[Verso's skin breaks and his thoughts explode. If this escalates further, he'll need to take action. But what action? Leaving Clive alone is still out of the question. Sitting by and hoping that gentle touches and soothing words will be enough to keep the beast at bay is becoming less viable a prospect as well, reopening the possibility that he'll have to hurt Clive to end this. And as awful as that feels, Verso understands that causing him physical pain would, in the end, probably cause the least amount of harm.
Fortunately, teeth soon make way for tongue, then breath, then breeze as Clive turns away to dry heave into the sand. Verso shifts position so that he's leaning over his back, rubbing along his arm until the retching stops. Once it does, a not insignificant part of himself wants to move again so that he's in front of Clive, but with how he seems solely capable of looking away, Verso decides better of it for now, opting to stay in place instead.]
There's nothing to forgive, my friend.
[Thank you for listening, he thinks to say. But guilt and gratitude mix hideously together, and his own mind's inclination towards spawning a litany of buts in response to most expressions of thanks keeps it quiet. Besides, he doesn't actually know how in the clear they are. The flames and the claws may be gone, but what triggered the transformation could still be near. Parts of the beast could still have a grasp on Clive's consciousness. He needs to know more.]
What happened?
[Calm, soft, caring. Unbothered even as his fingers ache and he can feel rivulets of blood run down his neck and he can feel the rise and fall of Clive's complicated breaths and wishes he could just pull him up into his arms and hold him and tell him he's safe.
He promised that he'd try to be honest, though, so.]
[ The entire ordeal requires forgiving, Clive thinks. There's still a dent in the sand where the creature threw Verso onto his back; turn his head, and Clive can see burnt-off leather and the raw skin of Verso's palm. He struggles with the thought of the pain he's inflicted, and the pain he might yet inflict if he remains unchecked.
Good thing Verso is way ahead of him, on that front. Asking him that the fuck happened is better than festering over what he did, which is far less obscure.
So: ] I... thought I felt your father's chroma. [ Clamping down on his kneejerk instinct to pull Verso close and inspect each and every one of his wounds, because that can wait until he fucking explains himself. ] The creature in me seems to respond to it― whether it be because it remembers the danger he posed to you, or...
[ He shifts in sand, finally flicking blue eyes back up towards Verso's face, though with reluctance. Pain flits across his expression again when he sees the aftermath of what he's done. ]
...Because it senses that your father is powerful. [ More struggling, before he appends: ] Like you.
[ Like tossing his own words back at Verso: made wrong. Clive doesn't think it of Verso at all－ everything about Verso has been a balm to an otherwise horrendous twist of fate－ but the things that compose him are, undoubtedly, different. Immortal, everlasting, resilient. Something the monster in him responds to, is starved for.
His breathing evens out, but his eyes remain misty. Angry and humbled and confused. ]
[It takes Verso a moment to piece together his thoughts – a moment he spends slowly stroking a knuckle down Clive's scarred cheek. There's a part of him that's simply exhausted by the thought of yet another being obsessively drawn to the very nature of his existence. His neck throbs and he calls to mind the nuzzling that preceded the bite, the long and drawn out presence of those teeth in his flesh, they way they spoke of something different than what the other Nevrons are capable of expressing. Add to that the possibility that his father may be stalking after him, similarly driven to stake a different claim, and Verso feels like more of a mess than usual.
An impulse rises to apologise to Clive – he's sorry for getting him into this mess – but this isn't about him or his guilt or his constant existential dread, so he shakes his head and softly smiles.]
They're both out of luck. You already have me, so... Like I said, we'll get you back in control.
[It's a good sign, at least, that Clive seems to be able to understand the beast. That'll give them a baseline to work from once things have settled down a bit and his head is clearer and less likely to be overtaken. Verso lets out a breath, relaxing a little. He lifts a hand to push Clive's hair behind his ears. It doesn't stay and Verso's smile grows a little bit brighter before his expression shifts serious.]
But first, we need to get you away from here. Can you still sense Renoir?
[ Another cog in this unrelenting machine. How healthy is it for Verso to become attached to a thing most likely created to unmake the natural order of the Paintress's world? Clive thinks of it, and thinks of how unnerving it must be for Verso to realize that there is no such thing as chance for him－ that everything that happens in this grand, complicated narrative is centered around his existence ("I am the son").
Still, Clive wants it so badly: for Verso to live on his own terms. For their circumstances to be something they've written themselves, instead of having been ordained.
It's the only reason why he can continue to look at Verso, and to tilt into the cradle of his palm. Retreating would be defeat. It would be succumbing to whatever is expected of him as a weapon, and Clive refuses to be one, no matter how much his mistakes and sins shame him. ]
―No. [ He finally says about Renoir, after closing his eyes and turning his concentration (mercifully) outwards. The only thing in the air is the distant mountain breeze, cooled by ice and snow. ] Just you.
[ Eyes open again, and flick towards the fingers in his hair. ] ―Verso. Your hand.
[ They need to get out of here, and they need to tend to Verso's wounds. Clive struggles up onto his feet, trying to survey the extent of the damage done. ]
[Verso pulls his hand away once he catches Clive looking at it. It's fine, he wants to say but it's obviously not. The burn is deep enough in places that it's white; elsewhere, it's red and an angry brown that veers black. Telling Clive that he can manage would be more honest, but still not the whole truth of the matter. Verso doesn't withdraw as a matter of concealment, but rather of priority.]
My hand can wait. I'm more worried about you.
[Somehow, the beast's flames don't seem to effect Clive, but the way he carries himself suggests that he's still in some manner of pain. Verso imagines he must be thirsty, too, though he also wonders if he can keep anything down right now, given how much his stomach must surely be roiling. None of which is to mention the mental exhaustion he must be feeling, and the confusion, and the fear and what's a burn in comparison to that? What does it matter that he's walking away with a couple battle wounds when the kinds of injuries Clive's sustained go far, far deeper?
Regardless, nothing's going to get settled here on the beach. Verso rises to his feet shortly after Clive does, barely hiding a grimace as his back cries out in anger. For once, he doesn't broadly gesture ahead, instead placing his unburned hand on the back of Clive's shoulder as they make their way towards the cave.]
Where does it hurt?
[Everywhere, he imagines, but of course he has no frame of reference. He almost wishes he did; nobody deserves to be alone in what they are. He understands the pain of that better than anyone.]
[ The hand can't wait. The rest of Verso can't wait, either. Clive has Cid to thank for his reintegration into society as a functioning adult, but the consequences of his upbringing and subsequent abandonment are clear in how he handles situations where he has to accept being the priority.
Namely: he doesn't. Especially not now, when he sees how Verso hides that injured hand and winces on his way back to vertical, trying to spare Clive the guilt of something caused directly and unequivocally by him.
So. He stops mid-step, then ducks under the arm Verso is using to brace him. Quick, for a man whose entire body aches with the unnatural experience of rapid transformation. He Uno Reverse Cards their positions from there, looping a careful arm around Verso's lower back before sweeping the other under his knees.
A beat to steady the both of them is all the warning he gives before Clive straightens back up, Verso hefted in his arms. ]
That doesn't matter, [ is his eventual answer to the question. ] I can't bear seeing you hurt.
[ Blue eyes, made dark by fatigue and bare-faced sorrow, waver. The next word out of his mouth unabashedly wavers in supplication. ]
Please.
[ He knows that he can't kill Verso. This world has cursed Verso with that cross to bear. But that doesn't mean that Clive can treat Verso's life so cavalierly. ] Let me do this.
[I'll carry you, Clive had said. Verso didn't think to take it quite so literally until his arm his hooked under his knees and he's lifting him into the air. A chorus of objections follow but soon sputter out as Clive speaks and gives Verso something different to buck against. Clive's pains and his sufferings and the things he's had to endure do matter, and the way he insists otherwise brings a twinge to Verso's heart.]
Seeing you hurting isn't any more bearable, you know.
[Spoken softly but almost sternly. Verso won't invoke his long history of watching people suffer in order to keep him going, though – that feels cruel under the circumstances – and he'll drop his argument the moment Clive says please. Because ultimately, he does understand the drive to ignore the self in favour of the other. He knows how a no might resonate.
