[Unfair, really, how easy it is for Clive to disarm him. Just a smile, that's really all it takes. When Clive looks at him like that, with that sort of fondness, it's impossible for Joshua to look anywhere else.
There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
[ Joshua tugs, and Clive interprets it as wanting his hand back. He relinquishes it, but also obliges the other implicit request to get up off of the floor. A quick dusting of his knees, and he stands tall again.
This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
[He knows he probably ought to let Clive go. Clive surely has a hundred things to do, a hundred more people looking for a moment of his time. Joshua doesn’t actually have more of a claim on him than anyone else - even if he feels like he does.
And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
[ Slightly taken aback by the unexpected follow-up, Clive pauses for the beat it takes for his eyes to widen and his brows to lift.
(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
[Joshua notices that, and he - almost says something. He catches his tongue just in time. He shouldn't, should he? As much as he desires Clive's affection, as much as each touch means to him, he can only demand so much. He's no longer an innocent child who can cling to his brother without excuse - not that he really could even then, not with their mother looking on. He knows what it means to do it now, even if he shies away from admitting it even to himself.]
I won't think less of you.
[He does see his brother's faults, despite his adoration - especially Clive's self-sacrificing nature, his innate sense of duty. A good quality on the surface, perhaps, but one that's made itself at home in every part of his life. In truth, as lighthearted as Joshua has tried to keep their interactions, it frustrates him.
Clive, of all people, deserves to be selfish. Perhaps this just means that Joshua will have to coax him into it, while they travel.]
But I certainly look forward to seeing your pettiness. Somehow I think our definitions might be somewhat different.
[ His brother, his world. Thirteen years of grief, five years of hoping against hope; Clive won't mire Joshua in his self-pity, not after everything they've both been through, not after everything they've done to find each other.
The corner of his lips curl. Bedsprings creak beneath his weight again, making discarded armor parts clink just to his side. ]
We'll compare notes later. [ Joshua, of course, is free to critique Clive's definition of 'petty'. It's a gentle way to close that leg of the conversation, and an implicit promise that there will be a 'later'. ] But first―
[ Before he forgets: he fishes out three packages from one of his larger travel packs. Two of them are clearly books wrapped in protective leather― one is a well-loved hardcover that chronicles beloved Dhalmek folktales (Clive's choice), and the other is something titled "Desert Heat" that Clive hasn't had a chance to flip though (L'ubor's choice)― while the third is a small parcel with spice cookies that have miraculously survived the trip back from Dalimil. ]
[Joshua brightens immediately. He'd forgotten he'd requested books, he'd forgotten Clive mentioned bringing anything back at all. That Clive remembered is - well, not surprising at all, really, but a true delight for Joshua. He inspects the books, already looking forward to spending the evening reading.
The folktales - that's exactly the sort of thing he likes to read. He does always read such things with an eye to myth and legend that might reveal real secrets of the past, those who came before, Ultima. But he also does it just because he likes to, and even if no secrets reveal themselves, it's more than worth the time.
The other book is more of a surprise, and as Joshua inspects it, he can't hold back his laughter.]
Clive! I didn't know you had a taste for such things.
[Not that Joshua isn't going to read it... he definitely will.]
'The young priest flushed as he viewed the trickle of water down the bandit's magnificent thews. At the mercy of the lustful whims of the outlaw who had captured him, he was beginning to realize that what he should fear most were his own desires.' Oh, excellent!
[ 'A taste for what???', is what Clive's tipped head and one raised brow suggests, looking every bit like Torgal when the hound doesn't understand a command. The confusion is quickly subsumed by recognition, which makes way for a more powerfully obvious sentiment: mortification.
He can feel his face redden. Heat spreads from his cheeks to his ears. ]
L'ubor. [ Both by way of explanation, and to add: ] Founder, I should kill him.
[ A threat with absolutely no teeth. There's not a chance in hell that Clive would actually harm the guy, but L'ubor absolutely has to pay for the crime of making Joshua say the words 'lustful whims' in front of Clive.
