire live being venerated instead of loved.
Joshua is human. He feels. And the more the world seeks to deprive his brother of that simplicity, the more Clive is inclined to dig his heels in and swat the white noise away.
So, finally: ] ...We can. And we will. [ That affirmation, before he cups his brother's face in both of his hands. ] But for now, we can set those things aside.
[ Again: Joshua is human. He deserves to be frightened, to want support, to ask for comfort. To need something from someone, and to have the freedom to reach out without judgment, for once. Clive gets up from where he'd been knelt on the floor to crane over his brother's still-limp form, bridging the gap between them to rub foreheads with agonizing care. ]
My brother. [ A low whisper, as Clive closes his eyes again. His breath shudders, and his lashes feel thick with tears again. ] I'll protect you. They won't dare separate me from you again.
[ (Unhealthy practices, made more unhealthy through calamity.) Clive thumbs along the corner of Joshua's mouth, wiping drying blood from his lips in the process. ]
[It's hard for Joshua to set that sort of thing aside. For so long he's been trained to think that way - raised for it, really, raised to put Rosaria before himself. To prime for his country, to fight for it however he must. As a Dominant, he knew that one day that would mean dying for it, too, when the curse caught up to him.
And he has always known that he has to seem strong. He has to seem like he embraces his role, like he doesn't wish for anything else, like he's never afraid.
But he is. He was terrified. It was only having Clive there that helped at all, only the knowledge that Clive would do anything he could, that Joshua was safe with him. That even if he did die, it wouldn't be because Clive had allowed it to happen.]
I don't - [He takes a breath, and it stutters, caught in his throat as he struggles not to cry.] I don't want you to leave my side again.
[It's all he can ask for, really. He can't demand that Clive keep him safe, because how is Clive meant to protect him from something like this? But if Clive is there, he can be a little stronger. It's the best comfort he could have, the only one. When Clive is near, when it's only the two of them, Joshua can let down his guard. He can let Clive support him, and that will give him the strength to continue even when he's terrified.
He shouldn't, he knows. He asks so much of Clive already, Clive gives him so much. Gives him everything. To ask for this too, to ask Clive to support him when he's weak and frightened, is wrong. Joshua is meant to be the one leading, is meant to be strong enough to never waver.
But he reaches for Clive, fingers clutching at the sleeve of his shirt, wanting simply to touch him. To be held, for just a moment. To remember that he is alive.]
[ Contingencies on contingencies. If this has taught Clive anything, it's that he has to be more vigilant: he'll taste Joshua's food before Joshua does, he'll keep an antidote on his person regularly, and he'll remain by Joshua's side for all meals taken outside of Rosaria. (Sir Wade, poor thing, will hold his head in his hands and lament Clive's backslide into bad habits again, but he'll understand it― tolerate it, even, until it gets too impossible to excuse away.)
"I don't want" is rarer out of Joshua's mouth than "I want". It breaks Clive's heart, but the rest of it eases some of that ache. ]
As are you. My reason for breathing.
[ His weight depresses the mattress as he slinks onto the bed, still fully-dressed; he wraps his arms around Joshua, pulling him up against his chest to support his weight, enveloping him in warmth and humming aether. Ifrit stirs under his skin, recognizing the Phoenix. ]
I'll remain ever by your side. ...For however long we need to remain in this nest of vipers.
[ He's fairly certain that Sylvestre Lesage will balk at the thought of Ifrit being in audience for official proceedings, but Clive has little to no regard for the Sanbrequians' comfort anymore. He would sooner kill the entirety of this castle than allow any of them to even breathe in his brother's direction, but he will also never allow anyone to call Joshua a failure― if brokering peace is what they must do, he will be the picture of docility by his brother's side. Clive Rosfield will not be the thing that tarnishes Joshua Rosfield's reputation.
Gentle fingers comb through gold hair, wiping sweat off a fevered brow. ]
[He relaxes into Clive, a quiet surrender of his fears. He's still in pain, throat raw from the poison, stomach twisting, temperature high. He probably won't be able to each much beyond thin soup for awhile. But he will have time to heal, time and what little bit of safety Clive can give him. He knows that much.
Joshua can hear Clive's heartbeat. He could before, too, held in his arms, when Joshua didn't know if he would live at all. When he thought dying there, so close to the one he loves most in the world, might be all that he could ask for.
Living is better. He can feel Clive's warmth, Ifrit's flames. After Phoenix Gate, Joshua wondered if their eikons might view each other as enemies - if that was something they even could feel. But he no longer thinks that's possible. If anything, they call to each other. There's a connection, perhaps, something deeper than anyone knew. Maybe that's why he's never been afraid of Ifrit, even after everything.]
I wish that we could run away.
[He should never say these things. He knows that, he knows it, and normally he wouldn't. Normally Joshua would have the strength to keep them locked away, keep them as the idle fancies they are. They can never be anything more, after all, and no one can ever hear him say them. Even Clive shouldn't.
But Joshua is only barely holding himself together. It's sinking in now, as he recovers the ability to think clearly. He's realizing, truly, just how close to death he was. How easily it could have happened - if the Phoenix were a little less invested in his survival. If the poison had been a little stronger, or if he'd eaten more, instead of picking carefully at the overly-rich meal he'd been served. If Clive had been slower, or hadn't ensured they had antidotes on this trip.]
Somewhere far from here. Somewhere - somewhere safe.
[From this, from everything. Somewhere he could sleep in Clive's arms every night and never have to fear being found out. He knows it's impossible. But for once, he's too weak to keep from wishing for something impossible.]
[ They'll have to extend their stay here. Joshua is in no state to travel, not even if it would feel safer to be far from Oriflamme and its treachery. He still feels hot to the touch, his breaths still come out ragged, his voice still sounds raw and strung-out. A poison so fast-acting and lethal will require days to drain out of Joshua's system, with or without the Phoenix; even setting the matter of the assassination aside, Clive fears the toll the eikon's protection will have on his brother, the potential petrification that looms ever closer the more Joshua calls the Firebird to him.
It terrifies Clive. Sometimes, it feels as if the world brought them together only to have them be torn apart in one way or another: politics, propriety, powerlessness. He's wracked his brain for ways to save Joshua, for his brother to inhabit this world in a way that would be gentler to him, that would be more tolerable, but that future slips further and further away with each passing year.
And so, when Joshua mentions running away― well. Clive's hold tightens around him, his breath knotted in the back of his throat. ]
...Should this world ever forsake you, [ he murmurs, knowing just as much that he shouldn't, shouldn't say any of this, ] should this world and its people ever turn its back on you―
―I would take you away.
[ "Do your duty." "Protect father". Clive has already spoken these words once to Joshua, on the night that he nearly tore him in two; never again. Never again. ]
Away from the Twins, away from anyone who would know who we were. I would, Joshua.
[ A sin, spoken into existence. Effectively ruining all of Clive's years spent trying to protect his brother from himself; what a failure of a Shield he is, to promise his brother the abdication of both of their duties. He's wicked, selfish, weak. But he also loves Joshua more than anything, more than the world and the people in it. ]
[He lets himself imagine it, just for a moment. Running away from this place, from everything. From the burdens they've both carried since the day they were born. Though Joshua was raised in a castle, in truth he requires little to be happy - food, shelter, a chance to indulge his interests. And Clive, of course.
If they fled from all of this, ran to somewhere no one knew them, they could do anything. Travel, if they wanted. Joshua has always wished he could see more of the world, learn what he could. Books are one thing, but he knows there's so much more out there. But even that, he wouldn't really need. Just somewhere safe with Clive. They could both have time to discover what they might like to do without the demands of their blood, their destinies. They could be together.
They don't look that similar. Joshua takes after Anabella's finer features and paler coloring, while Clive has their father's dark hair and warrior's build. There are similarities, if one looks close, but no one would easily guess that they were brothers. And if no one knew, then Joshua could simply be with him. Could hold his hand, and share his bed, and love him properly, the way he deserves.
He wishes he could cling to the fantasy.]
I would go anywhere with you. [It's barely more than a whisper. He's already said more than he should have. These thoughts are indulgences he isn't meant to entertain, not even for these few moments.] Somewhere quiet, where no one needs me, no one fears you. Where you don't have to spend your life fighting.
[His own grip on Clive tightens. He can't say the rest, though he thinks of it. Somewhere he could pledge himself to Clive, the way he wishes for. Joshua will never marry anyone else, no matter how the nobles of Rosaria might hate him for it - but he'll never be able to marry Clive, either. It's his most impossible fantasy, tying Clive to himself in that way.
It's all only a dream. He knows his duty, and he won't forsake it.]
I only want peace, for both of us. [A breath, one that's not so hard fought for, but still stings.] I will - fight for it here. I will.
