[That pulls a quiet, surprised laugh from Joshua. Though really, he agrees - as much as he might have looked at Clive and wanted him, the reality is so much more. There may have been some lingering fear in the back of his mind that Clive might have been doing this to placate him, to make him happy, but if there was it's gone now.
Clive kissed him like - like he wanted him, like this was real. Joshua has never been kissed like that before. Or maybe it's just that he's never kissed anyone he wanted so badly before, never kissed someone he believed he could never have. Never kissed Clive. He still feels warm from it, flushed, even a little light-headed.
They probably both need to think about this, about what they're doing. But they've already stepped past the borders of what brothers should do, regardless of what they do from here. Joshua knows it should feel wrong, but he can only be startled by the rightness of it.
He leans in, rests his forehead against Clive's, breathes just for a moment before he speaks again.]
[ Clive feels his face warm, and inwardly kicks himself for the crude nature of his reaction. It wasn't meant to be a regretful fuck― more like a I am overwhelmed kind of fuck. He's quick to correct himself once Joshua offers his response, voice coarse and warm. ]
And neither will I.
[ Again, lest Joshua mistake any of this for some misguided attempt at self-sacrifice or pity. Imperfect being that Clive is, this is yet another choice he's made in defiance of everything; and yet, it doesn't haunt him like some of the others have.
Fingers soothe through Joshua's hair once more, then relent. Clive retracts his touch, retracts from that intimate space, and leans back for a better look at Joshua again from a more polite vantage point. ]
Ever since Phoenix Gate, my heart was always looking for you.
[He looks back at Clive, studying him, really letting himself look for once. Without lying to himself.
Joshua has always known that Clive was handsome. That’s been true since they were both boys, and he’s only grown into it now. They don’t look all that similar, with Joshua’s light hair and thinner frame, and when he was young he wished he looked more like Clive. He doesn’t really anymore - he’d only be a pale imitation of something he hardly wants to look away from.
Clive’s words linger in his mind. I was born for you. He doesn’t want Clive to feel tied to him, but even so the thought of it gives him a selfish, clinging joy. He’s been yearning for Clive all this time, too, wanting so much to be by his side.]
I think perhaps I was born for you, too.
[If it were true, it would only make him happy. If Clive were his other half. He felt it before, in the skies above Twinside, so maybe it is true.]
[ You were always your father's son, Anabella had spat at him. Elwin Rosfield, also bypassed by the Phoenix, who Clive took all of his prominent features from. Now, looking back, it's small wonder why she hated him so vehemently and loved Joshua so ardently.
There's so much more of her, physically, in his brother, but the cosmetic similarities never add up to any sort of resemblance. Joshua wears his gold and grace with the kind of gentle kindness Anabella never possessed; he was, and still is, the most beautiful thing to ever walk this earth. ]
And so, [ he breathes, almost laughing in disbelief. ] Here we are. Together.
[ Crazy. Not a single other soul in the world will celebrate this unholy union between blood, and yet. Now that it's been made manifest through words and touch, Clive has no idea how to put his feelings back into that tightly-packed box again.
So: ]
―Promise me one thing, Joshua.
[ A little thorn, still metaphorically stuck under his skin. ] ...Never tell me that you'll need nothing from me again.
[Joshua’s gaze softens. He wants to reach out, soothe away any pain he might have caused - and he realizes abruptly that he can. That it’s all right if he does, that he doesn’t have to fear his own feelings. For once.
So he takes Clive’s hand, brushing his thumb along the back of it, feeling those sword callouses against his palm.]
I didn’t want you to feel - unsafe with me. [An explanation, but a quiet one, apologetic.] I didn’t think it was fair to want anything from you. I didn’t think it was possible for you to be anything but disgusted with me.
[That he was wrong still feels impossible, like a miracle. Despite everything, Joshua has never really thought of his life as unlucky, cursed - and in this, he feels like he’s received a blessing he could never have hoped for.]
I won’t ever say that again. It was never true anyway. I need you desperately, Clive.
[ Their hands fold together, and Clive feels the same certitude he'd felt on the day Joshua blessed him with the power of the Phoenix. A steady, inextinguishable warmth. ]
Then let me tend to your every need. [ He breathes, squeezing lightly around Joshua's grip. ] We'll need to lie to the world, but we needn't lie to each other.
[ For a given value of lie. Clive, famously bad at not telling the truth, will have to commit to lying by omission; people will see them, presume, and he'll have to stick staunchly to not saying anything at all. It's a terrible thing to have consigned Joshua to, but if anything happens, he'll do exactly as he's already declared: he'll take the blame for everything.
A low exhale later, venting tension, and he tries for something a little lighter. ]
...Though, make no mistake― I'll still insist that you eat your vegetables.