And that hurts, too. Worse than the ache in his back, worse than the burn on his hand, worse than the sting of sweat against the punctures on his neck. Desperately, he wants Clive to see himself the way he does, but rationally he understands that won't be possible while he bears the marks of their encounter. So, he yields to Clive's supplication, willing himself to release the defensive tension pulling him taught and a bit away, then shifting his weight a little to make things easier on them both.]
All right, all right. I'd tell you that you're impossibly stubborn but I get the feeling you've heard that before.
[ There's a full-body easing after the permission is given, almost as if Clive expected Verso to wriggle out of his arms like a cat protesting being held. It wouldn't have surprised him if that'd been the outcome― not many would be comfortable being so close to someone who had nearly killed them (for a given value of kill, in Verso's case) moments earlier.
Then again, Verso brought him back down to earth, quite literally, by staying close, so maybe both of their standards are a bit (a lot) fucked. Hugging Verso to his chest, Clive starts their short trek to the cliffside caves near the beach, which they'd cleared of Nevrons during the day. As safe as any place on the Continent can possibly be.
To the accurate callout of being stubborn: ] All my life. [ Confident in this answer about himself, at least. ] Pig-headed, my mentor called it.
[ And oh, he wonders what Cid would say about this whole thing. He'd laugh about it, Clive is sure, in the same way he laughed about this world as if it was one continuous bad joke that he'd been testing with the wrong crowd.
("What, you fell tits over ass for the Paintress's son? Fuck me, Clive.")
Into the caves they go. Usually, Clive would summon a mote of fire to keep their path lit as they meander through the dark, but he's sick of flames for the night; speaking of Cid, he uses the power his mentor bestowed upon him instead, lightning-charged chroma crackling blue-violet in the narrow corridors of the expansive labyrinth. Even if Renoir were out there again, Clive doubts the man would follow them into this kind of space. ]
I have a few tints that you can use, once I get you settled. [ Again: stubborn. ]
[At least Clive's own relaxation comes as no small consolation to Verso. Leaning on him while he's going through the worst of things still doesn't sit well with him, but there's a twisted reassurance in the way that bearing his burdens seems to lighten Clive's own. It reasserts that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to feel exposed, it's okay to not be okay, even if the problem is something relatively small and easily healed. Verso doesn't have to be the one tirelessly working to save everyone. Clive shouldn't be that person, either, of course, but that isn't what's happening here. They're both saving each other from their own damned selves. Having been in a lot of hands over the decades – both ones he's chosen and ones he's had forced upon him – Verso feels confident in believing that there are no better hands for him to be in than Clive's. And one day, he hopes to show Clive that the same is true of him. That he can shed his burdens through sharing them rather than suffocating them.
He just can't do that by denying who Clive is at his core. No matter how hard that is to come to terms with.
The crackle of the lightning is new; Verso closes his eyes at its summoning and feels how the residual chroma brings a static to Clive's arm, warm and tingling against the soothing light. Once more, the two of them disappear into a space of their own and the world shrinks until it's just them and the darkness Clive illuminates. Verso lets himself slip into the comfort of how that kind of feels like Clive's thing – casting light upon the shadows and chasing them away – and eases himself a little more into the moment, lightening up a bit in turn.]
I've got some of my own, too. Special ones. What do you think...
[He leaves the thought dangling for a moment, ending it on a slightly teasing lilt. If Clive's going to insist on being stubborn, Verso can go back to being trouble. He lifts his healthy hand to start playing with Clive's hair again, letting out a soft hum before continuing.]
... about me using them to give you a massage once my hand's taken care of?
[Another pause while the hand in Clive's hair travels a lazy course to the base of his neck to gently working at knotted muscle.]
[ Fat lot of good Clive's attempts at saving anyone has done. Sometimes he feels like he's harmed more than healed－ his mother, his brother, his mentor, his expedition, Verso－ but subscribing to despair has historically never worked for him, either. Cid beat those self-destructive inclinations out of him, and Clive leans into those teachings now: if you're alive, you might as well put yourself to good use.
His musings are cut short, however, by Verso and his teasing lilt. Clive is trying to find the flattest, least offensive-looking patch of ground to sit down on (Verso still in tow, with every intention to keep him sprawled over his lap) when the word special ones cut through the din of his thoughts and percolate like rainwater on an absorbent surface.
Clive's brows shoot up, bemused, then furrow somewhat. ]
Verso.
[ Chiding, though he realizes a moment later－ as he moves to sit down on a lumpy spot near the cave wall, having given up on complete comfort－ that he hasn't quite given Verso the entire context for his prolonged rampage as Ifrit. ]
You need to take care. Half the problem of the creature inside me is that... [ Founder, how does he phrase this so that it sounds less unhinged than it is? Impossible. Clive sighs, frowns, and hangs his head. ] ...it mirrors me. It wants you too much.
[Clive sits down and Verso thinks to shift to sit beside him. Time ticks on without him relinquishing his hold, though, and then he speaks of things that keep him rooted in place and it all becomes a moot point, anyway.
Things are starting to make sense and now he needs to think.
A mirror. Same but different. Clive wants Verso's vulnerability; the beast wants his strength. Clive would give him more kisses in an hour than he's had in a day and hold him closer than should be possible; the beast would knock him to the ground and sink its teeth into his neck. Clive aspires to save the people of this world; the beast would burn it in order to save the one who's here from the other one. There's something to work with here, a string to pull taught to make it all come together.
When Verso reaches out to grasp for it, he finds himself face-to-face with himself twice over.
The three of them had started out at odds. They'd fought each other for dominance over whose memories mattered most, whose feelings should rise to the fore, whose paths were the most correct ones to walk, which actions should be followed, which words should be spoken, what he should think, what he should do, who he should become. None of them were beasts so that comparison between himself and Clive is faulty, but it was only once he stopped focusing on their differences and started embracing their commonalities that he started to discover himself and gain control over how he embodied his others, so maybe there's something to work with there regardless.
At first, all he offers is a measly:]
Okay.
[And it is okay in the sense that he's not bothered. He doesn't consider it shameful or unhinged.]
Nothing below the waist, then. And I'll talk you through it. I mean, you can't argue away a part of yourself. It doesn't work like that. You need to figure out how to work together. So, if you wanting me is the only think you have in common, we need to start there.
[ It is perhaps incredibly hypocritical of Clive to keep Verso tucked between his knees and in his arms instead of letting Verso sit next to him, especially after the heels of having just told Verso to take care－ that said, logic and reason are working against Clive right now. He's confused and muddled and torn between self-sacrifice and self-interest; he doesn't want to hurt Verso, but the thought of parting with him is also unbearable.
So. This. Still holding Verso close, letting his tired body rest against his chest. One hand rummages at his hip packs, unclipping one to fish for the tints he'd mentioned before while Verso thinks. The vial glows red in the dim, and he hands it to Verso when he thinks he's ready to down its contents. ]
How to work together. [ Parroting, with a heavy sigh. ] Founder, this thing feels more like a curse than a part of me.
[ Horrifying, really, to think that it might even have corrupted this one thing Clive wanted to keep sacred. Turning his affection into some grotesque need to claim and break. It's sickening. ]
I didn't understand its urges when I first transformed in front of your father, but I didn't feel the same pull to him as I do to you. [ Definitely not horny for Renoir, and not sorry about it. ] But it must have been that I feared him harming you, and thus, the beast wanted to harm him in return.
[ So, yeah. A mirror. The same base instincts, with disparate opinions on how those instincts should be externalized. Clive knows that he should come to a compromise with it, but the prospect of it is daunting. ]
[The tint is taken as it's offered, and the bulk of it is consumed while Clive is speaking. The rest gets swallowed down when he's done and Verso finds himself in need of yet more time to consider what to say. In the meantime, he focuses on the way it works through him; how it tickles at his back and feels like ice on his fingers. The sting of salt on his neck starts bearing a different tone, one that's more like the fibres of his flesh suturing themselves back together, cell by cell. All familiar sensations, of course, but they still keep his mind from wandering too far from the moment.
Eventually:]
I used to think that I was cursed, too, and that if I just fought against it, I'd...