[ A future that only exists in the safety of their minds. Even if they leave, their past will likely find a way to catch up to them; even if they run away, they'll carry the guilt of it with them forever. There's always a price to pay, and it just so happens that the consequences of their actions will affect far, far more than most.
And so, they have to grit their teeth and bear it. Eke out whatever happiness they can find between the long stretches of strife. Keep a white-knuckled hold on the moments of privacy that are afforded to them, and look forward to the next.
This, though, is different. They're here, just the two of them, but under circumstances that make Clive want to scream, still. His rage is still in the room with them, an invisible force that paces back and forth like a restless creature, ready to bare teeth. ]
...If you'll fight, so will I. We'll face our enemies together, as we've always done.
[ Even when Joshua isn't physically present on the frontlines. Clive's banner has always been under his brother's name, blasphemous as that is to the Phoenix. ]
The Sanbrequians have erred. They've shown themselves to be weak― afraid of our united front. [ Fingers sift over Joshua's forehead, pushing his bangs away from his eyes. ] We'll show them exactly what they should fear.
[ Clive, storm-eyed and sharp, ever-vigilant beside the poised grace of Rosaria's Archduke. It'll be the roles they have to play, but if theater is what it takes for the two of them to be together, then Clive will endure. There's no happiness possible for him without Joshua. ]
And we'll find our peace. As best we can.
[ He folds forward, lips landing on the crown of Joshua's head. Breathing him in, grip a little tight around his brother's shoulders. ]
[Everything is a little easier with Clive there. Even if he does nothing but stand by Joshua's side, his presence means that Joshua never truly doubts that he is safe. Really, ideally, Clive would never have to do anything but be by his side - he could put down his sword, let the borders defend themselves, find a life that doesn't demand everything from him.
It's as impossible as the rest of Joshua's fantasies, but he hopes that one day he might be able to build something similar, at least. Something that allows his Lord Commander to stop shouldering the burdens of their whole country. Something that, selfishly, gives him more of Clive's time.
If he's strong enough, if they play things right, he can lay the first brick here.]
They'll be even more frightened with you at my side.
[He rests his head against Clive's shoulder, weary still. Joshua doesn't know how long this will take to heal from, but he doesn't have time to waste. If he must take a chair to the negotiations with the emperor, he'll do so - all the more reason to have Clive there as his attendant.
His anger, too, is an odd comfort. Joshua has a right to be angry as well, he knows, but he must always temper it. He can hate Sanbreque, can distrust each and every one of them, but he has to treat them carefully. If not with kindness - he's not certain he can summon that, feeling the way he does - then with neutrality. But Clive can be angry, in a way that Joshua doesn't feel he's allowed. The Sanbrequians already fear him for what he is. This will only make them fear him more, and now Joshua thinks they deserve it.
So long as they do nothing to harm him. That, Joshua would not forgive.
Which reminds him.]
Clive... you should not have been so careless. You could have poisoned yourself.
[He can't muster the energy for a proper scolding, but he isn't going to let it go without saying something. Clive saved his life, but what would Joshua have done if it had taken Clive's in the process?]
[ Let the world see Ifrit as the Phoenix's attack dog. If the Warden of Inferno needs to be a living, breathing deterrent, so be it. Clive will use his eikon as he must, and the rest of the Twins will know as much.
The problem, now, is seeing their current predicament through to the end. It must be the case that the entirety of Whitewyrm is buzzing with talk of Joshua's sudden "bout of sickness", as they'll choose to spin it－ Clive has no idea how Dion has been dealing with the aftermath, or if he has, in fact, done them the kindness (or, at the very least, the due diligence) of investigating the matter further. He wants to believe that Dion has, and that Dion has raised the issue to those that will bring the treachery to light; if not, all talk of peace would be over before it began.
He can also only wonder if Sylvestre Lesage has been informed of this. Would he have been the one who'd masterminded the entire thing? His astrologers? The war council?
(A certain woman wearing the skin of their mother comes to mind; Clive pushes the thought away before it can take root.)
The furious churn of his mind only halts when he registers the chiding. For a moment, Clive looks entirely like someone who has no idea what he could be being scolded for, then shakes his head in light protest. ]
It was the only way. You were in pain, and our supplies were limited.
[ A blunt laying-out of his priorities: Joshua's life is far dearer than his own. ]
I could fetch you a potion, as well. [ A kiss to Joshua's temple, easily brushing aside the matter of his own wellbeing. Nothing his brother need concern himself with. ]
[How frustrating Clive can be, though Joshua is aware he doesn't do it intentionally - it's only that he doesn't value his life the way Joshua does. And why would he? Their mother did her best to ensure he knew he had no worth, and their father, though not nearly so cruel, did little to teach him otherwise. And now most of Rosaria treats him similarly: frightening, but disposable.
He's never been that to Joshua. He sits up a little - though it takes more effort than he might like - and touches his fingers to Clive's jaw, gently ensuring that Clive looks at him. Perhaps that will make it harder to brush off Joshua's words.]
If you had saved me at the cost of your life, it would not have been a trade I was willing to make.
[He didn't - Clive seems fine, and likely didn't get more than a drop or two of poison when his lips were on Joshua's - and that's the only reason Joshua isn't more angry.
(Well, not the only reason. He doesn't have the energy for it, really. But he'd find it somewhere, if he needed it.)
But Clive was hurt protecting him so recently, and who knows how many times before that when he was on the borders, times Joshua never found out about. Clive is the strongest person he knows, the best swordsman, but even he can be unlucky. That is the sort of thing Joshua has nightmares about. His brother hurt, lost, somewhere Joshua can't help him. Clive falling, and Joshua not finding out until days later.]
Fetch me a potion, and one for yourself. I'll only be able to rest properly if I know you're safe.
[And if Clive had eaten that food - if Clive had been the one poisoned - would Joshua have been able to save him? He doesn't know. He would have burned himself out trying, he thinks.]
[ A small sound of protest when Joshua tries to sit up, muted only by that featherlight touch to his jaw. Clive looks down at where his brother is tucked against his chest, and his red-rimmed eyes narrow slightly in contrition.
It's not that he wants to die－ he'd never want to leave Joshua to face this world alone－ but the truth remains that the scales will always tip in Joshua's favor when it comes to who to save between the two of them. ]
...My life is yours. I'll do my utmost not to be careless.
[ With a slight bow of his head in contrition, to show that he means it. As little as his own life might be worth in the grand scheme of things (he knows what the Undying think of him, how they would have put a knife between his ribs if not for Joshua's intervention), there's no point in wasting it prematurely.
His pulse feels too fast under his skin. Every cell in his body screams in protest as he peels himself away, as if leaving for even a moment will cause his brother's condition to worsen again, but he swallows that anxiety down and slides off the bed to go find his potions in the wreckage of their travel pack.
They probably do need to speak to someone about extending their stay for the sake of Joshua's health, though it burns Clive to think of asking the Sanbrequians for anything. He's already made it clear that he doesn't want anyone disturbing their peace for the rest of the day, but Sylvestre Lesage might push back regardless, and the thought of that rankles, too. ]
You needn't worry about anything but recovering, Joshua. I'll handle the rest for today.
[Joshua bites his lip, watching Clive. He almost doesn't say anything - but he can't quite help himself.]
If your life is mine, treasure it the way I do.
[He knows there's only so much that Clive will listen to. And there's so much that Rosaria demands of him, too. It's a fruitless battle, because Clive will always put himself between Joshua and danger, even if it means his life. Joshua loves him for it, loves that it is not only duty that drives him to it but the bone-deep bonds they share, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fear the results of it.
But he lets it rest at that. He watches Clive instead, already missing his warmth, his solid presence. When Joshua was younger and sick all the time, Clive would sneak in sometimes, and his quiet appearance always lifted Joshua's spirits. He might be feeling awful - as he is now - but having Clive nearby never failed to soothe him. It's no different now, except that he is older, the Archduke, meant to need no one but himself. To stand alone.
He doesn't want to. Not if it means parting from Clive.]
I hate to leave it all on your shoulders. I fear they'll treat you poorly.
[If Joshua had his way, he would be up and about immediately. He'd be demanding the Sanbrequians find his attempted assassin, and pressing Sylvestre Lesage to make far more concessions in the treaty than he ever expected. In truth, Joshua doesn't really care who did it - he's sure whoever gets the blame will only be a convenient villain, and not the true mind behind it. But there must be some sort of justice.
It doesn't matter how much he wants to do those things, though - he simply can't. The pain has mostly subsided, though his throat still feels raw and he expects his stomach will revolt against food for a bit. The potion will help. But it won't restore his energy, it won't immediately heal the damage that poison did. He'll need time for that, and until then Joshua can hardly sit up, much less stride around demanding things.
He wants to do his duty, and make the peace that they need. He wants to crawl under his bedcovers with Clive, and tell the rest of the world to take care of itself for awhile, curl close to his brother and sleep safely next to him. He's not sure he can really have either of those things.]
