[The same old Clive, the one that Joshua loves so desperately. He can’t help but smile.]
So long as they aren’t carrots. I can handle anything else.
[Joshua cares little for what the world might think of him. His own death has been breathing down his neck for some time now, every time Ultima scratches at its bonds. He’ll never say that to Clive, knowing it would hurt him - but to Joshua, it’s simply how things are. And since that the case, he sees no reason to care overmuch about the condemnation of others.
It is taboo, it is wrong. He’ll keep it a secret, because he would never want Clive to bear the consequences. But Joshua only wants to be happy while he can, wants to hold on to something he never thought possible.]
I never want you to feel like you must do something you don’t want to do in order to make me happy. My needs - [which are suddenly real, suddenly something he can have,] - are not the only thing that should guide us.
[Because kissing is one thing. Joshua’s desires, now that he isn’t looking away from them in fear, go much further.]
[ 'Ill-advised' is probably the most charitable descriptor for what they've gotten themselves into. Clive will have to sit with this for a while, the way he did when he first accepted his role as Ifrit's Dominant, and consider the ramifications of his actions. He won't regret the decision he's made, no, but it's still something that requires a careful touch.
His thumb smooths over Joshua's knuckles. Despite everything, Clive smiles. ]
I'm your brother, not your lackey. If you worry about me being a mindless servant, well－ [ A nudge, elbow to Joshua's side. ] －I won't be. I was never good at that.
[ Dutiful and committed to doing his part, yes, but never without his opinions. He wouldn't have lasted a day with Rodney Murdoch otherwise, especially given his age. ]
Besides. [ Another nudge. He feels more comfortable with the contact now that he isn't keeping himself on a leash－ or, well. A less careful leash. There's still the inclination to do something more unspeakable, and that instinct is still kept on a short tether. ] I can't refuse what I'm not aware of.
[He bumps his elbow against Clive in return. This at least feels normal now - like they can be easy together in a way that was fraught before, even if Joshua didn’t realize Clive might be feeling the same way.]
It may take me a little time. I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing.
[He isn’t embarrassed to admit it. When would he have had time, really? He spent so long recovering, and then started journeying across the land as soon as he was able. Joshua never had much inclination to brief assignations, and he never stayed long enough in one spot for anything more.
A few small flirtations is the extent of his experience. Not that he wouldn’t have liked more, of course, being a bit of a romantic, but there was always something more important. Clive was always more important.
Which isn’t to say he doesn’t want things. He does, very badly. But finding the words, knowing what to ask for, having the courage for it - that part will be more difficult.]
You’ve already given me more than I ever thought I could have.
[ Clive listens, and― oh. Those needs. The context finally hits Clive like a ten-ton anvil, and he sits there, mute, for the second he requires to blink stars out of his eyes.
He clears his throat. He, too, has no experience with 'this sort of thing', as Joshua put it. A Bearer for thirteen years after their lives collapsed, and an outlaw for the five following― he's become a stranger to gentle words and gentler touch. The thought that he could be permitted to try his hand at intimacy is overwhelming enough, but the idea of engaging in it with Joshua is...
...a lot. Far too much for him to contend with in this moment. If kissing Joshua felt as perfect as it did, properly touching him might drive Clive mad. ]
―We'll both think on it.
[ His hand is warm in Joshua's, and he gives it one more squeeze before slowly untangling their fingers.
He should feel more sorry for any of this, for all of this. He doesn't. ]
I just ask that you remember that I won't push you away.
[He lets Clive’s hand go - a little reluctantly, but he does. Some part of Joshua even now has a hard time believing this is real. Like if he lets Clive go, it will disappear, and Clive will never look at him the way he wishes for again.
But he knows that isn’t true. Clive would never do something like that, not his kind, steadfast brother. If he says he won’t push Joshua away, then it’s true.]
I’ll remember, but you must, as well.
[He may not be quite as adept at caring for someone as Clive is - but Joshua wants to give him that, too. They’ve already stepped far beyond the bounds of what their relationship should be. Joshua does not intend to hesitate again, not for a moment.
When he chooses a path, he is set, even if it should lead to his own doom.]
Whatever may come of this, know that I love you.
[And that will remain true no matter what might happen.]
[ Marching ever onwards to their doom is decidedly not the future that Clive wants for Joshua. What he wants for Joshua is freedom from the scrutiny of others, for him to be able to live without bounds and rules to tie him, to live without titles and assumptions that he's beholden to.
Clive wonders if he hasn't taken that away from Joshua by doing this－ if he hasn't assigned him to a lifetime of looking over his shoulder.
Still, Clive can only tell the truth when Joshua tells him that he's loved. His reply is as simple and earnest as the broad arc of a greatsword. ]
And I, you.
[ Forevermore, he thinks. A bit too on-the-nose; he keeps it to himself. ]
Our fates might not be written, [ in defiance of Ultima, who would have them believe that they're creatures fated to die out, ] but mine is linked, inextricably, to yours.
[ By choice. He smiles, then ruffles Joshua's hair. ]
Now go back to your reading, else I'll stay distracted the rest of the night.
[Joshua knows that's true. Whatever may come, however they live their lives, they will always be connected. Not only by their eikons - though the Phoenix and Ifrit are certainly intertwined in a way he doesn't truly understand yet - but by their own choice. They will fight together, now, though Joshua truly hopes they won't die together.