[Save the world. Bring everyone back to life, all the hundreds upon thousands of people lost since the Fracture. Be reunited with Julie and be miraculously forgiven for all the sins he'd committed against her. Rediscover happiness and the feeling of having a place in the world. Earn, truly earn, the right to exist.]
Find my purpose. Took me decades to realise I was losing ground instead of gaining any.
[He looks down at his hands. If he closes his eyes, he knows he'll still be able to see Julie's blood staining his skin and clinging to the creases in the leather, so he determinedly keeps them open, watching while his burn pinks.]
And I hurt a lot of people because I didn't want to L3 + R3 accept the truth of who... of what I am and what that means.
[Their situations still aren't the same. They almost have the reverse problem; the other two Versos aren't murderers. They haven't killed people they loved and justified more deaths because they'd sooner play make-believe than acknowledge that their ideals are absolutely fucking meaningless. But maybe – uncomfortably and disturbingly – that gives him some insight into the beast itself. His voice quiets as he continues.]
I know that beast has done some horrible things, but right now? It seems to me that it's telling you it wants what you want. And that puts you in charge. If you're up to it, try guiding it back to you. Let it know what it's up against and see how it responds.
[ Clive watches the tint work its magic through Verso's body, and only relaxes once he sees the worst of the injuries start to mend. The burn on the palm was too severe for a single tint to fix the worst of the damage, but there's some consolation in seeing the angry teethmarks fade into something more lovebite-adjacent; Clive leans forward to nose against the slightly-red patch and lick the last of the residual blood off of sweat-damp skin.
While he does so, he also listens. His turn, now, to pull dots together with string. His tired, muddled mind lays flat all that he knows about Verso's existential quandaries to make them more visible, and slots these new pieces of context alongside them. Verso's feelings of being cursed; finding it hard to find out the truth of what he is; this world as a creation of the Paintress' son; a mother's grief.
What would Verso have had to come to terms with? Would he not have known about his own death after he was brought back to life?
And then, it hits. Something Verso had said on the night before the Gommage: "so she could pretend like nothing happened to him". Like nothing had happened.
Oh, the fucking horror of it. Clive had said before, that Verso's own family was responsible for Verso's torture― now, he thinks there's no word for what they've done to him. The problem of Ifrit seems far away compared to this new, gut-churning revelation about what exactly it is that Verso has been contending with. Not just being brought back, but perhaps―
―being made for convenience. The thought of it makes Clive want to retch again.
He doesn't. He feigns listening to the rest of the suggestion that centers around his own predicament (perhaps infuriatingly), though his innate inability to lie makes it obvious that he's distracted; he's a little paler, and he tenses under Verso's weight. ]
...I'll try. [ Finally, after a protracted pause. What he wants to say is I'll never fucking forgive what they did to you, and Ifrit echoes it in kind in the hollow space between his ribs, because Ifrit is him. ] Verso...
[ He starts, then stops. Lips draw into a tight line; finally, Clive offers a hand. ]
...Stay with me, through this. This time, no ill will come to you.
[The shitty thing about using tints to heal deeper burns is that the more they heal, the more they hurt as nerves come back to life and fire off their alarms. Soon, the weight and texture of the gauntlet becomes a problem, and Verso works it off, revealing the angry red skin beneath it. After tossing it aside, he gingerly pulls of his other gauntlet, too, as if to pretend that this is just a decision he's made for casual reasons, and sends it over to where the other one landed on the cave floor, casting long shadows beneath the electric light.
He lays his hand flat on his lap, palm up, where the shadows are the deepest while he acclimates to its new aches.
He's used to people tensing when he speaks of his existence. Aline who was often frustrated that he wasn't her Verso, that his very nature revealed some manner of imperfection on her part. Renoir who expected him to prioritise his life above all others because to him, the only thing that matters is family. Clive's tension is different, though; it's the kind that curls around him instead of retracing away. And that feels miraculous in its own right, not because Verso considers himself unworthy – though he does, deep down, grapple with that – but rather because of Clive's abundance of love. It would have been easy for Clive to submit to bitterness after the awful ways he's been treated by his own mother; it would have been such a simple thing for him to see himself in her eyes and not in his own heart and to consider himself more beast than man within the futility of hope that the truth can inspire.
Yet here he is instead, soft and warm and gentle, arms always reaching out, hands always there to soothe and to hold. Strong and hopeful and trying so hard to find himself, too. So, of course Verso takes his hand when it's offered; of course, he laces their fingers together and strokes the heel of Clive's thumb with his own.]
I'm here. And I know. We're safe.
[Plural. Because Clive has Verso and Verso has Clive and the nature of their creations will only change that if they allow it to happen.]
[ "We". Together. Their hands lace together as it's done almost every day since that night at the mansion, when they first learned how good it feels to be a unit through the unending torment of their combined existent. Clive looks at it, then looks at Verso with his quiet smile and all the ways in which he must have struggled to keep that breezy, broken confidence together. Lying is the worst of Verso's sins, as far as Clive knows, but more often than not, Verso fancies he can see how Verso bleeds after each one.
It's the emotional bolster that Clive needs. Clive, who needs to atone for everything he's done: for being alive, for murdering his expedition, for killing Joshua. His existence is wrong, and unforgivable. But the people he has wronged can't rest until Clive learns how to tame this, and how to do something meaningful with it.
Clive still wants to save the world. (Save Verso.)
So, again: more fire. Cid's blessing dies in one last gentle wave of electric-violet ("off you go, Clive"), and gives way to the scream of crimson that floods, curiously, from where his hands are twined with Verso's. They feel different, this time― like they're his, and not merely passively bestowed upon him by the furnace in his body. They don't burn, either (which would have been a huge fucking problem, on the heels of him promising no harm), and manifest more as visualized chroma than anything else. ]
Come to me, Ifrit.
[ A whisper, to bid the creature inside him to heel. Time stretches, almost to the point of stopping. He finds himself in a mental battlefield with the monster of his past and present, and Clive―
―confronts it. Accepts it, as Verso suggested. Takes his own hand and forgives himself not for the sins he's committed, but for the way he was made. Makes promises he intends to keep. I will be better for this. I have to be better for this.
He also prays in front of his brother's ghost, shattered and sobbing, but that goes without saying. Joshua, Joshua, his light and joy and purpose. He's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry.
Clive is crying when time starts to move again, slumped against Verso with his wet cheek against black-white hair. Utterly spent, and aching. Ifrit is a calmer thing inside him now, still volatile but satisfied now that it's been seen and spoken to on its own terms, his own terms.
Clive squeezes Verso's hand. ] You're alright? [ The semi-transformation persists, but on a slow fade. He's glad not to smell the scent of Verso's burning flesh (he will be fucking horrified by this, later, if he ever finds out how the real Verso died). ]
[The peace that Verso has come to with fire shatters, somewhat, when flames rise from their threaded fingers and the real Verso's memories of his hand holding Alicia's as they both burned takes prominence over all else. In the absence of anticipated pain and the richness of Clive's chroma, though, Verso manages to remain rooted in time and place and self alike, with only his heart on the verge of pounding its way through the cage of his ribs and out through the now-distant mouth of the cave.
It feels like a blessing that Clive is too wrapped up in this beast – this Ifrit – to pay attention to how he controls his breathing now. It feels like a curse how distant Clive feels, even as they continue sharing the same space, and so far from reach that all Verso can do is worry and hope that he hasn't found another way to let blind hope fuck things up for someone important to him.
Not that the moment lasts long, with time taking on its own meaning. Not that it matters at all once the flames subside and his heartbeat quickens with a different kind of anxiety as Clive returns to him in tears.
Verso's burnt hand still hurts but it's the only one he has available, so it's the one that holds Clive's head against him; it's the one whose fingers soothe circles against his scalp. You're okay, he says softly, though his words are consumed by Clive's concurrent You're alright, and he ends up simply nodding instead.]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Are you?
[What happened, he wants to ask. How did it go? There are dozens of questions he wants to bombard Clive with, hundreds of things he wants to know, countless comforts he wishes he could offer, but instead he simply exists, letting him come back piece by piece, breath by breath. And for once, that existence feels like might even be enough.]