[ A low huff under his breath, at the mention of treatment. ]
Not as poorly as they've treated you.
[ They could chase Clive with cudgels in hand, and it would still pale in comparison to the level of abject deceit and violence that Joshua suffered today. And truly, from the bottom of Clive's heart, he couldn't care less about being reviled; he doesn't wish for the approval of people who would have let his brother die, and the only affection he'll ever seek is from Joshua.
Bottles clink in his hand as he brings them over to the bed again. One is more potent than the other, and it's the one he hands to Joshua as he sidles into that safe space, only debating for a moment whether it would be prudent to do mouth-to-mouth again before deciding that his brother has chided him enough. He ought not to give Joshua more reasons to worry. ]
...I won't leave you in this state. I'll speak to whoever comes to the door in your stead.
[ Because, despite his warning to the first man who came knocking, he's sure that someone higher on the food chain will try to coax at least one of the Rosfields out of hiding.
(Like a certain wicked woman, who would perhaps like to keep her Eikons close to her. Bahamut and the Phoenix, corralled in her castle like toys in a toybox. She can hand Ifrit to the Rosarians as a gesture of goodwill－ she wouldn't want that one nearby, anyway. He looks too much like her beloathed previous husband.
She is, in fact, winding her way through the halls, waving aside attendants as if she has any authority left. Exile hasn't been kind to her, but she is, if nothing else, ambitious.) ]
[He settles back against Clive, comforted by his return. Joshua sips the potion slowly, mostly for the sake of his throat - it doesn't taste especially good, but luckily he's had plenty of experience drinking unpleasant medicine. Comparatively, the potion isn't bad at all.
And it does help. Not as much as he might like, he'll still need to rest and heal for longer than he'd like, but it's something. It settles his stomach, healing some of the worst of the damage. He watches Clive drink his potion, too, reassured by the sight. It's only when they've both finished that he lays his head against Clive's shoulder.]
I expect we'll have visitors before long.
[A representative of the emperor, perhaps, with the first of many apologies. Or Dion, checking to see whether he actually survived. Joshua is too weary to think of all the possibilities. He'll have to take them as they come - or rather, allow Clive to handle them. He doesn't mind that. Joshua thinks that Clive is far more capable than he believes himself to be in this area.
But he intends to listen closely anyway, in case they treat him with disrespect. He hears the way they speak of Clive: with fear, with disgust. It makes him angry, but in a way, it makes him proud, too. They should fear Clive. But even if Joshua feels that way, he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't know what he'll do if he does - it's not as if he has the strength to rise from the bed and shout at them. He can hardly even raise his voice.
He'll be there, though. He won't make Clive face this alone.]
Whatever decisions you make, know that I will stand by them. What power I have is yours.
[And there is a sharp rap upon the door just then. Joshua sighs softly. He is not quite ready to give up Clive's warmth, but he knows they must face this.]
[ A sharp knock at the door, to snap Clive out of this impossible reverie. Much as he'd like to hover next to Joshua and run his fingers through blond hair for the rest of the day and through the night, duty calls－
－and it takes the form of a familiar voice, muffled but unmistakable through the thick wood of the door that separates their peace from the rest of Sanbreque.
"Joshua? Oh, Joshua, I came as soon as I heard－"
Clive's blood turns to ice. There's no part of him that fears Anabella (previously Rosfield), ten years displaced from her betrayal at Phoenix's Gate, but the unchanged cadence of her words still makes the fifteen year old in him grit his teeth and sit up ramrod-straight, vigilance hammered into him from more than a decade of watching her moods.
Strangely, he feels less hate for her than he knows he should. In its place is a void that of Anabella's own leaving, an absence that she carved into the space where he should have known a mother's love.
He glances towards Joshua, his own countenance slightly paler now as the presence behind that barrier asserts itself with more insistence. ]
...Nothing good will come of this, [ he murmurs. His throat feels tight, but he also feels miles away from the cradle of his own body; like he's watching himself from the opposite end of the room. ]
He knew that their mother was somewhere in Sanbreque. She could not return to Rosaria after her betrayal, not without facing the fate of a traitor, but even though her plot failed Joshua was certain she'd find some sort of safety here. She's too clever to do anything else. But he had made no effort to find out where, exactly, she'd gone. No effort to find her at all.
Joshua had loved his mother. He'd been too young to do anything else, really, too young to understand her cruelty towards Clive, her overprotectiveness towards him. Far too young to understand the kind of person Anabella had always been. But he had never been happy with how she treated Clive, he'd never quite worshiped her the way she might have wanted. His heart did not break when she betrayed them, because even so young he'd known on some level what she really was.
And he never wanted to see her again.
He doesn't want to see her now. But he wants Clive to see her even less - Clive, who she treated like nothing, Clive who deserved so much better. She will be cruel to him. If Joshua were well, he would not hesitate to put himself between them. He would ensure she spoke only to him. The look on Clive's face is enough to make him certain of that.
He isn't even sure he can stand. But he has to try.]
Help me to the door. [Softly, to Clive.] If I lean against the wall, it will be all right.
[And then, louder, though it's an effort:] You did not need to do that, Mother. I'll be fine. [An attempt to send her away, though he knows it's not likely to work.]
[ Clive had heard about Anabella through the grapevine: protected by Sanbreque and by the ailing Sylvestre's favor, but in a precarious position because of the not-quite-success (deposing Elwin, but leaving with two Dominants in her wake) that was the debacle at Phoenix Gate.
All Clive cared to know was that she was alive. Nothing else. As far as he'd been concerned, their paths would never cross again. Naïve of him, he knows now. Their mother would never willingly ignore an opportunity presented to her.
Like now. Clive hears how her voice soars in delight when Joshua calls her mother; she's far too proud to use her hands to pound against the door, but the words that bounce against that physical barrier serves the same purpose.
"Oh Joshua－ my darling, darling boy. Whatever happened, I can protect you from it. You know I've only ever wanted the best for you."
It hurts Clive's head to hear. Anger and distress push up against his skull, makes him taste the same anxiety-bile that'd welled up in the back of his throat whenever he'd felt Anabella's cold impassivity slide over him as a child. So many years later, and he can still remember curling up on the dirt-streaked floor of an abandoned rookery, fighting off the mental image of that look on his mother's face. ]
Joshua, [ he tries to protest. Again, there's nothing good that will come of his brother seeing Anabella in his current state. But Clive also sees that certainty on Joshua's face, and he cedes the point. ]
...If she makes you feel ill, I'll take over.
[ A low sigh later, his arms gently curl around his brother's pain-limp body and carry him gently up and out of bed. They remain looped around his shoulders, his waist, bolstering him through their journey towards the door, where Anabella is still chattering about how only she has the authority to make all of Joshua's anxieties go away. Even if there was any truth to that, Clive doesn't want to accept it.
Blue eyes flick towards Joshua, a silent ready?. A foolish question: neither of them would ever have been prepared for this reunion, and that becomes evident as Clive turns the doorknob and gets metaphorically kicked in the gut by the familiar face that looks back at them from the hallway, completely unchanged despite the decade of separation.
As expected, said familiar face turns sour at the realization that Clive is present; it turns sickly sweet with concern when her focus slips to Joshua. "Oh Founder, Joshua, look at you! My poor, sweet child!" ]
[Joshua knows that it probably won't go well. He knows that, and he knows that he doesn't really want to see her either, doesn't want to speak with her. But he also knows that if they don't, there will surely be some kind of consequences. That she's found shelter here means that she must have some sort of power within Sanbreque, and if they turn her away without even speaking to her -
Joshua knows Anabella won't go quietly, in that case.
He thought he might be able to hold himself up by leaning against the wall, and let Clive avoid facing their mother entirely - but he hasn't the strength. He needs Clive there, needs his steady presence. But he sees the way Anabella's gaze sours and dismisses him, and Joshua feels -
Angry.
He never really did when he was young. He felt confused, mostly, and sad, not understanding why she didn't love Clive the way he did. Joshua is older now, and he understands it even less, but he's not confused anymore. He's angry at the way she treats Clive, at the way Clive has always deserved so much better.]
I will be quite well with some rest. [He keeps his voice steady, coolly polite. As if they're nearly strangers.] You should not have come.
[He wants to send her away, as quickly as possible. Joshua knows it won't be easy - knows she wants something. He tries not to think about what it feels like to see his mother after so long. How he wishes, for a stomach-churning moment, that it was true - that she did care about him. That she could help.
But she'd never done that even when he was a child. She would cluck over him when he was sick, express concern over anything that might impact his health, watch him vigilantly, but his actual care was left to nursemaids - or Clive, when he could sneak in. Anabella wasn't the one wiping sweat from his fevered brow, or holding him when the pain of an aching cough kept him from sleep.