[The same old Clive, the one that Joshua loves so desperately. He can’t help but smile.]
So long as they aren’t carrots. I can handle anything else.
[Joshua cares little for what the world might think of him. His own death has been breathing down his neck for some time now, every time Ultima scratches at its bonds. He’ll never say that to Clive, knowing it would hurt him - but to Joshua, it’s simply how things are. And since that the case, he sees no reason to care overmuch about the condemnation of others.
It is taboo, it is wrong. He’ll keep it a secret, because he would never want Clive to bear the consequences. But Joshua only wants to be happy while he can, wants to hold on to something he never thought possible.]
I never want you to feel like you must do something you don’t want to do in order to make me happy. My needs - [which are suddenly real, suddenly something he can have,] - are not the only thing that should guide us.
[Because kissing is one thing. Joshua’s desires, now that he isn’t looking away from them in fear, go much further.]
[ 'Ill-advised' is probably the most charitable descriptor for what they've gotten themselves into. Clive will have to sit with this for a while, the way he did when he first accepted his role as Ifrit's Dominant, and consider the ramifications of his actions. He won't regret the decision he's made, no, but it's still something that requires a careful touch.
His thumb smooths over Joshua's knuckles. Despite everything, Clive smiles. ]
I'm your brother, not your lackey. If you worry about me being a mindless servant, well－ [ A nudge, elbow to Joshua's side. ] －I won't be. I was never good at that.
[ Dutiful and committed to doing his part, yes, but never without his opinions. He wouldn't have lasted a day with Rodney Murdoch otherwise, especially given his age. ]
Besides. [ Another nudge. He feels more comfortable with the contact now that he isn't keeping himself on a leash－ or, well. A less careful leash. There's still the inclination to do something more unspeakable, and that instinct is still kept on a short tether. ] I can't refuse what I'm not aware of.
[He bumps his elbow against Clive in return. This at least feels normal now - like they can be easy together in a way that was fraught before, even if Joshua didn’t realize Clive might be feeling the same way.]
It may take me a little time. I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing.
[He isn’t embarrassed to admit it. When would he have had time, really? He spent so long recovering, and then started journeying across the land as soon as he was able. Joshua never had much inclination to brief assignations, and he never stayed long enough in one spot for anything more.
A few small flirtations is the extent of his experience. Not that he wouldn’t have liked more, of course, being a bit of a romantic, but there was always something more important. Clive was always more important.
Which isn’t to say he doesn’t want things. He does, very badly. But finding the words, knowing what to ask for, having the courage for it - that part will be more difficult.]
You’ve already given me more than I ever thought I could have.
[ Clive listens, and― oh. Those needs. The context finally hits Clive like a ten-ton anvil, and he sits there, mute, for the second he requires to blink stars out of his eyes.
He clears his throat. He, too, has no experience with 'this sort of thing', as Joshua put it. A Bearer for thirteen years after their lives collapsed, and an outlaw for the five following― he's become a stranger to gentle words and gentler touch. The thought that he could be permitted to try his hand at intimacy is overwhelming enough, but the idea of engaging in it with Joshua is...
...a lot. Far too much for him to contend with in this moment. If kissing Joshua felt as perfect as it did, properly touching him might drive Clive mad. ]
―We'll both think on it.
[ His hand is warm in Joshua's, and he gives it one more squeeze before slowly untangling their fingers.
He should feel more sorry for any of this, for all of this. He doesn't. ]
I just ask that you remember that I won't push you away.
[He lets Clive’s hand go - a little reluctantly, but he does. Some part of Joshua even now has a hard time believing this is real. Like if he lets Clive go, it will disappear, and Clive will never look at him the way he wishes for again.
But he knows that isn’t true. Clive would never do something like that, not his kind, steadfast brother. If he says he won’t push Joshua away, then it’s true.]
I’ll remember, but you must, as well.
[He may not be quite as adept at caring for someone as Clive is - but Joshua wants to give him that, too. They’ve already stepped far beyond the bounds of what their relationship should be. Joshua does not intend to hesitate again, not for a moment.
When he chooses a path, he is set, even if it should lead to his own doom.]
Whatever may come of this, know that I love you.
[And that will remain true no matter what might happen.]
[ Marching ever onwards to their doom is decidedly not the future that Clive wants for Joshua. What he wants for Joshua is freedom from the scrutiny of others, for him to be able to live without bounds and rules to tie him, to live without titles and assumptions that he's beholden to.
Clive wonders if he hasn't taken that away from Joshua by doing this－ if he hasn't assigned him to a lifetime of looking over his shoulder.
Still, Clive can only tell the truth when Joshua tells him that he's loved. His reply is as simple and earnest as the broad arc of a greatsword. ]
And I, you.