[ Verso existing has always been enough. The memory of his chroma soothes Clive back into equilibrium, hair still streaked red in some places, mostly back to coal. He breathes, stumbles, and sobs; everything hurts, but the pain is his own. There's comfort in that. ]
Fine. I'm fine.
[ Rooted in the certainty of being abnormal. He isn't fine in the strictest sense of the word, but he understands that now; clarity is a curse, but it's one that he can say with confidence now that he shares with Verso.
His breath evens in waves. In, then out. Limply, he takes Verso's injured hand and kisses along the edge of the horrible burn, taking care not to irritate the parts that still look raw. ]
I set some ground rules, [ he finally explains after long moments of tracing Verso's knuckles with his lips, touching him for the sake of touching him. Grateful for the proximity, apologetic for the trouble. ] ―Like the fact that you're not for eating.
[ A ghost of a smile, as Clive flicks tired blue eyes towards Verso's face. Still handsome, still good enough to swallow whole, but Clive can content himself with kisses. Ifrit can grumble all he wants. ]
[If Clive needs silence, silence he will have; if he needs to kiss Verso's hand, the Verso will ignore the sting. Whatever he needs, for as long as he might need it, Verso offers it up like it's already been given. Because it has been. That very moment Clive stroked his face and told him I've got you, Verso has known that there's little he wouldn't offer in hopes of doing something for Clive that has even a fraction of the impact that moment had on him.
And now, he gives him laughter – real laughter, not quite a bellow but well beyond a breath – along with a smile that illuminates rather than ghosts and just the slightest twinkle of trouble in his eyes.]
Not by him, anyway.
[As much as Verso wishes he could soften the mood and brighten Clive's own smile, he wants even more to understand what else happened. It can't have just been a setting of ground rules, considering how Clive is still having to hold himself together. So, Verso leans a little more of his weight against him, offering him more closeness, more presence, in lieu of more light.]
Will you tell me the rest? I want to know.
[There's a slight edge of please to his tone, an almost urgency that gives away his concern. But he bites it back as much as he's able. He doesn't want to push.]
[ That laugh. Clive could subsist off of it alone for days. He bends towards it like a flower to the sun, and marvels at how Verso is able to give so subtly and sweetly; not like Clive, who burns others with his intensity like flame to kindling (or so he thinks of himself).
The outline of Ifrit lingers. Clive's scar glows, red as ember. It pulses in time to his heartbeat, fast easing to slow, and Clive thinks about how he wants to answer what the rest even is. What does he say? How does he describe it?
Verso says "I want to know", though, at a faster clip than usual, and oh, who is Clive to deny him when he says it like that? So: ]
I... faced it. I looked inside of myself, and confronted the beast. ...Ifrit, it calls itself.
[ Himself? Yes, and not quite. For now, Clive keeps the distinction. ]
Essentially, [ is a bit of a struggle, trying to find the best words to articulate what happened, ] I threw a tantrum. [ Taking up arms against yourself? Definitely a tantrum. ] And through it, I accepted that I am Ifrit. His fire is my fire, and his sins are my sins. Only by accepting that, could I lay all those that I've murdered to rest.
[ His next breath breaks towards the end. ]
I severed Ifrit from me, because the alternative was to acknowledge that I was the one who killed my brother. ...No more. Joshua deserves more than my denial.
[The light emanating from Clive's scar isn't exactly the one that Verso wants to see him shining with; all the same, he reaches up and runs his thumb along it, a gesture that speaks of acknowledgement as much as it does fondness. If Clive is Ifrit then those embers are Clive, and Verso won't hide away from them or pretend they're not present. He won't hold back from embracing them as well. He will slow his touch, though, the more Clive speaks, staying it as the topic of sins is broached. It's not that Verso is surprised or pulling away, but rather that he wants to centre the whole of his focus on what Clive is saying. So, he moves that hand behind his neck and shifts to press his forehead to the crown of his head. Like this, he can also feel him speaking.
He can feel that break in Clive's breath, too, and his next breath comes a little heavier, drags out a little longer afterward.
It's not possible for Clive to accept his sameness with Ifrit and also absolve himself of all the horrible things that the beast has done through him. Verso understands this, and yet hearing that sentiment delivered in Clive's voice still strikes him as something unjust and wrong, a misrepresentation of reality. That's coming from his own issues, though, not from the truth of the matter, so he ignores the way his heart wants to buck against Clive's resolve and lets his words exist in silence for a while.
I was the one who killed my brother. Nothing newly expressed, but rather coming from a different perspective. A new question rises, one that Verso isn't sure he wants to humour. Understanding why he killed Julie – knowing how he justified it through the foolish, naive belief that Aline would care enough to bring back any of the lost Lumierans, never mind the one who orchestrated her son's torture – hasn't really felt like it's helped him at all. But then, their situations are different. Verso's blindness was a willing one. Clive's could be more of the haunting type. Maybe he should ask.
Though still, he delays.]
Hey, whatever works.
[The tantrum, he means. There's a lightness to his voice but no humour this time.]
Thank you for telling me. Letting me in. We'll figure the rest of it out together, yeah? You, me, Ifrit. Our place in this world.
[And, importantly, the truths they're hiding from and those they're missing. Maybe now they can both finally make progress. Verso does still have his question to ask, though, and it comes after another deep exhale, in a voice that's quieted by its weight.]
Did you find out why it – you – killed your Expedition? Your brother?
[ Joshua is still a crater-shaped loss that Clive is handling... poorly. It's no longer the dark-eyed, ravenous anger that spurred him when he'd first met Verso, the numb despair that he refused to speak of for fear of losing himself to it entirely. But it is something quieter and deeper now, a haunting that lingers at his edges. Something inside of Clive has shattered to accept this new truth, and that brokenness is jagged, all edges.
Tears flow anew; Clive can't stop them. Others had said that he never smiled before Joshua was born: "you were such a sad boy," Elwin had said. "Then Joshua was born, and you were his favorite, and you finally found the light in you." ]
I wanted to protect him.
[ And it always boils down to this: Clive's clumsy wants and needs. The same thing that spurred him to a rampage in Renoir's presence, the same one that made Verso bleed tonight. An unregulated, blind need. ]
It could have been that I felt your father's chroma then, too. Something unknown, something watching our group. I...
[ His gaze dulls. His hand tightens around Verso's, twined fingers almost crushing in its intensity. He catches himself a moment later, and the grip relinquishes. ]
I told Joshua to protect the others, to go, and then－ [ A full-bodied tremor, this time. Even after accepting it, the muscle memory of what happened makes him want to claw himself to pieces. ] ―It was moments after we first stepped foot on a island looking towards the Monolith. ...Did being closer to the Paintress, finally, have anything to do with it? I don't know.
[ His breathing becomes uneven again. Flashes of fire, his brother's thin body under his hand, the feeling of his skin ripping. Clive's face is wet with tears and sweat, and he bows his head, vision doubling. ]
I couldn't stop it. [ He feels dizzy with the weight of it. ] Founder, if I hadn't been able to stop tonight－
[ He thinks of it, of holding the torn-apart pieces of Verso as he screamed and screamed by the edge of the water. It would have broken him. ]
Edited (I cannot write to save my life today wtf) 2025-09-12 21:05 (UTC)
[As much as it still hurts to see Clive crying, there's some relief there, too, in how freely his tears flow and in how he lets himself feel and hurt and express these awful things he's survived. Verso catches the tears on one side with a curled finger that gently strokes them away, and on the other side with a soft kiss where they land salty and warm on his heat-chapped lips.
And when Clive clenches then looses his grip, Verso tightens his own in response. He wants to feel Clive, to get a better understanding of the extents of his pain, to learn more about this side of him, to trust that he won't actually hurt him even when he accidentally does.
The retelling hurts more than anything, anyway. Life in the Canvas has never been particularly just, but there's something abjectly cruel about imbuing a human – a good, kind human with a big heart and gentle-leaning soul – with a destructive power primed to and capable of exploiting their protective nature to wreak carnage. Love should not be used like this, love should not be manipulated like this, but can he really be surprised that it has been? Love is the source of most of the deaths on the Canvas. It's a brutal force, here, ruinous in all the ways it can be.