Her eyes widen in that same false concern. "Oh, but Joshua, I can call you my very own apothecary. You'll recover much more quickly under his care." She speaks as if Clive isn't even there, as if Joshua is the only one standing before her. And that's what Joshua wanted, it's true, but -
Clive is her son as well. Joshua wishes he were stronger, so he could be as angry as he wants to be.]
I will have no more 'help' from Sanbreque. Clive will care for me, as he always has.
[ Gold hair, pale blue eyes, the long bridge of a well-shaped nose. It's remarkable how little Anabella has changed from the last time they saw her at Rosalith Castle－ it's also remarkable how much of her traits Joshua has inherited, and yet how little he resembles her even after he's grown into his features. Even when his brother steels himself, his anger-tinged calm is nothing like their mother's porcelain dispassion.
That realization settles some of the nausea in Clive's gut. Joshua is so much more than what Anabella would have molded him to be; not a puppet for her to claim, nor a pretty thing she could dress in silks and parade like a trophy in her arms. He squares against her, imperious despite the pain Clive knows must still be ravaging his system, and Clive has never felt prouder to stand beside him.
Even if Anabella still treats Clive like the dirt beneath her slippers. The mention of her eldest child barely evokes a reaction: she moves swiftly on, only cowed by that cursed name for a heartbeat of a moment.
"If you'd been properly cared for, none of this would have happened in the first place."
A well-manicured hand reaches out to try to brush along Joshua's forearm. Again, still too prideful to cling to a son who doesn't seem to be warming to her presence yet, but insistent.
"Come, Joshua. I'll see to it that you receive the protection that you deserve. You might even prefer Oriflamme to Rosalith by the end of this all."
And oh, it clicks into place. Anabella's intentions, what she must want. It almost makes Clive see red－ the same shade that'd dominated his vision after Joshua collapsed in that dining room－ but he blinks it away as best as he can manage without letting it dissipate entirely. ]
Don't presume to tell Joshua how he might feel.
[ She hasn't the right. Clive's grip around Joshua's waist tightens, keeping him tucked and close; even so, their mother doesn't deign to spare Clive a glance.
"Sanbreque and Rosaria will be united in peace, soon. We must deepen bonds while we can." ]
[Instinctively, Joshua pulls back from her touch. The moment he realizes he's doing it, he tries to make it look more smooth, intentional, obscuring the truth - which is that he just flinched away from his own mother's touch.
He had wondered a little, after Phoenix Gate, what it might feel like to see her again. If she had tried to come back when he was young, still recovering, she might have been able to win him over. Joshua had loved her, after all, as any child loves their parent. Even if he didn't understand her, even if he didn't like the way she acted sometimes, he'd still loved her.
But that time is gone. It has been for years now. Joshua doesn't want to be near her, doesn't want her to touch him, doesn't want to hear her voice.]
Rosalith is my home, and this place - [His careful calm cracks just a little.] It is a haven for snakes.
[It's on the tip of his tongue: A fitting dwelling for you. Even now, Joshua wants to believe she had nothing to do with his poisoning. If she hopes to use him now, then it would make little sense for her to try to kill him - but for all he knows, this is an attempt to grasp some sort of victory after a failed plan. He doesn't know. He can't trust her.
Her lips thin, and he knows she noticed the flinch, just as she's probably noticed every move they make. But as she opens her mouth to say something else - something he's sure he doesn't want to hear - Joshua cuts her off.]
Clive is all the protection I need, and the only family I have. I wish you well, Mother, but we are nothing to one another anymore.
[He keeps the tremble from his voice, barely. It's not fear, exactly, nor quite anger - it's just emotion, too much of it, held back by such little strength. He want to shout at her, to tell her that Clive is her son too, he's right there, and she's acting like he's nothing. Treating him terribly, as she always has. And Clive is the only thing keeping Joshua upright, the only person Joshua can trust with all of himself.
If she knew what Clive really was to him, she would only take it as some sort of vindication. She would be horrified, would use it against them. But Joshua still wishes, with some petty part of himself, that he could throw it in her face. He leans against Clive instead, taking some strength from that.]
[ It breaks Clive, to hear Joshua's voice waver. For all that Clive has struggled with Anabella, it gives him no joy to see or think that whatever love Joshua had for her has been defiled and broken by her actions. Whatever unconditionality their mother had for Joshua, and whatever innocent affection Joshua felt for her, should have been sacrosanct; it burns Clive to think that this, too, is another thing that his brother has had to lose and restructure himself around.
(On his end－ is it a loss, if he never had it? He can set that agony aside, because a void is a void is a void.)
Unfair. Unjust. Clive's stomach knots at how Joshua flinches, and every instinct in his body screams that he should close the door and shield his brother from this, to keep his brother away from their mother's steel-forged scrutiny. ]
Joshua－ [ he starts, but Anabella doesn't let him finish. She cuts in, chin hiked in firm austerity but with a tremble that says that she can't believe this is happening to her. (Because that's how it's always been, hasn't it? That these things stumble onto her path, instead of her having been the direct cause.)
"He's poisoned you with these notions, Joshua. Him and your late father, always pulling you in the wrong direction. What is your life to them but a trophy to their precious people?"
Clive's eyes widen; his hand doesn't stray from Joshua's side, but he feels the fingers of his free one clenching inwards, so hard that the leather creaks.
"None of that need concern you anymore, my sweet child. You are the Phoenix. Let your soldiers guard their precious castle if they must－ you are entitled to sit on a throne more worthy of your station."
Again, Clive boggles. This time, when he cuts in, it's with far more vehemence than he would have allowed himself only seconds ago. ]
Enough. I'll not have my brother endure this any longer.
[Joshua doesn't know what to say to that. His anger stops his tongue - the idea that he means nothing to Clive but that.
He doesn't know about their father. He wishes he could believe otherwise, that Elwin truly loved him, but he'll never be sure. He was too young to know, really, and their father was burdened with every concern of the kingdom. Joshua knows what that feels like now, and understands how Elwin could be distant, could have been so even while loving his children. But he'll never know for certain.
But Clive's love, he doesn't doubt. Not after everything they've shared, the lines they've crossed. If he turned to Clive this very night and asked to run, to leave this place and never return, to build new lives away from Sanbreque and Rosaria and all their problems -
Joshua believes with all his heart that Clive would agree. To Clive, he was not born solely for Rosaria. He is more than that, he matters in his own right. Even Joshua doesn't feel that way sometimes, has a difficult time believing that his life matters beyond what he can give to his country. But Clive never has.
So when Anabella straightens, her eyes narrowing, and she finally looks at Clive - when she speaks to him finally, and all she says is Stay your tongue, beast, as if he's even less than nothing, as if he's not even human -
Joshua feels that incandescent anger that he didn't before. The confusion, the longing for something better is burned away in a moment. It was like this before, he remembers. She was sweet to him, perhaps overly so, but she would denigrate Clive before his eyes. She never cared that he was watching, or perhaps she wanted it that way - wanted him to see the way she treated his brother, in hopes that he would treat Clive similarly. When he begged kindness for Clive, when he asked for his brother's presence, it only angered her. He had no power, before.
He does now. He straightens as much as he can, to match her.]
My Lord Commander speaks with my voice. We are done here.
[He can't slam the door in her face - he doesn't have the strength - so he will have to leave that to Clive. But he ignores her immediate outburst, something about how Joshua belongs in Oriflamme. He doesn't care. He's torn between his own weakness and his anger, the sort of thing that could turn to wildfire.]
[ Of course Rosaria matters. Of course the legacy their father left for them matters. Of course it matters for Clive to know that the world they live in and the people that inhabit is are happier under their care and protection. But to imply that Clive would give Joshua to the wolves for the sake of the greater good is unthinkable, and the nausea that the accusation inspires in him becomes too much to bear.
He can't. The shape of their mother's glare and the sound of her voice feels like a thinning of his soul; Clive simply can't. ]
Tell the Emperor that His Grace will see him on the morrow.
[ A cruel dismissal, Clive knows, to make Anabella be the bearer of such ignoble news, but it's all Clive can offer before he closes the door against her shrill, corrosive rage. He can almost hear the sound of her feet stamping in indignance behind that barrier, but no part of him can bring himself to care about her feelings after her thorough attempts to injure Joshua's.
Heels turning on carpet, he swiftly attempts to lead his brother back towards the canopied bed, as far away from the residual dregs of their mother as he can manage. Her voice still reverberates in Clive's skull, and whether that's because she's still outside the room trying to implore to Joshua's remaining goodwill or because he can hear her like an echo in his mind, Clive can't tell.
It doesn't matter. His palms are steady against Joshua's hip, his back, and he keeps himself from gripping too hard in his own simmering anger. ]
This won't be the last we hear from her, [ he guesses, blue eyes cast back in the direction of the door. His features crumple into a frown, deep and stormy. ]
...Are you alright?