Either way, he doesn't intend to ever let Clive face Ultima alone.]
You see? I told you if you let me read in here I'd be distracting you all the time.
[He is smiling, teasing affectionately. This wasn't exactly what he'd been thinking, but it ends up the same, doesn't it? Clive, not doing his work, all because of him.
Honestly, Joshua's a bit pleased to be proven right. But then, he's pleased about a lot of things at the moment.]
Go get your work done. I'll try to behave.
[He might be able to actually read now - though he knows he'll still be stealing glances at Clive, marveling that this could have happened. Wondering if it's real, hoping that it remains so. But the book might get some of his attention, at least.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
So long as they aren’t carrots. I can handle anything else.
[Joshua cares little for what the world might think of him. His own death has been breathing down his neck for some time now, every time Ultima scratches at its bonds. He’ll never say that to Clive, knowing it would hurt him - but to Joshua, it’s simply how things are. And since that the case, he sees no reason to care overmuch about the condemnation of others.
It is taboo, it is wrong. He’ll keep it a secret, because he would never want Clive to bear the consequences. But Joshua only wants to be happy while he can, wants to hold on to something he never thought possible.]
I never want you to feel like you must do something you don’t want to do in order to make me happy. My needs - [which are suddenly real, suddenly something he can have,] - are not the only thing that should guide us.
[Because kissing is one thing. Joshua’s desires, now that he isn’t looking away from them in fear, go much further.]
no subject
His thumb smooths over Joshua's knuckles. Despite everything, Clive smiles. ]
I'm your brother, not your lackey. If you worry about me being a mindless servant, well－ [ A nudge, elbow to Joshua's side. ] －I won't be. I was never good at that.
[ Dutiful and committed to doing his part, yes, but never without his opinions. He wouldn't have lasted a day with Rodney Murdoch otherwise, especially given his age. ]
Besides. [ Another nudge. He feels more comfortable with the contact now that he isn't keeping himself on a leash－ or, well. A less careful leash. There's still the inclination to do something more unspeakable, and that instinct is still kept on a short tether. ] I can't refuse what I'm not aware of.
[ "So you can tell me anything," is implied. ]
no subject
It may take me a little time. I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing.
[He isn’t embarrassed to admit it. When would he have had time, really? He spent so long recovering, and then started journeying across the land as soon as he was able. Joshua never had much inclination to brief assignations, and he never stayed long enough in one spot for anything more.
A few small flirtations is the extent of his experience. Not that he wouldn’t have liked more, of course, being a bit of a romantic, but there was always something more important. Clive was always more important.
Which isn’t to say he doesn’t want things. He does, very badly. But finding the words, knowing what to ask for, having the courage for it - that part will be more difficult.]
You’ve already given me more than I ever thought I could have.
no subject
He clears his throat. He, too, has no experience with 'this sort of thing', as Joshua put it. A Bearer for thirteen years after their lives collapsed, and an outlaw for the five following― he's become a stranger to gentle words and gentler touch. The thought that he could be permitted to try his hand at intimacy is overwhelming enough, but the idea of engaging in it with Joshua is...
...a lot. Far too much for him to contend with in this moment. If kissing Joshua felt as perfect as it did, properly touching him might drive Clive mad. ]
―We'll both think on it.
[ His hand is warm in Joshua's, and he gives it one more squeeze before slowly untangling their fingers.
He should feel more sorry for any of this, for all of this. He doesn't. ]
I just ask that you remember that I won't push you away.
no subject
But he knows that isn’t true. Clive would never do something like that, not his kind, steadfast brother. If he says he won’t push Joshua away, then it’s true.]
I’ll remember, but you must, as well.
[He may not be quite as adept at caring for someone as Clive is - but Joshua wants to give him that, too. They’ve already stepped far beyond the bounds of what their relationship should be. Joshua does not intend to hesitate again, not for a moment.
When he chooses a path, he is set, even if it should lead to his own doom.]
Whatever may come of this, know that I love you.
[And that will remain true no matter what might happen.]
no subject
Clive wonders if he hasn't taken that away from Joshua by doing this－ if he hasn't assigned him to a lifetime of looking over his shoulder.
Still, Clive can only tell the truth when Joshua tells him that he's loved. His reply is as simple and earnest as the broad arc of a greatsword. ]
And I, you.
[ Forevermore, he thinks. A bit too on-the-nose; he keeps it to himself. ]
Our fates might not be written, [ in defiance of Ultima, who would have them believe that they're creatures fated to die out, ] but mine is linked, inextricably, to yours.
[ By choice. He smiles, then ruffles Joshua's hair. ]
Now go back to your reading, else I'll stay distracted the rest of the night.
no subject
Either way, he doesn't intend to ever let Clive face Ultima alone.]
You see? I told you if you let me read in here I'd be distracting you all the time.
[He is smiling, teasing affectionately. This wasn't exactly what he'd been thinking, but it ends up the same, doesn't it? Clive, not doing his work, all because of him.
Honestly, Joshua's a bit pleased to be proven right. But then, he's pleased about a lot of things at the moment.]
Go get your work done. I'll try to behave.
[He might be able to actually read now - though he knows he'll still be stealing glances at Clive, marveling that this could have happened. Wondering if it's real, hoping that it remains so. But the book might get some of his attention, at least.]