Verso immediately pulls himself out of these thoughts when Clive dizzies beneath him, lowering his head and speaking words that Verso refuses to let linger.]
Hey, don't get caught up in that kind of thinking. You were able to. You were.
[Not perfectly, no, not without them both getting hurt, but splitting those kinds of hairs isn't going to get them anywhere. It's not going to heal either of their wounds or raise their spirits or make this bullshit feel any better. Verso moves his hand once more against the back of Clive's head and encourages him to rest against his shoulder, to lean on him like he'd allowed him to do on the night of the Gommage.]
I'm here, we're both okay, and it's over.
[A pause. A sigh that veers towards relief. A reiteration:]
[ Gentle hands, gentler patience. Verso is as he's always been, opaque in words but honest in touch, and Clive feels his soul warm to the temperature of Verso's chroma again. Something his heart remembers, even when there's no palm channeling pure energy into the seams of his being.
Ifrit is white noise by the time Clive's breathing evens out, slow and steady to the beat of Verso's heart. The angry-red coursing through him has abated; he's just Clive Rosfield yet again, messy black hair and dark eyes and warm everythings, simmering in the certainty of Verso's reassurance that they're safe. His nose brushes against Verso's jaw, and the reality of him allows Clive to put his grotesque musings back in a mental box that he seals shut, for now. No more lingering phantoms of mangled bodies, of Verso's unblinking eyes. ]
...Verso. [ After a while, this admission floats between tired lips. ] I think I was created to destroy your family.
[ "Destroy you", he can't say. But it seems the truth of things, that Ifrit wants to consume the shape and nature of Verso's chroma-- it seems truer enough, still, that if Verso can't be killed, he might yet be able to be subsumed by a different kind of creature.
A sensible, rational man might call it quits here. I'm too dangerous to be around, and the like. But that would be an abdication of everything Clive has ever held dear about the world, and his potential place in it.
So he doesn't. He sits closer in the nestle of Verso's body, and tips his head to kiss the corner of his soft mouth, his welcome lips. Reverent and protective, with obstinate conviction.
Pig-headed. Cid would laugh and laugh. ]
I will defy this. I will never harm you. Not as they've done, and not as they would still have me do.
[ It sounds a lot like a three-word confession; Clive doesn't yet have those words lined together properly, though. Just out of reach, and still undeserved. He reaches up to cup Verso's jaw, and kisses him again as punctuation. ]
[And so the man created to unite a fractured family is warmed by the man created to tear it further asunder; and so the latter teaches the former the true meaning of unity, and the former shows the latter what truly needs to be destroyed. The irony of it brings a laugh to Verso's breath and a smile to his lips as Clive moves to kiss him.]
I know. Both of the things you said.
[A kiss of his own. Chaste yet hard. Lingering as Verso seeks out whatever means of connection Clive is willing to offer him in turn.]
We'll defy our fates together.
[Verso hardly knows what that means, yet. Do they save the Canvas? Do they stop the Paintress and hope the other shards of their lives come together to form the picture of an actual future where choice isn't an illusion and life isn't a tragedy? For once, though, he doesn't feel like that matters; for once, he feels like he can step closer to himself, to Clive, to the heartbeat and the paint-string veins of the world, taking in the details rather than focusing exclusively on the broader picture.]
You and me against the world, for the world.
[Because even like this, face mottled red and lined with tear tracks, eyes still sad behind the conviction, Ifrit still burning in his chest, Clive feels like a manifestation of hope. Verso nuzzles their noses together, letting his lips hover over Clive's and his breath contribute even more warmth to the space between them.]
... wait that sounds cheesy. Let me try again.
[But not without another chaste kiss of inspiration.]
You and me as one.
[Between them, they are five entities. A Verso who is and two who were; a Clive who rebuilds and a Nevron that destroys. Maybe that makes things a little crowded but they're also both lonely, aren't they? So, maybe coming together like this, despite being alive in so many ways and for all the wrong reasons, is exactly what they need.
It still sounds a little cheesy to him, a little like his own three-word confession, but this time he lets it slide.]
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flamebrand) wrote2024-09-08 02:07 pm
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Fortunately, teeth soon make way for tongue, then breath, then breeze as Clive turns away to dry heave into the sand. Verso shifts position so that he's leaning over his back, rubbing along his arm until the retching stops. Once it does, a not insignificant part of himself wants to move again so that he's in front of Clive, but with how he seems solely capable of looking away, Verso decides better of it for now, opting to stay in place instead.]
There's nothing to forgive, my friend.
[Thank you for listening, he thinks to say. But guilt and gratitude mix hideously together, and his own mind's inclination towards spawning a litany of buts in response to most expressions of thanks keeps it quiet. Besides, he doesn't actually know how in the clear they are. The flames and the claws may be gone, but what triggered the transformation could still be near. Parts of the beast could still have a grasp on Clive's consciousness. He needs to know more.]
What happened?
[Calm, soft, caring. Unbothered even as his fingers ache and he can feel rivulets of blood run down his neck and he can feel the rise and fall of Clive's complicated breaths and wishes he could just pull him up into his arms and hold him and tell him he's safe.
He promised that he'd try to be honest, though, so.]
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Good thing Verso is way ahead of him, on that front. Asking him that the fuck happened is better than festering over what he did, which is far less obscure.
So: ] I... thought I felt your father's chroma. [ Clamping down on his kneejerk instinct to pull Verso close and inspect each and every one of his wounds, because that can wait until he fucking explains himself. ] The creature in me seems to respond to it― whether it be because it remembers the danger he posed to you, or...
[ He shifts in sand, finally flicking blue eyes back up towards Verso's face, though with reluctance. Pain flits across his expression again when he sees the aftermath of what he's done. ]
...Because it senses that your father is powerful. [ More struggling, before he appends: ] Like you.
[ Like tossing his own words back at Verso: made wrong. Clive doesn't think it of Verso at all－ everything about Verso has been a balm to an otherwise horrendous twist of fate－ but the things that compose him are, undoubtedly, different. Immortal, everlasting, resilient. Something the monster in him responds to, is starved for.
His breathing evens out, but his eyes remain misty. Angry and humbled and confused. ]
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[It takes Verso a moment to piece together his thoughts – a moment he spends slowly stroking a knuckle down Clive's scarred cheek. There's a part of him that's simply exhausted by the thought of yet another being obsessively drawn to the very nature of his existence. His neck throbs and he calls to mind the nuzzling that preceded the bite, the long and drawn out presence of those teeth in his flesh, they way they spoke of something different than what the other Nevrons are capable of expressing. Add to that the possibility that his father may be stalking after him, similarly driven to stake a different claim, and Verso feels like more of a mess than usual.
An impulse rises to apologise to Clive – he's sorry for getting him into this mess – but this isn't about him or his guilt or his constant existential dread, so he shakes his head and softly smiles.]
They're both out of luck. You already have me, so... Like I said, we'll get you back in control.
[It's a good sign, at least, that Clive seems to be able to understand the beast. That'll give them a baseline to work from once things have settled down a bit and his head is clearer and less likely to be overtaken. Verso lets out a breath, relaxing a little. He lifts a hand to push Clive's hair behind his ears. It doesn't stay and Verso's smile grows a little bit brighter before his expression shifts serious.]
But first, we need to get you away from here. Can you still sense Renoir?
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Still, Clive wants it so badly: for Verso to live on his own terms. For their circumstances to be something they've written themselves, instead of having been ordained.
It's the only reason why he can continue to look at Verso, and to tilt into the cradle of his palm. Retreating would be defeat. It would be succumbing to whatever is expected of him as a weapon, and Clive refuses to be one, no matter how much his mistakes and sins shame him. ]
―No. [ He finally says about Renoir, after closing his eyes and turning his concentration (mercifully) outwards. The only thing in the air is the distant mountain breeze, cooled by ice and snow. ] Just you.
[ Eyes open again, and flick towards the fingers in his hair. ] ―Verso. Your hand.