[ As they lower onto the mattress, bodies nested side by side. ]
[He's not all right. He feels shaky, sick to his stomach, and it would be easy to blame it on the poison - certainly, there's more than enough reason for that. But he knows that's not the only reason. To see her again, after all this time -
He didn't know what to expect, not really. His head knew it wouldn't be good. He knows she betrayed them, and he remembers how she treated Clive, and anyone else she didn't think was good enough. He knew that nothing Anabella wanted from him now would be something he would be willing to give. He knew that she would only seek him out if she wanted something, if she wanted to use him.
He knew all that. And yet, the last time he saw his mother, he was ten years old. He loved her. His heart still wished, until this meeting, that things could be different. That she could somehow magically become someone better. That she would love him, that she would care for Clive the way she always should have. It was impossible, Joshua never truly believed anything like that could happen.
But still, it hurts.]
I will be.
[He'll have to be. Clive is right. She isn't done with them, so he needs to put his pain and sadness away. He always knew it would be like this, if she showed her face before them again. He doesn't know why it hurts.
He presses close to Clive, weary in so many ways. What would he have done, if Clive wasn't there? Would he have crumbled? Or would he have lost his temper, truly, the way he wanted to? Joshua can't help but be deeply grateful he was there, even as he feels guilty for it. She was cruel to him, she has always been cruel to him. Clive should not have had to speak to her, should not even have had to see her. If Joshua were stronger, he could protect Clive better.]
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He should be thinking only of the politics of it all. Of what this means for Rosaria, for the peace treaty. And he is, but -
He loves Clive, an impossible feeling that, in this weakened state, almost makes Joshua want to cry.
His death would reverberate through Valisthea. He knows that - with Rosaria unstable, a war would have effects not only on their country but on the balance of power across the Twins. Plenty of people would care if he died, for better or for worse. But none of them care about him - they care about the Archduke of Rosaria, the Phoenix's Dominant. Joshua Rosfield is simply the person holding those positions currently.
Clive is the only person in the world, he thinks, who cares about him as more than that.
Joshua doesn't normally agonize over it, doesn't focus on what he lacks, but the truth is that he has no actual friends. He has a castle full of servants and knights and councilors, most of them older than him, none of them at all able to treat him as an equal. He doesn't get to put his burdens down and gossip with friends, share secrets, laugh over silly things. He always tries to be kind to those around him, and he thinks most of them like him well enough, but there will always be a distance there. He is their lord. They are his subjects.
Being able to speak to Dion as an equal, or nearly, was a relief. But even there Joshua must be guarded, must be careful what he says. Even if he trusts Dion as much as he can in their situation, Dion is Sanbreque's to his core, and can never truly be the sort of friend Joshua might wish for.
The only person he can let his guard down with is Clive. Only when they're alone, with no eyes on them, can he simply be Joshua. Clive is the only one who knows him like that, the only one who loves him as a person, as something besides his position. The only one who would truly miss him, if he were gone.]
I can't lose you. I can't - do this without you.
[That Clive wants vengeance for him should not make Joshua happy, but it does. A painful sort of joy, the knowledge that Clive truly loves him this much. But he can't risk Clive's life over something like that - never. And Sanbreque would love any chance to destroy Ifrit.]
They will not be forgiven. But we can use this.
[Of course they can. A failed assassination attempt means Rosaria can demand reparations. All the power is in Joshua's hands, for the moment - and he simply had to nearly die for it.]
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Still, all of it turns Clive's stomach. That Joshua has to barter his life for this, that Joshua has to accept his pain to turn it into collateral. As if it doesn't matter that he's a young man of barely over twenty who has spent his entire live being venerated instead of loved.
Joshua is human. He feels. And the more the world seeks to deprive his brother of that simplicity, the more Clive is inclined to dig his heels in and swat the white noise away.
So, finally: ] ...We can. And we will. [ That affirmation, before he cups his brother's face in both of his hands. ] But for now, we can set those things aside.
[ Again: Joshua is human. He deserves to be frightened, to want support, to ask for comfort. To need something from someone, and to have the freedom to reach out without judgment, for once. Clive gets up from where he'd been knelt on the floor to crane over his brother's still-limp form, bridging the gap between them to rub foreheads with agonizing care. ]
My brother. [ A low whisper, as Clive closes his eyes again. His breath shudders, and his lashes feel thick with tears again. ] I'll protect you. They won't dare separate me from you again.
[ (Unhealthy practices, made more unhealthy through calamity.) Clive thumbs along the corner of Joshua's mouth, wiping drying blood from his lips in the process. ]
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And he has always known that he has to seem strong. He has to seem like he embraces his role, like he doesn't wish for anything else, like he's never afraid.
But he is. He was terrified. It was only having Clive there that helped at all, only the knowledge that Clive would do anything he could, that Joshua was safe with him. That even if he did die, it wouldn't be because Clive had allowed it to happen.]
I don't - [He takes a breath, and it stutters, caught in his throat as he struggles not to cry.] I don't want you to leave my side again.
[It's all he can ask for, really. He can't demand that Clive keep him safe, because how is Clive meant to protect him from something like this? But if Clive is there, he can be a little stronger. It's the best comfort he could have, the only one. When Clive is near, when it's only the two of them, Joshua can let down his guard. He can let Clive support him, and that will give him the strength to continue even when he's terrified.
He shouldn't, he knows. He asks so much of Clive already, Clive gives him so much. Gives him everything. To ask for this too, to ask Clive to support him when he's weak and frightened, is wrong. Joshua is meant to be the one leading, is meant to be strong enough to never waver.
But he reaches for Clive, fingers clutching at the sleeve of his shirt, wanting simply to touch him. To be held, for just a moment. To remember that he is alive.]
You are the reason I'm still breathing.
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"I don't want" is rarer out of Joshua's mouth than "I want". It breaks Clive's heart, but the rest of it eases some of that ache. ]
As are you. My reason for breathing.
[ His weight depresses the mattress as he slinks onto the bed, still fully-dressed; he wraps his arms around Joshua, pulling him up against his chest to support his weight, enveloping him in warmth and humming aether. Ifrit stirs under his skin, recognizing the Phoenix. ]
I'll remain ever by your side. ...For however long we need to remain in this nest of vipers.
[ He's fairly certain that Sylvestre Lesage will balk at the thought of Ifrit being in audience for official proceedings, but Clive has little to no regard for the Sanbrequians' comfort anymore. He would sooner kill the entirety of this castle than allow any of them to even breathe in his brother's direction, but he will also never allow anyone to call Joshua a failure― if brokering peace is what they must do, he will be the picture of docility by his brother's side. Clive Rosfield will not be the thing that tarnishes Joshua Rosfield's reputation.
Gentle fingers comb through gold hair, wiping sweat off a fevered brow. ]
The only one here is you and me.
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Joshua can hear Clive's heartbeat. He could before, too, held in his arms, when Joshua didn't know if he would live at all. When he thought dying there, so close to the one he loves most in the world, might be all that he could ask for.
Living is better. He can feel Clive's warmth, Ifrit's flames. After Phoenix Gate, Joshua wondered if their eikons might view each other as enemies - if that was something they even could feel. But he no longer thinks that's possible. If anything, they call to each other. There's a connection, perhaps, something deeper than anyone knew. Maybe that's why he's never been afraid of Ifrit, even after everything.]
I wish that we could run away.
[He should never say these things. He knows that, he knows it, and normally he wouldn't. Normally Joshua would have the strength to keep them locked away, keep them as the idle fancies they are. They can never be anything more, after all, and no one can ever hear him say them. Even Clive shouldn't.
But Joshua is only barely holding himself together. It's sinking in now, as he recovers the ability to think clearly. He's realizing, truly, just how close to death he was. How easily it could have happened - if the Phoenix were a little less invested in his survival. If the poison had been a little stronger, or if he'd eaten more, instead of picking carefully at the overly-rich meal he'd been served. If Clive had been slower, or hadn't ensured they had antidotes on this trip.]
Somewhere far from here. Somewhere - somewhere safe.
[From this, from everything. Somewhere he could sleep in Clive's arms every night and never have to fear being found out. He knows it's impossible. But for once, he's too weak to keep from wishing for something impossible.]
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It terrifies Clive. Sometimes, it feels as if the world brought them together only to have them be torn apart in one way or another: politics, propriety, powerlessness. He's wracked his brain for ways to save Joshua, for his brother to inhabit this world in a way that would be gentler to him, that would be more tolerable, but that future slips further and further away with each passing year.
And so, when Joshua mentions running away― well. Clive's hold tightens around him, his breath knotted in the back of his throat. ]
...Should this world ever forsake you, [ he murmurs, knowing just as much that he shouldn't, shouldn't say any of this, ] should this world and its people ever turn its back on you―
―I would take you away.