[ Forevermore, he thinks. A bit too on-the-nose; he keeps it to himself. ]
Our fates might not be written, [ in defiance of Ultima, who would have them believe that they're creatures fated to die out, ] but mine is linked, inextricably, to yours.
[ By choice. He smiles, then ruffles Joshua's hair. ]
Now go back to your reading, else I'll stay distracted the rest of the night.
[Joshua knows that's true. Whatever may come, however they live their lives, they will always be connected. Not only by their eikons - though the Phoenix and Ifrit are certainly intertwined in a way he doesn't truly understand yet - but by their own choice. They will fight together, now, though Joshua truly hopes they won't die together.
Either way, he doesn't intend to ever let Clive face Ultima alone.]
You see? I told you if you let me read in here I'd be distracting you all the time.
[He is smiling, teasing affectionately. This wasn't exactly what he'd been thinking, but it ends up the same, doesn't it? Clive, not doing his work, all because of him.
Honestly, Joshua's a bit pleased to be proven right. But then, he's pleased about a lot of things at the moment.]
Go get your work done. I'll try to behave.
[He might be able to actually read now - though he knows he'll still be stealing glances at Clive, marveling that this could have happened. Wondering if it's real, hoping that it remains so. But the book might get some of his attention, at least.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Clive kissed him like - like he wanted him, like this was real. Joshua has never been kissed like that before. Or maybe it's just that he's never kissed anyone he wanted so badly before, never kissed someone he believed he could never have. Never kissed Clive. He still feels warm from it, flushed, even a little light-headed.
They probably both need to think about this, about what they're doing. But they've already stepped past the borders of what brothers should do, regardless of what they do from here. Joshua knows it should feel wrong, but he can only be startled by the rightness of it.
He leans in, rests his forehead against Clive's, breathes just for a moment before he speaks again.]
Whatever comes of this, I will never regret that.
no subject
And neither will I.
[ Again, lest Joshua mistake any of this for some misguided attempt at self-sacrifice or pity. Imperfect being that Clive is, this is yet another choice he's made in defiance of everything; and yet, it doesn't haunt him like some of the others have.
Fingers soothe through Joshua's hair once more, then relent. Clive retracts his touch, retracts from that intimate space, and leans back for a better look at Joshua again from a more polite vantage point. ]
Ever since Phoenix Gate, my heart was always looking for you.
no subject
Joshua has always known that Clive was handsome. That’s been true since they were both boys, and he’s only grown into it now. They don’t look all that similar, with Joshua’s light hair and thinner frame, and when he was young he wished he looked more like Clive. He doesn’t really anymore - he’d only be a pale imitation of something he hardly wants to look away from.
Clive’s words linger in his mind. I was born for you. He doesn’t want Clive to feel tied to him, but even so the thought of it gives him a selfish, clinging joy. He’s been yearning for Clive all this time, too, wanting so much to be by his side.]
I think perhaps I was born for you, too.
[If it were true, it would only make him happy. If Clive were his other half. He felt it before, in the skies above Twinside, so maybe it is true.]
no subject
There's so much more of her, physically, in his brother, but the cosmetic similarities never add up to any sort of resemblance. Joshua wears his gold and grace with the kind of gentle kindness Anabella never possessed; he was, and still is, the most beautiful thing to ever walk this earth. ]
And so, [ he breathes, almost laughing in disbelief. ] Here we are. Together.
[ Crazy. Not a single other soul in the world will celebrate this unholy union between blood, and yet. Now that it's been made manifest through words and touch, Clive has no idea how to put his feelings back into that tightly-packed box again.
So: ]
―Promise me one thing, Joshua.
[ A little thorn, still metaphorically stuck under his skin. ] ...Never tell me that you'll need nothing from me again.
no subject
So he takes Clive’s hand, brushing his thumb along the back of it, feeling those sword callouses against his palm.]
I didn’t want you to feel - unsafe with me. [An explanation, but a quiet one, apologetic.] I didn’t think it was fair to want anything from you. I didn’t think it was possible for you to be anything but disgusted with me.
[That he was wrong still feels impossible, like a miracle. Despite everything, Joshua has never really thought of his life as unlucky, cursed - and in this, he feels like he’s received a blessing he could never have hoped for.]
I won’t ever say that again. It was never true anyway. I need you desperately, Clive.
no subject
Then let me tend to your every need. [ He breathes, squeezing lightly around Joshua's grip. ] We'll need to lie to the world, but we needn't lie to each other.
[ For a given value of lie. Clive, famously bad at not telling the truth, will have to commit to lying by omission; people will see them, presume, and he'll have to stick staunchly to not saying anything at all. It's a terrible thing to have consigned Joshua to, but if anything happens, he'll do exactly as he's already declared: he'll take the blame for everything.
A low exhale later, venting tension, and he tries for something a little lighter. ]
...Though, make no mistake― I'll still insist that you eat your vegetables.