[ They need to get out of here, and they need to tend to Verso's wounds. Clive struggles up onto his feet, trying to survey the extent of the damage done. ]
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[Verso pulls his hand away once he catches Clive looking at it. It's fine, he wants to say but it's obviously not. The burn is deep enough in places that it's white; elsewhere, it's red and an angry brown that veers black. Telling Clive that he can manage would be more honest, but still not the whole truth of the matter. Verso doesn't withdraw as a matter of concealment, but rather of priority.]
My hand can wait. I'm more worried about you.
[Somehow, the beast's flames don't seem to effect Clive, but the way he carries himself suggests that he's still in some manner of pain. Verso imagines he must be thirsty, too, though he also wonders if he can keep anything down right now, given how much his stomach must surely be roiling. None of which is to mention the mental exhaustion he must be feeling, and the confusion, and the fear and what's a burn in comparison to that? What does it matter that he's walking away with a couple battle wounds when the kinds of injuries Clive's sustained go far, far deeper?
Regardless, nothing's going to get settled here on the beach. Verso rises to his feet shortly after Clive does, barely hiding a grimace as his back cries out in anger. For once, he doesn't broadly gesture ahead, instead placing his unburned hand on the back of Clive's shoulder as they make their way towards the cave.]
Where does it hurt?
[Everywhere, he imagines, but of course he has no frame of reference. He almost wishes he did; nobody deserves to be alone in what they are. He understands the pain of that better than anyone.]
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Namely: he doesn't. Especially not now, when he sees how Verso hides that injured hand and winces on his way back to vertical, trying to spare Clive the guilt of something caused directly and unequivocally by him.
So. He stops mid-step, then ducks under the arm Verso is using to brace him. Quick, for a man whose entire body aches with the unnatural experience of rapid transformation. He Uno Reverse Cards their positions from there, looping a careful arm around Verso's lower back before sweeping the other under his knees.
A beat to steady the both of them is all the warning he gives before Clive straightens back up, Verso hefted in his arms. ]
That doesn't matter, [ is his eventual answer to the question. ] I can't bear seeing you hurt.
[ Blue eyes, made dark by fatigue and bare-faced sorrow, waver. The next word out of his mouth unabashedly wavers in supplication. ]
Please.
[ He knows that he can't kill Verso. This world has cursed Verso with that cross to bear. But that doesn't mean that Clive can treat Verso's life so cavalierly. ] Let me do this.
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Seeing you hurting isn't any more bearable, you know.
[Spoken softly but almost sternly. Verso won't invoke his long history of watching people suffer in order to keep him going, though – that feels cruel under the circumstances – and he'll drop his argument the moment Clive says please. Because ultimately, he does understand the drive to ignore the self in favour of the other. He knows how a no might resonate.
And that hurts, too. Worse than the ache in his back, worse than the burn on his hand, worse than the sting of sweat against the punctures on his neck. Desperately, he wants Clive to see himself the way he does, but rationally he understands that won't be possible while he bears the marks of their encounter. So, he yields to Clive's supplication, willing himself to release the defensive tension pulling him taught and a bit away, then shifting his weight a little to make things easier on them both.]
All right, all right. I'd tell you that you're impossibly stubborn but I get the feeling you've heard that before.
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Then again, Verso brought him back down to earth, quite literally, by staying close, so maybe both of their standards are a bit (a lot) fucked. Hugging Verso to his chest, Clive starts their short trek to the cliffside caves near the beach, which they'd cleared of Nevrons during the day. As safe as any place on the Continent can possibly be.
To the accurate callout of being stubborn: ] All my life. [ Confident in this answer about himself, at least. ] Pig-headed, my mentor called it.
[ And oh, he wonders what Cid would say about this whole thing. He'd laugh about it, Clive is sure, in the same way he laughed about this world as if it was one continuous bad joke that he'd been testing with the wrong crowd.
("What, you fell tits over ass for the Paintress's son? Fuck me, Clive.")
Into the caves they go. Usually, Clive would summon a mote of fire to keep their path lit as they meander through the dark, but he's sick of flames for the night; speaking of Cid, he uses the power his mentor bestowed upon him instead, lightning-charged chroma crackling blue-violet in the narrow corridors of the expansive labyrinth. Even if Renoir were out there again, Clive doubts the man would follow them into this kind of space. ]
I have a few tints that you can use, once I get you settled. [ Again: stubborn. ]
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He just can't do that by denying who Clive is at his core. No matter how hard that is to come to terms with.
The crackle of the lightning is new; Verso closes his eyes at its summoning and feels how the residual chroma brings a static to Clive's arm, warm and tingling against the soothing light. Once more, the two of them disappear into a space of their own and the world shrinks until it's just them and the darkness Clive illuminates. Verso lets himself slip into the comfort of how that kind of feels like Clive's thing – casting light upon the shadows and chasing them away – and eases himself a little more into the moment, lightening up a bit in turn.]
I've got some of my own, too. Special ones. What do you think...
[He leaves the thought dangling for a moment, ending it on a slightly teasing lilt. If Clive's going to insist on being stubborn, Verso can go back to being trouble. He lifts his healthy hand to start playing with Clive's hair again, letting out a soft hum before continuing.]
... about me using them to give you a massage once my hand's taken care of?
[Another pause while the hand in Clive's hair travels a lazy course to the base of his neck to gently working at knotted muscle.]
Seems to me it's only fair. Right?
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His musings are cut short, however, by Verso and his teasing lilt. Clive is trying to find the flattest, least offensive-looking patch of ground to sit down on (Verso still in tow, with every intention to keep him sprawled over his lap) when the word special ones cut through the din of his thoughts and percolate like rainwater on an absorbent surface.
Clive's brows shoot up, bemused, then furrow somewhat. ]
Verso.
[ Chiding, though he realizes a moment later－ as he moves to sit down on a lumpy spot near the cave wall, having given up on complete comfort－ that he hasn't quite given Verso the entire context for his prolonged rampage as Ifrit. ]
You need to take care. Half the problem of the creature inside me is that... [ Founder, how does he phrase this so that it sounds less unhinged than it is? Impossible. Clive sighs, frowns, and hangs his head. ] ...it mirrors me. It wants you too much.
I want you too much.
[ So, yeah. Trouble. A lot going on, here. ]
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Things are starting to make sense and now he needs to think.
A mirror. Same but different. Clive wants Verso's vulnerability; the beast wants his strength. Clive would give him more kisses in an hour than he's had in a day and hold him closer than should be possible; the beast would knock him to the ground and sink its teeth into his neck. Clive aspires to save the people of this world; the beast would burn it in order to save the one who's here from the other one. There's something to work with here, a string to pull taught to make it all come together.
When Verso reaches out to grasp for it, he finds himself face-to-face with himself twice over.
The three of them had started out at odds. They'd fought each other for dominance over whose memories mattered most, whose feelings should rise to the fore, whose paths were the most correct ones to walk, which actions should be followed, which words should be spoken, what he should think, what he should do, who he should become. None of them were beasts so that comparison between himself and Clive is faulty, but it was only once he stopped focusing on their differences and started embracing their commonalities that he started to discover himself and gain control over how he embodied his others, so maybe there's something to work with there regardless.
At first, all he offers is a measly:]
Okay.
[And it is okay in the sense that he's not bothered. He doesn't consider it shameful or unhinged.]
Nothing below the waist, then. And I'll talk you through it. I mean, you can't argue away a part of yourself. It doesn't work like that. You need to figure out how to work together. So, if you wanting me is the only think you have in common, we need to start there.
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So. This. Still holding Verso close, letting his tired body rest against his chest. One hand rummages at his hip packs, unclipping one to fish for the tints he'd mentioned before while Verso thinks. The vial glows red in the dim, and he hands it to Verso when he thinks he's ready to down its contents. ]
How to work together. [ Parroting, with a heavy sigh. ] Founder, this thing feels more like a curse than a part of me.
[ Horrifying, really, to think that it might even have corrupted this one thing Clive wanted to keep sacred. Turning his affection into some grotesque need to claim and break. It's sickening. ]
I didn't understand its urges when I first transformed in front of your father, but I didn't feel the same pull to him as I do to you. [ Definitely not horny for Renoir, and not sorry about it. ] But it must have been that I feared him harming you, and thus, the beast wanted to harm him in return.