[ "Do your duty." "Protect father". Clive has already spoken these words once to Joshua, on the night that he nearly tore him in two; never again. Never again. ]
Away from the Twins, away from anyone who would know who we were. I would, Joshua.
[ A sin, spoken into existence. Effectively ruining all of Clive's years spent trying to protect his brother from himself; what a failure of a Shield he is, to promise his brother the abdication of both of their duties. He's wicked, selfish, weak. But he also loves Joshua more than anything, more than the world and the people in it. ]
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If they fled from all of this, ran to somewhere no one knew them, they could do anything. Travel, if they wanted. Joshua has always wished he could see more of the world, learn what he could. Books are one thing, but he knows there's so much more out there. But even that, he wouldn't really need. Just somewhere safe with Clive. They could both have time to discover what they might like to do without the demands of their blood, their destinies. They could be together.
They don't look that similar. Joshua takes after Anabella's finer features and paler coloring, while Clive has their father's dark hair and warrior's build. There are similarities, if one looks close, but no one would easily guess that they were brothers. And if no one knew, then Joshua could simply be with him. Could hold his hand, and share his bed, and love him properly, the way he deserves.
He wishes he could cling to the fantasy.]
I would go anywhere with you. [It's barely more than a whisper. He's already said more than he should have. These thoughts are indulgences he isn't meant to entertain, not even for these few moments.] Somewhere quiet, where no one needs me, no one fears you. Where you don't have to spend your life fighting.
[His own grip on Clive tightens. He can't say the rest, though he thinks of it. Somewhere he could pledge himself to Clive, the way he wishes for. Joshua will never marry anyone else, no matter how the nobles of Rosaria might hate him for it - but he'll never be able to marry Clive, either. It's his most impossible fantasy, tying Clive to himself in that way.
It's all only a dream. He knows his duty, and he won't forsake it.]
I only want peace, for both of us. [A breath, one that's not so hard fought for, but still stings.] I will - fight for it here. I will.
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And so, they have to grit their teeth and bear it. Eke out whatever happiness they can find between the long stretches of strife. Keep a white-knuckled hold on the moments of privacy that are afforded to them, and look forward to the next.
This, though, is different. They're here, just the two of them, but under circumstances that make Clive want to scream, still. His rage is still in the room with them, an invisible force that paces back and forth like a restless creature, ready to bare teeth. ]
...If you'll fight, so will I. We'll face our enemies together, as we've always done.
[ Even when Joshua isn't physically present on the frontlines. Clive's banner has always been under his brother's name, blasphemous as that is to the Phoenix. ]
The Sanbrequians have erred. They've shown themselves to be weak― afraid of our united front. [ Fingers sift over Joshua's forehead, pushing his bangs away from his eyes. ] We'll show them exactly what they should fear.
[ Clive, storm-eyed and sharp, ever-vigilant beside the poised grace of Rosaria's Archduke. It'll be the roles they have to play, but if theater is what it takes for the two of them to be together, then Clive will endure. There's no happiness possible for him without Joshua. ]
And we'll find our peace. As best we can.
[ He folds forward, lips landing on the crown of Joshua's head. Breathing him in, grip a little tight around his brother's shoulders. ]
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It's as impossible as the rest of Joshua's fantasies, but he hopes that one day he might be able to build something similar, at least. Something that allows his Lord Commander to stop shouldering the burdens of their whole country. Something that, selfishly, gives him more of Clive's time.
If he's strong enough, if they play things right, he can lay the first brick here.]
They'll be even more frightened with you at my side.
[He rests his head against Clive's shoulder, weary still. Joshua doesn't know how long this will take to heal from, but he doesn't have time to waste. If he must take a chair to the negotiations with the emperor, he'll do so - all the more reason to have Clive there as his attendant.
His anger, too, is an odd comfort. Joshua has a right to be angry as well, he knows, but he must always temper it. He can hate Sanbreque, can distrust each and every one of them, but he has to treat them carefully. If not with kindness - he's not certain he can summon that, feeling the way he does - then with neutrality. But Clive can be angry, in a way that Joshua doesn't feel he's allowed. The Sanbrequians already fear him for what he is. This will only make them fear him more, and now Joshua thinks they deserve it.
So long as they do nothing to harm him. That, Joshua would not forgive.
Which reminds him.]
Clive... you should not have been so careless. You could have poisoned yourself.
[He can't muster the energy for a proper scolding, but he isn't going to let it go without saying something. Clive saved his life, but what would Joshua have done if it had taken Clive's in the process?]
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The problem, now, is seeing their current predicament through to the end. It must be the case that the entirety of Whitewyrm is buzzing with talk of Joshua's sudden "bout of sickness", as they'll choose to spin it－ Clive has no idea how Dion has been dealing with the aftermath, or if he has, in fact, done them the kindness (or, at the very least, the due diligence) of investigating the matter further. He wants to believe that Dion has, and that Dion has raised the issue to those that will bring the treachery to light; if not, all talk of peace would be over before it began.
He can also only wonder if Sylvestre Lesage has been informed of this. Would he have been the one who'd masterminded the entire thing? His astrologers? The war council?
(A certain woman wearing the skin of their mother comes to mind; Clive pushes the thought away before it can take root.)
The furious churn of his mind only halts when he registers the chiding. For a moment, Clive looks entirely like someone who has no idea what he could be being scolded for, then shakes his head in light protest. ]
It was the only way. You were in pain, and our supplies were limited.
[ A blunt laying-out of his priorities: Joshua's life is far dearer than his own. ]
I could fetch you a potion, as well. [ A kiss to Joshua's temple, easily brushing aside the matter of his own wellbeing. Nothing his brother need concern himself with. ]
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He's never been that to Joshua. He sits up a little - though it takes more effort than he might like - and touches his fingers to Clive's jaw, gently ensuring that Clive looks at him. Perhaps that will make it harder to brush off Joshua's words.]
If you had saved me at the cost of your life, it would not have been a trade I was willing to make.
[He didn't - Clive seems fine, and likely didn't get more than a drop or two of poison when his lips were on Joshua's - and that's the only reason Joshua isn't more angry.
(Well, not the only reason. He doesn't have the energy for it, really. But he'd find it somewhere, if he needed it.)
But Clive was hurt protecting him so recently, and who knows how many times before that when he was on the borders, times Joshua never found out about. Clive is the strongest person he knows, the best swordsman, but even he can be unlucky. That is the sort of thing Joshua has nightmares about. His brother hurt, lost, somewhere Joshua can't help him. Clive falling, and Joshua not finding out until days later.]
Fetch me a potion, and one for yourself. I'll only be able to rest properly if I know you're safe.
[And if Clive had eaten that food - if Clive had been the one poisoned - would Joshua have been able to save him? He doesn't know. He would have burned himself out trying, he thinks.]
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It's not that he wants to die－ he'd never want to leave Joshua to face this world alone－ but the truth remains that the scales will always tip in Joshua's favor when it comes to who to save between the two of them. ]
...My life is yours. I'll do my utmost not to be careless.
[ With a slight bow of his head in contrition, to show that he means it. As little as his own life might be worth in the grand scheme of things (he knows what the Undying think of him, how they would have put a knife between his ribs if not for Joshua's intervention), there's no point in wasting it prematurely.
His pulse feels too fast under his skin. Every cell in his body screams in protest as he peels himself away, as if leaving for even a moment will cause his brother's condition to worsen again, but he swallows that anxiety down and slides off the bed to go find his potions in the wreckage of their travel pack.
They probably do need to speak to someone about extending their stay for the sake of Joshua's health, though it burns Clive to think of asking the Sanbrequians for anything. He's already made it clear that he doesn't want anyone disturbing their peace for the rest of the day, but Sylvestre Lesage might push back regardless, and the thought of that rankles, too. ]
You needn't worry about anything but recovering, Joshua. I'll handle the rest for today.
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If your life is mine, treasure it the way I do.
[He knows there's only so much that Clive will listen to. And there's so much that Rosaria demands of him, too. It's a fruitless battle, because Clive will always put himself between Joshua and danger, even if it means his life. Joshua loves him for it, loves that it is not only duty that drives him to it but the bone-deep bonds they share, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fear the results of it.
But he lets it rest at that. He watches Clive instead, already missing his warmth, his solid presence. When Joshua was younger and sick all the time, Clive would sneak in sometimes, and his quiet appearance always lifted Joshua's spirits. He might be feeling awful - as he is now - but having Clive nearby never failed to soothe him. It's no different now, except that he is older, the Archduke, meant to need no one but himself. To stand alone.
He doesn't want to. Not if it means parting from Clive.]
I hate to leave it all on your shoulders. I fear they'll treat you poorly.