[ Same old Clive. ]
no subject
So long as they aren’t carrots. I can handle anything else.
[Joshua cares little for what the world might think of him. His own death has been breathing down his neck for some time now, every time Ultima scratches at its bonds. He’ll never say that to Clive, knowing it would hurt him - but to Joshua, it’s simply how things are. And since that the case, he sees no reason to care overmuch about the condemnation of others.
It is taboo, it is wrong. He’ll keep it a secret, because he would never want Clive to bear the consequences. But Joshua only wants to be happy while he can, wants to hold on to something he never thought possible.]
I never want you to feel like you must do something you don’t want to do in order to make me happy. My needs - [which are suddenly real, suddenly something he can have,] - are not the only thing that should guide us.
[Because kissing is one thing. Joshua’s desires, now that he isn’t looking away from them in fear, go much further.]
no subject
His thumb smooths over Joshua's knuckles. Despite everything, Clive smiles. ]
I'm your brother, not your lackey. If you worry about me being a mindless servant, well－ [ A nudge, elbow to Joshua's side. ] －I won't be. I was never good at that.
[ Dutiful and committed to doing his part, yes, but never without his opinions. He wouldn't have lasted a day with Rodney Murdoch otherwise, especially given his age. ]
Besides. [ Another nudge. He feels more comfortable with the contact now that he isn't keeping himself on a leash－ or, well. A less careful leash. There's still the inclination to do something more unspeakable, and that instinct is still kept on a short tether. ] I can't refuse what I'm not aware of.
[ "So you can tell me anything," is implied. ]
no subject
It may take me a little time. I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing.
[He isn’t embarrassed to admit it. When would he have had time, really? He spent so long recovering, and then started journeying across the land as soon as he was able. Joshua never had much inclination to brief assignations, and he never stayed long enough in one spot for anything more.
A few small flirtations is the extent of his experience. Not that he wouldn’t have liked more, of course, being a bit of a romantic, but there was always something more important. Clive was always more important.
Which isn’t to say he doesn’t want things. He does, very badly. But finding the words, knowing what to ask for, having the courage for it - that part will be more difficult.]
You’ve already given me more than I ever thought I could have.
no subject
He clears his throat. He, too, has no experience with 'this sort of thing', as Joshua put it. A Bearer for thirteen years after their lives collapsed, and an outlaw for the five following― he's become a stranger to gentle words and gentler touch. The thought that he could be permitted to try his hand at intimacy is overwhelming enough, but the idea of engaging in it with Joshua is...
...a lot. Far too much for him to contend with in this moment. If kissing Joshua felt as perfect as it did, properly touching him might drive Clive mad. ]
―We'll both think on it.
[ His hand is warm in Joshua's, and he gives it one more squeeze before slowly untangling their fingers.
He should feel more sorry for any of this, for all of this. He doesn't. ]
I just ask that you remember that I won't push you away.
no subject
But he knows that isn’t true. Clive would never do something like that, not his kind, steadfast brother. If he says he won’t push Joshua away, then it’s true.]
I’ll remember, but you must, as well.
[He may not be quite as adept at caring for someone as Clive is - but Joshua wants to give him that, too. They’ve already stepped far beyond the bounds of what their relationship should be. Joshua does not intend to hesitate again, not for a moment.
When he chooses a path, he is set, even if it should lead to his own doom.]
Whatever may come of this, know that I love you.
[And that will remain true no matter what might happen.]
no subject
Clive wonders if he hasn't taken that away from Joshua by doing this－ if he hasn't assigned him to a lifetime of looking over his shoulder.
Still, Clive can only tell the truth when Joshua tells him that he's loved. His reply is as simple and earnest as the broad arc of a greatsword. ]
And I, you.
[ Forevermore, he thinks. A bit too on-the-nose; he keeps it to himself. ]
Our fates might not be written, [ in defiance of Ultima, who would have them believe that they're creatures fated to die out, ] but mine is linked, inextricably, to yours.
[ By choice. He smiles, then ruffles Joshua's hair. ]
Now go back to your reading, else I'll stay distracted the rest of the night.
no subject
Either way, he doesn't intend to ever let Clive face Ultima alone.]
You see? I told you if you let me read in here I'd be distracting you all the time.
[He is smiling, teasing affectionately. This wasn't exactly what he'd been thinking, but it ends up the same, doesn't it? Clive, not doing his work, all because of him.
Honestly, Joshua's a bit pleased to be proven right. But then, he's pleased about a lot of things at the moment.]
Go get your work done. I'll try to behave.
[He might be able to actually read now - though he knows he'll still be stealing glances at Clive, marveling that this could have happened. Wondering if it's real, hoping that it remains so. But the book might get some of his attention, at least.]