[ So, yeah. A mirror. The same base instincts, with disparate opinions on how those instincts should be externalized. Clive knows that he should come to a compromise with it, but the prospect of it is daunting. ]
no subject
Eventually:]
I used to think that I was cursed, too, and that if I just fought against it, I'd...
[Save the world. Bring everyone back to life, all the hundreds upon thousands of people lost since the Fracture. Be reunited with Julie and be miraculously forgiven for all the sins he'd committed against her. Rediscover happiness and the feeling of having a place in the world. Earn, truly earn, the right to exist.]
Find my purpose. Took me decades to realise I was losing ground instead of gaining any.
[He looks down at his hands. If he closes his eyes, he knows he'll still be able to see Julie's blood staining his skin and clinging to the creases in the leather, so he determinedly keeps them open, watching while his burn pinks.]
And I hurt a lot of people because I didn't want to
L3 + R3accept the truth of who... of what I am and what that means.[Their situations still aren't the same. They almost have the reverse problem; the other two Versos aren't murderers. They haven't killed people they loved and justified more deaths because they'd sooner play make-believe than acknowledge that their ideals are absolutely fucking meaningless. But maybe – uncomfortably and disturbingly – that gives him some insight into the beast itself. His voice quiets as he continues.]
I know that beast has done some horrible things, but right now? It seems to me that it's telling you it wants what you want. And that puts you in charge. If you're up to it, try guiding it back to you. Let it know what it's up against and see how it responds.
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While he does so, he also listens. His turn, now, to pull dots together with string. His tired, muddled mind lays flat all that he knows about Verso's existential quandaries to make them more visible, and slots these new pieces of context alongside them. Verso's feelings of being cursed; finding it hard to find out the truth of what he is; this world as a creation of the Paintress' son; a mother's grief.
What would Verso have had to come to terms with? Would he not have known about his own death after he was brought back to life?
And then, it hits. Something Verso had said on the night before the Gommage: "so she could pretend like nothing happened to him". Like nothing had happened.
Oh, the fucking horror of it. Clive had said before, that Verso's own family was responsible for Verso's torture― now, he thinks there's no word for what they've done to him. The problem of Ifrit seems far away compared to this new, gut-churning revelation about what exactly it is that Verso has been contending with. Not just being brought back, but perhaps―
―being made for convenience. The thought of it makes Clive want to retch again.
He doesn't. He feigns listening to the rest of the suggestion that centers around his own predicament (perhaps infuriatingly), though his innate inability to lie makes it obvious that he's distracted; he's a little paler, and he tenses under Verso's weight. ]
...I'll try. [ Finally, after a protracted pause. What he wants to say is I'll never fucking forgive what they did to you, and Ifrit echoes it in kind in the hollow space between his ribs, because Ifrit is him. ] Verso...
[ He starts, then stops. Lips draw into a tight line; finally, Clive offers a hand. ]
...Stay with me, through this. This time, no ill will come to you.
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He lays his hand flat on his lap, palm up, where the shadows are the deepest while he acclimates to its new aches.
He's used to people tensing when he speaks of his existence. Aline who was often frustrated that he wasn't her Verso, that his very nature revealed some manner of imperfection on her part. Renoir who expected him to prioritise his life above all others because to him, the only thing that matters is family. Clive's tension is different, though; it's the kind that curls around him instead of retracing away. And that feels miraculous in its own right, not because Verso considers himself unworthy – though he does, deep down, grapple with that – but rather because of Clive's abundance of love. It would have been easy for Clive to submit to bitterness after the awful ways he's been treated by his own mother; it would have been such a simple thing for him to see himself in her eyes and not in his own heart and to consider himself more beast than man within the futility of hope that the truth can inspire.
Yet here he is instead, soft and warm and gentle, arms always reaching out, hands always there to soothe and to hold. Strong and hopeful and trying so hard to find himself, too. So, of course Verso takes his hand when it's offered; of course, he laces their fingers together and strokes the heel of Clive's thumb with his own.]
I'm here. And I know. We're safe.
[Plural. Because Clive has Verso and Verso has Clive and the nature of their creations will only change that if they allow it to happen.]
no subject
It's the emotional bolster that Clive needs. Clive, who needs to atone for everything he's done: for being alive, for murdering his expedition, for killing Joshua. His existence is wrong, and unforgivable. But the people he has wronged can't rest until Clive learns how to tame this, and how to do something meaningful with it.
Clive still wants to save the world. (Save Verso.)
So, again: more fire. Cid's blessing dies in one last gentle wave of electric-violet ("off you go, Clive"), and gives way to the scream of crimson that floods, curiously, from where his hands are twined with Verso's. They feel different, this time― like they're his, and not merely passively bestowed upon him by the furnace in his body. They don't burn, either (which would have been a huge fucking problem, on the heels of him promising no harm), and manifest more as visualized chroma than anything else. ]
Come to me, Ifrit.
[ A whisper, to bid the creature inside him to heel. Time stretches, almost to the point of stopping. He finds himself in a mental battlefield with the monster of his past and present, and Clive―
―confronts it. Accepts it, as Verso suggested. Takes his own hand and forgives himself not for the sins he's committed, but for the way he was made. Makes promises he intends to keep. I will be better for this. I have to be better for this.
He also prays in front of his brother's ghost, shattered and sobbing, but that goes without saying. Joshua, Joshua, his light and joy and purpose. He's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry.
Clive is crying when time starts to move again, slumped against Verso with his wet cheek against black-white hair. Utterly spent, and aching. Ifrit is a calmer thing inside him now, still volatile but satisfied now that it's been seen and spoken to on its own terms, his own terms.
Clive squeezes Verso's hand. ] You're alright? [ The semi-transformation persists, but on a slow fade. He's glad not to smell the scent of Verso's burning flesh (he will be fucking horrified by this, later, if he ever finds out how the real Verso died). ]
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It feels like a blessing that Clive is too wrapped up in this beast – this Ifrit – to pay attention to how he controls his breathing now. It feels like a curse how distant Clive feels, even as they continue sharing the same space, and so far from reach that all Verso can do is worry and hope that he hasn't found another way to let blind hope fuck things up for someone important to him.
Not that the moment lasts long, with time taking on its own meaning. Not that it matters at all once the flames subside and his heartbeat quickens with a different kind of anxiety as Clive returns to him in tears.
Verso's burnt hand still hurts but it's the only one he has available, so it's the one that holds Clive's head against him; it's the one whose fingers soothe circles against his scalp. You're okay, he says softly, though his words are consumed by Clive's concurrent You're alright, and he ends up simply nodding instead.]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Are you?
[What happened, he wants to ask. How did it go? There are dozens of questions he wants to bombard Clive with, hundreds of things he wants to know, countless comforts he wishes he could offer, but instead he simply exists, letting him come back piece by piece, breath by breath. And for once, that existence feels like might even be enough.]
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Fine. I'm fine.
[ Rooted in the certainty of being abnormal. He isn't fine in the strictest sense of the word, but he understands that now; clarity is a curse, but it's one that he can say with confidence now that he shares with Verso.
His breath evens in waves. In, then out. Limply, he takes Verso's injured hand and kisses along the edge of the horrible burn, taking care not to irritate the parts that still look raw. ]
I set some ground rules, [ he finally explains after long moments of tracing Verso's knuckles with his lips, touching him for the sake of touching him. Grateful for the proximity, apologetic for the trouble. ] ―Like the fact that you're not for eating.
[ A ghost of a smile, as Clive flicks tired blue eyes towards Verso's face. Still handsome, still good enough to swallow whole, but Clive can content himself with kisses. Ifrit can grumble all he wants. ]
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And now, he gives him laughter – real laughter, not quite a bellow but well beyond a breath – along with a smile that illuminates rather than ghosts and just the slightest twinkle of trouble in his eyes.]
Not by him, anyway.
[As much as Verso wishes he could soften the mood and brighten Clive's own smile, he wants even more to understand what else happened. It can't have just been a setting of ground rules, considering how Clive is still having to hold himself together. So, Verso leans a little more of his weight against him, offering him more closeness, more presence, in lieu of more light.]
Will you tell me the rest? I want to know.