[If Joshua had his way, he would be up and about immediately. He'd be demanding the Sanbrequians find his attempted assassin, and pressing Sylvestre Lesage to make far more concessions in the treaty than he ever expected. In truth, Joshua doesn't really care who did it - he's sure whoever gets the blame will only be a convenient villain, and not the true mind behind it. But there must be some sort of justice.
It doesn't matter how much he wants to do those things, though - he simply can't. The pain has mostly subsided, though his throat still feels raw and he expects his stomach will revolt against food for a bit. The potion will help. But it won't restore his energy, it won't immediately heal the damage that poison did. He'll need time for that, and until then Joshua can hardly sit up, much less stride around demanding things.
He wants to do his duty, and make the peace that they need. He wants to crawl under his bedcovers with Clive, and tell the rest of the world to take care of itself for awhile, curl close to his brother and sleep safely next to him. He's not sure he can really have either of those things.]
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Not as poorly as they've treated you.
[ They could chase Clive with cudgels in hand, and it would still pale in comparison to the level of abject deceit and violence that Joshua suffered today. And truly, from the bottom of Clive's heart, he couldn't care less about being reviled; he doesn't wish for the approval of people who would have let his brother die, and the only affection he'll ever seek is from Joshua.
Bottles clink in his hand as he brings them over to the bed again. One is more potent than the other, and it's the one he hands to Joshua as he sidles into that safe space, only debating for a moment whether it would be prudent to do mouth-to-mouth again before deciding that his brother has chided him enough. He ought not to give Joshua more reasons to worry. ]
...I won't leave you in this state. I'll speak to whoever comes to the door in your stead.
[ Because, despite his warning to the first man who came knocking, he's sure that someone higher on the food chain will try to coax at least one of the Rosfields out of hiding.
(Like a certain wicked woman, who would perhaps like to keep her Eikons close to her. Bahamut and the Phoenix, corralled in her castle like toys in a toybox. She can hand Ifrit to the Rosarians as a gesture of goodwill－ she wouldn't want that one nearby, anyway. He looks too much like her beloathed previous husband.
She is, in fact, winding her way through the halls, waving aside attendants as if she has any authority left. Exile hasn't been kind to her, but she is, if nothing else, ambitious.) ]
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And it does help. Not as much as he might like, he'll still need to rest and heal for longer than he'd like, but it's something. It settles his stomach, healing some of the worst of the damage. He watches Clive drink his potion, too, reassured by the sight. It's only when they've both finished that he lays his head against Clive's shoulder.]
I expect we'll have visitors before long.
[A representative of the emperor, perhaps, with the first of many apologies. Or Dion, checking to see whether he actually survived. Joshua is too weary to think of all the possibilities. He'll have to take them as they come - or rather, allow Clive to handle them. He doesn't mind that. Joshua thinks that Clive is far more capable than he believes himself to be in this area.
But he intends to listen closely anyway, in case they treat him with disrespect. He hears the way they speak of Clive: with fear, with disgust. It makes him angry, but in a way, it makes him proud, too. They should fear Clive. But even if Joshua feels that way, he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't know what he'll do if he does - it's not as if he has the strength to rise from the bed and shout at them. He can hardly even raise his voice.
He'll be there, though. He won't make Clive face this alone.]
Whatever decisions you make, know that I will stand by them. What power I have is yours.
[And there is a sharp rap upon the door just then. Joshua sighs softly. He is not quite ready to give up Clive's warmth, but he knows they must face this.]
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－and it takes the form of a familiar voice, muffled but unmistakable through the thick wood of the door that separates their peace from the rest of Sanbreque.
"Joshua? Oh, Joshua, I came as soon as I heard－"
Clive's blood turns to ice. There's no part of him that fears Anabella (previously Rosfield), ten years displaced from her betrayal at Phoenix's Gate, but the unchanged cadence of her words still makes the fifteen year old in him grit his teeth and sit up ramrod-straight, vigilance hammered into him from more than a decade of watching her moods.
Strangely, he feels less hate for her than he knows he should. In its place is a void that of Anabella's own leaving, an absence that she carved into the space where he should have known a mother's love.
He glances towards Joshua, his own countenance slightly paler now as the presence behind that barrier asserts itself with more insistence. ]
...Nothing good will come of this, [ he murmurs. His throat feels tight, but he also feels miles away from the cradle of his own body; like he's watching himself from the opposite end of the room. ]
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He knew that their mother was somewhere in Sanbreque. She could not return to Rosaria after her betrayal, not without facing the fate of a traitor, but even though her plot failed Joshua was certain she'd find some sort of safety here. She's too clever to do anything else. But he had made no effort to find out where, exactly, she'd gone. No effort to find her at all.
Joshua had loved his mother. He'd been too young to do anything else, really, too young to understand her cruelty towards Clive, her overprotectiveness towards him. Far too young to understand the kind of person Anabella had always been. But he had never been happy with how she treated Clive, he'd never quite worshiped her the way she might have wanted. His heart did not break when she betrayed them, because even so young he'd known on some level what she really was.
And he never wanted to see her again.
He doesn't want to see her now. But he wants Clive to see her even less - Clive, who she treated like nothing, Clive who deserved so much better. She will be cruel to him. If Joshua were well, he would not hesitate to put himself between them. He would ensure she spoke only to him. The look on Clive's face is enough to make him certain of that.
He isn't even sure he can stand. But he has to try.]
Help me to the door. [Softly, to Clive.] If I lean against the wall, it will be all right.
[And then, louder, though it's an effort:] You did not need to do that, Mother. I'll be fine. [An attempt to send her away, though he knows it's not likely to work.]
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All Clive cared to know was that she was alive. Nothing else. As far as he'd been concerned, their paths would never cross again. Naïve of him, he knows now. Their mother would never willingly ignore an opportunity presented to her.
Like now. Clive hears how her voice soars in delight when Joshua calls her mother; she's far too proud to use her hands to pound against the door, but the words that bounce against that physical barrier serves the same purpose.
"Oh Joshua－ my darling, darling boy. Whatever happened, I can protect you from it. You know I've only ever wanted the best for you."
It hurts Clive's head to hear. Anger and distress push up against his skull, makes him taste the same anxiety-bile that'd welled up in the back of his throat whenever he'd felt Anabella's cold impassivity slide over him as a child. So many years later, and he can still remember curling up on the dirt-streaked floor of an abandoned rookery, fighting off the mental image of that look on his mother's face. ]
Joshua, [ he tries to protest. Again, there's nothing good that will come of his brother seeing Anabella in his current state. But Clive also sees that certainty on Joshua's face, and he cedes the point. ]
...If she makes you feel ill, I'll take over.
[ A low sigh later, his arms gently curl around his brother's pain-limp body and carry him gently up and out of bed. They remain looped around his shoulders, his waist, bolstering him through their journey towards the door, where Anabella is still chattering about how only she has the authority to make all of Joshua's anxieties go away. Even if there was any truth to that, Clive doesn't want to accept it.
Blue eyes flick towards Joshua, a silent ready?. A foolish question: neither of them would ever have been prepared for this reunion, and that becomes evident as Clive turns the doorknob and gets metaphorically kicked in the gut by the familiar face that looks back at them from the hallway, completely unchanged despite the decade of separation.
As expected, said familiar face turns sour at the realization that Clive is present; it turns sickly sweet with concern when her focus slips to Joshua. "Oh Founder, Joshua, look at you! My poor, sweet child!" ]
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Joshua knows Anabella won't go quietly, in that case.
He thought he might be able to hold himself up by leaning against the wall, and let Clive avoid facing their mother entirely - but he hasn't the strength. He needs Clive there, needs his steady presence. But he sees the way Anabella's gaze sours and dismisses him, and Joshua feels -
Angry.
He never really did when he was young. He felt confused, mostly, and sad, not understanding why she didn't love Clive the way he did. Joshua is older now, and he understands it even less, but he's not confused anymore. He's angry at the way she treats Clive, at the way Clive has always deserved so much better.]
I will be quite well with some rest. [He keeps his voice steady, coolly polite. As if they're nearly strangers.] You should not have come.
[He wants to send her away, as quickly as possible. Joshua knows it won't be easy - knows she wants something. He tries not to think about what it feels like to see his mother after so long. How he wishes, for a stomach-churning moment, that it was true - that she did care about him. That she could help.
But she'd never done that even when he was a child. She would cluck over him when he was sick, express concern over anything that might impact his health, watch him vigilantly, but his actual care was left to nursemaids - or Clive, when he could sneak in. Anabella wasn't the one wiping sweat from his fevered brow, or holding him when the pain of an aching cough kept him from sleep.
Her eyes widen in that same false concern. "Oh, but Joshua, I can call you my very own apothecary. You'll recover much more quickly under his care." She speaks as if Clive isn't even there, as if Joshua is the only one standing before her. And that's what Joshua wanted, it's true, but -
Clive is her son as well. Joshua wishes he were stronger, so he could be as angry as he wants to be.]