[There's a slight edge of please to his tone, an almost urgency that gives away his concern. But he bites it back as much as he's able. He doesn't want to push.]
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The outline of Ifrit lingers. Clive's scar glows, red as ember. It pulses in time to his heartbeat, fast easing to slow, and Clive thinks about how he wants to answer what the rest even is. What does he say? How does he describe it?
Verso says "I want to know", though, at a faster clip than usual, and oh, who is Clive to deny him when he says it like that? So: ]
I... faced it. I looked inside of myself, and confronted the beast. ...Ifrit, it calls itself.
[ Himself? Yes, and not quite. For now, Clive keeps the distinction. ]
Essentially, [ is a bit of a struggle, trying to find the best words to articulate what happened, ] I threw a tantrum. [ Taking up arms against yourself? Definitely a tantrum. ] And through it, I accepted that I am Ifrit. His fire is my fire, and his sins are my sins. Only by accepting that, could I lay all those that I've murdered to rest.
[ His next breath breaks towards the end. ]
I severed Ifrit from me, because the alternative was to acknowledge that I was the one who killed my brother. ...No more. Joshua deserves more than my denial.
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He can feel that break in Clive's breath, too, and his next breath comes a little heavier, drags out a little longer afterward.
It's not possible for Clive to accept his sameness with Ifrit and also absolve himself of all the horrible things that the beast has done through him. Verso understands this, and yet hearing that sentiment delivered in Clive's voice still strikes him as something unjust and wrong, a misrepresentation of reality. That's coming from his own issues, though, not from the truth of the matter, so he ignores the way his heart wants to buck against Clive's resolve and lets his words exist in silence for a while.
I was the one who killed my brother. Nothing newly expressed, but rather coming from a different perspective. A new question rises, one that Verso isn't sure he wants to humour. Understanding why he killed Julie – knowing how he justified it through the foolish, naive belief that Aline would care enough to bring back any of the lost Lumierans, never mind the one who orchestrated her son's torture – hasn't really felt like it's helped him at all. But then, their situations are different. Verso's blindness was a willing one. Clive's could be more of the haunting type. Maybe he should ask.
Though still, he delays.]
Hey, whatever works.
[The tantrum, he means. There's a lightness to his voice but no humour this time.]
Thank you for telling me. Letting me in. We'll figure the rest of it out together, yeah? You, me, Ifrit. Our place in this world.
[And, importantly, the truths they're hiding from and those they're missing. Maybe now they can both finally make progress. Verso does still have his question to ask, though, and it comes after another deep exhale, in a voice that's quieted by its weight.]
Did you find out why it – you – killed your Expedition? Your brother?
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Tears flow anew; Clive can't stop them. Others had said that he never smiled before Joshua was born: "you were such a sad boy," Elwin had said. "Then Joshua was born, and you were his favorite, and you finally found the light in you." ]
I wanted to protect him.
[ And it always boils down to this: Clive's clumsy wants and needs. The same thing that spurred him to a rampage in Renoir's presence, the same one that made Verso bleed tonight. An unregulated, blind need. ]
It could have been that I felt your father's chroma then, too. Something unknown, something watching our group. I...
[ His gaze dulls. His hand tightens around Verso's, twined fingers almost crushing in its intensity. He catches himself a moment later, and the grip relinquishes. ]
I told Joshua to protect the others, to go, and then－ [ A full-bodied tremor, this time. Even after accepting it, the muscle memory of what happened makes him want to claw himself to pieces. ] ―It was moments after we first stepped foot on a island looking towards the Monolith. ...Did being closer to the Paintress, finally, have anything to do with it? I don't know.
[ His breathing becomes uneven again. Flashes of fire, his brother's thin body under his hand, the feeling of his skin ripping. Clive's face is wet with tears and sweat, and he bows his head, vision doubling. ]
I couldn't stop it. [ He feels dizzy with the weight of it. ] Founder, if I hadn't been able to stop tonight－
[ He thinks of it, of holding the torn-apart pieces of Verso as he screamed and screamed by the edge of the water. It would have broken him. ]
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And when Clive clenches then looses his grip, Verso tightens his own in response. He wants to feel Clive, to get a better understanding of the extents of his pain, to learn more about this side of him, to trust that he won't actually hurt him even when he accidentally does.
The retelling hurts more than anything, anyway. Life in the Canvas has never been particularly just, but there's something abjectly cruel about imbuing a human – a good, kind human with a big heart and gentle-leaning soul – with a destructive power primed to and capable of exploiting their protective nature to wreak carnage. Love should not be used like this, love should not be manipulated like this, but can he really be surprised that it has been? Love is the source of most of the deaths on the Canvas. It's a brutal force, here, ruinous in all the ways it can be.
Verso immediately pulls himself out of these thoughts when Clive dizzies beneath him, lowering his head and speaking words that Verso refuses to let linger.]
Hey, don't get caught up in that kind of thinking. You were able to. You were.
[Not perfectly, no, not without them both getting hurt, but splitting those kinds of hairs isn't going to get them anywhere. It's not going to heal either of their wounds or raise their spirits or make this bullshit feel any better. Verso moves his hand once more against the back of Clive's head and encourages him to rest against his shoulder, to lean on him like he'd allowed him to do on the night of the Gommage.]
I'm here, we're both okay, and it's over.
[A pause. A sigh that veers towards relief. A reiteration:]
We're safe. Rest for a moment. Just be.
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Ifrit is white noise by the time Clive's breathing evens out, slow and steady to the beat of Verso's heart. The angry-red coursing through him has abated; he's just Clive Rosfield yet again, messy black hair and dark eyes and warm everythings, simmering in the certainty of Verso's reassurance that they're safe. His nose brushes against Verso's jaw, and the reality of him allows Clive to put his grotesque musings back in a mental box that he seals shut, for now. No more lingering phantoms of mangled bodies, of Verso's unblinking eyes. ]
...Verso. [ After a while, this admission floats between tired lips. ] I think I was created to destroy your family.
[ "Destroy you", he can't say. But it seems the truth of things, that Ifrit wants to consume the shape and nature of Verso's chroma-- it seems truer enough, still, that if Verso can't be killed, he might yet be able to be subsumed by a different kind of creature.
A sensible, rational man might call it quits here. I'm too dangerous to be around, and the like. But that would be an abdication of everything Clive has ever held dear about the world, and his potential place in it.
So he doesn't. He sits closer in the nestle of Verso's body, and tips his head to kiss the corner of his soft mouth, his welcome lips. Reverent and protective, with obstinate conviction.
Pig-headed. Cid would laugh and laugh. ]
I will defy this. I will never harm you. Not as they've done, and not as they would still have me do.
[ It sounds a lot like a three-word confession; Clive doesn't yet have those words lined together properly, though. Just out of reach, and still undeserved. He reaches up to cup Verso's jaw, and kisses him again as punctuation. ]
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I know. Both of the things you said.
[A kiss of his own. Chaste yet hard. Lingering as Verso seeks out whatever means of connection Clive is willing to offer him in turn.]
We'll defy our fates together.
[Verso hardly knows what that means, yet. Do they save the Canvas? Do they stop the Paintress and hope the other shards of their lives come together to form the picture of an actual future where choice isn't an illusion and life isn't a tragedy? For once, though, he doesn't feel like that matters; for once, he feels like he can step closer to himself, to Clive, to the heartbeat and the paint-string veins of the world, taking in the details rather than focusing exclusively on the broader picture.]
You and me against the world, for the world.
[Because even like this, face mottled red and lined with tear tracks, eyes still sad behind the conviction, Ifrit still burning in his chest, Clive feels like a manifestation of hope. Verso nuzzles their noses together, letting his lips hover over Clive's and his breath contribute even more warmth to the space between them.]
... wait that sounds cheesy. Let me try again.
[But not without another chaste kiss of inspiration.]
You and me as one.
[Between them, they are five entities. A Verso who is and two who were; a Clive who rebuilds and a Nevron that destroys. Maybe that makes things a little crowded but they're also both lonely, aren't they? So, maybe coming together like this, despite being alive in so many ways and for all the wrong reasons, is exactly what they need.
It still sounds a little cheesy to him, a little like his own three-word confession, but this time he lets it slide.]
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