I will have no more 'help' from Sanbreque. Clive will care for me, as he always has.
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That realization settles some of the nausea in Clive's gut. Joshua is so much more than what Anabella would have molded him to be; not a puppet for her to claim, nor a pretty thing she could dress in silks and parade like a trophy in her arms. He squares against her, imperious despite the pain Clive knows must still be ravaging his system, and Clive has never felt prouder to stand beside him.
Even if Anabella still treats Clive like the dirt beneath her slippers. The mention of her eldest child barely evokes a reaction: she moves swiftly on, only cowed by that cursed name for a heartbeat of a moment.
"If you'd been properly cared for, none of this would have happened in the first place."
A well-manicured hand reaches out to try to brush along Joshua's forearm. Again, still too prideful to cling to a son who doesn't seem to be warming to her presence yet, but insistent.
"Come, Joshua. I'll see to it that you receive the protection that you deserve. You might even prefer Oriflamme to Rosalith by the end of this all."
And oh, it clicks into place. Anabella's intentions, what she must want. It almost makes Clive see red－ the same shade that'd dominated his vision after Joshua collapsed in that dining room－ but he blinks it away as best as he can manage without letting it dissipate entirely. ]
Don't presume to tell Joshua how he might feel.
[ She hasn't the right. Clive's grip around Joshua's waist tightens, keeping him tucked and close; even so, their mother doesn't deign to spare Clive a glance.
"Sanbreque and Rosaria will be united in peace, soon. We must deepen bonds while we can." ]
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He had wondered a little, after Phoenix Gate, what it might feel like to see her again. If she had tried to come back when he was young, still recovering, she might have been able to win him over. Joshua had loved her, after all, as any child loves their parent. Even if he didn't understand her, even if he didn't like the way she acted sometimes, he'd still loved her.
But that time is gone. It has been for years now. Joshua doesn't want to be near her, doesn't want her to touch him, doesn't want to hear her voice.]
Rosalith is my home, and this place - [His careful calm cracks just a little.] It is a haven for snakes.
[It's on the tip of his tongue: A fitting dwelling for you. Even now, Joshua wants to believe she had nothing to do with his poisoning. If she hopes to use him now, then it would make little sense for her to try to kill him - but for all he knows, this is an attempt to grasp some sort of victory after a failed plan. He doesn't know. He can't trust her.
Her lips thin, and he knows she noticed the flinch, just as she's probably noticed every move they make. But as she opens her mouth to say something else - something he's sure he doesn't want to hear - Joshua cuts her off.]
Clive is all the protection I need, and the only family I have. I wish you well, Mother, but we are nothing to one another anymore.
[He keeps the tremble from his voice, barely. It's not fear, exactly, nor quite anger - it's just emotion, too much of it, held back by such little strength. He want to shout at her, to tell her that Clive is her son too, he's right there, and she's acting like he's nothing. Treating him terribly, as she always has. And Clive is the only thing keeping Joshua upright, the only person Joshua can trust with all of himself.
If she knew what Clive really was to him, she would only take it as some sort of vindication. She would be horrified, would use it against them. But Joshua still wishes, with some petty part of himself, that he could throw it in her face. He leans against Clive instead, taking some strength from that.]
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(On his end－ is it a loss, if he never had it? He can set that agony aside, because a void is a void is a void.)
Unfair. Unjust. Clive's stomach knots at how Joshua flinches, and every instinct in his body screams that he should close the door and shield his brother from this, to keep his brother away from their mother's steel-forged scrutiny. ]
Joshua－ [ he starts, but Anabella doesn't let him finish. She cuts in, chin hiked in firm austerity but with a tremble that says that she can't believe this is happening to her. (Because that's how it's always been, hasn't it? That these things stumble onto her path, instead of her having been the direct cause.)
"He's poisoned you with these notions, Joshua. Him and your late father, always pulling you in the wrong direction. What is your life to them but a trophy to their precious people?"
Clive's eyes widen; his hand doesn't stray from Joshua's side, but he feels the fingers of his free one clenching inwards, so hard that the leather creaks.
"None of that need concern you anymore, my sweet child. You are the Phoenix. Let your soldiers guard their precious castle if they must－ you are entitled to sit on a throne more worthy of your station."
Again, Clive boggles. This time, when he cuts in, it's with far more vehemence than he would have allowed himself only seconds ago. ]
Enough. I'll not have my brother endure this any longer.
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He doesn't know about their father. He wishes he could believe otherwise, that Elwin truly loved him, but he'll never be sure. He was too young to know, really, and their father was burdened with every concern of the kingdom. Joshua knows what that feels like now, and understands how Elwin could be distant, could have been so even while loving his children. But he'll never know for certain.
But Clive's love, he doesn't doubt. Not after everything they've shared, the lines they've crossed. If he turned to Clive this very night and asked to run, to leave this place and never return, to build new lives away from Sanbreque and Rosaria and all their problems -
Joshua believes with all his heart that Clive would agree. To Clive, he was not born solely for Rosaria. He is more than that, he matters in his own right. Even Joshua doesn't feel that way sometimes, has a difficult time believing that his life matters beyond what he can give to his country. But Clive never has.
So when Anabella straightens, her eyes narrowing, and she finally looks at Clive - when she speaks to him finally, and all she says is Stay your tongue, beast, as if he's even less than nothing, as if he's not even human -
Joshua feels that incandescent anger that he didn't before. The confusion, the longing for something better is burned away in a moment. It was like this before, he remembers. She was sweet to him, perhaps overly so, but she would denigrate Clive before his eyes. She never cared that he was watching, or perhaps she wanted it that way - wanted him to see the way she treated his brother, in hopes that he would treat Clive similarly. When he begged kindness for Clive, when he asked for his brother's presence, it only angered her. He had no power, before.
He does now. He straightens as much as he can, to match her.]
My Lord Commander speaks with my voice. We are done here.
[He can't slam the door in her face - he doesn't have the strength - so he will have to leave that to Clive. But he ignores her immediate outburst, something about how Joshua belongs in Oriflamme. He doesn't care. He's torn between his own weakness and his anger, the sort of thing that could turn to wildfire.]
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He can't. The shape of their mother's glare and the sound of her voice feels like a thinning of his soul; Clive simply can't. ]
Tell the Emperor that His Grace will see him on the morrow.
[ A cruel dismissal, Clive knows, to make Anabella be the bearer of such ignoble news, but it's all Clive can offer before he closes the door against her shrill, corrosive rage. He can almost hear the sound of her feet stamping in indignance behind that barrier, but no part of him can bring himself to care about her feelings after her thorough attempts to injure Joshua's.
Heels turning on carpet, he swiftly attempts to lead his brother back towards the canopied bed, as far away from the residual dregs of their mother as he can manage. Her voice still reverberates in Clive's skull, and whether that's because she's still outside the room trying to implore to Joshua's remaining goodwill or because he can hear her like an echo in his mind, Clive can't tell.
It doesn't matter. His palms are steady against Joshua's hip, his back, and he keeps himself from gripping too hard in his own simmering anger. ]
This won't be the last we hear from her, [ he guesses, blue eyes cast back in the direction of the door. His features crumple into a frown, deep and stormy. ]
...Are you alright?
[ As they lower onto the mattress, bodies nested side by side. ]
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He didn't know what to expect, not really. His head knew it wouldn't be good. He knows she betrayed them, and he remembers how she treated Clive, and anyone else she didn't think was good enough. He knew that nothing Anabella wanted from him now would be something he would be willing to give. He knew that she would only seek him out if she wanted something, if she wanted to use him.
He knew all that. And yet, the last time he saw his mother, he was ten years old. He loved her. His heart still wished, until this meeting, that things could be different. That she could somehow magically become someone better. That she would love him, that she would care for Clive the way she always should have. It was impossible, Joshua never truly believed anything like that could happen.
But still, it hurts.]
I will be.
[He'll have to be. Clive is right. She isn't done with them, so he needs to put his pain and sadness away. He always knew it would be like this, if she showed her face before them again. He doesn't know why it hurts.
He presses close to Clive, weary in so many ways. What would he have done, if Clive wasn't there? Would he have crumbled? Or would he have lost his temper, truly, the way he wanted to? Joshua can't help but be deeply grateful he was there, even as he feels guilty for it. She was cruel to him, she has always been cruel to him. Clive should not have had to speak to her, should not even have had to see her. If Joshua were stronger, he could protect Clive better.]
I'm sorry. For all of it. Are you alright?
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DRAGS MY CORPSE OUT OF HOLIDAY HELL...!!!
omg welcome back! I'm glad you survived
cursed november-december... it will never take me alive
༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ sending energy ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
i owe you my LIFE!!!!
♥♥♥!
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