He clears his throat. Offers a hand. ] I'll take that off your hands. [ Not because Joshua isn't already a grown-ass man that can read erotica if he wants, but because the thought of having gifted erotica to his beloved brother is, again, mortifying. ]
Absolutely not. [He pulls the book close.] You can't take back a gift once it's given. I must discover whether the priest and the bandit ever confess their love.
[Joshua, on the other hand, owes L'ubor a thank you. For the look on Clive's face, for the red on his cheeks. He's sure the man just wanted to embarrass Clive - and if so, he's succeeded - but it's certainly lightened Joshua's mood, too.
Besides. He does kind of want to read it.]
You'll have to go back and ask for another recommendation for yourself. [A joke, of course, but then Joshua considers Clive actually doing it, and the remote possibility that it isn't just L'ubor causing trouble, but some sort of odd flirtation - unlikely, but what if it was? Maybe it's the book giving him strange ideas. Still...] ...on second thought, safer not to. Who knows what you might get.
[ Joshua, Clive mouths, but the chiding never makes it past a soft whistle of breath that dies in the back of his throat. As embarrassing as it is to have been suckered so thoroughly by L'ubor, if Joshua is pleased by the offering―
―well. Clive can't complain overmuch. Perhaps later, in hindsight, he'll be thankful to the Desert Hare for injecting some well-needed levity into their lives, but for now: ]
Better not to risk it. [ A long sigh, as he sets the parcel of cookies on top of a nearby stack of books. ] If I want books, I'll speak to Harpocrates.
[ Who will be very sensible about recommendations, and will not leave Clive worrying about gray hairs. ]
―Which reminds me. If ever you want a quiet place to read, [ which is not always the case with the Infirmary, with Tarja bringing in patients in varying levels of criticality, ] you're welcome to use my quarters.
[Joshua had been hoping - maybe planning - on getting his own room before long, but if he's being realistic, he knows he'll probably be spending a certain amount of time in the infirmary regardless. And it isn't the most relaxing place, it's true.]
Are you sure? I might end up in there often. I don't want to distract you.
[He knows Clive has plenty of things to do - letters to read and write, plans to make. But he also doesn't want to refuse.
Joshua knows that he's not really the best judge of what might be considered normal in a sibling relationship. He doesn't want to do anything that will make Clive uncomfortable, or infringe on his privacy - but the truth is, the idea of just existing in the same space as him, reading quietly while he works on whatever needs his attention, is a very appealing one. He doesn't know if it's strange to think that, if he's being overly attached. But Clive offered, so - maybe he shouldn't overthink it.]
So you say. I think I've missed your hovering, [ is Clive's simple, sincere objection. He can't recall a single moment in his childhood when Joshua's presence had been unwelcome in any context, despite the conspiratorial whispers that always surrounded them: poor Clive, the eldest son who was bypassed by the Phoenix. I would resent my brother if I were him.Poor Clive, whose mother treats him like the dirt beneath her shoe. I wonder if he doesn't hate Joshua so for taking all her love.
The truth is that he never related to poor Clive at all. Sometimes he would turn around during training and find Joshua perched on a bench, waving at him with his smile like sunlight; in those moments, no insult or injury in the world could touch him. ]
What's mine is yours. You've no need to worry.
[ This time, the palm makes its way on Joshua's hair. Gentle, encouraging. ]
[He wants to lean into that touch, into Clive. He doesn't allow himself, because he wants it too much. That, he knows, isn't normal.
He could adore his brother, to the point of hero worship, as he did when he was young. He could follow him around, despite Anabella's open disapproval. He could fight for Clive, face Ultima for him, spend years tracing hidden patterns into the depths of history. Some of it can't quite be called normal, but nothing about their lives has been normal.
But wanting his touch as much as Joshua does is a step too far. Even he, with such little experience with a normal life, knows that very well. And the last thing in the world he could ever want is for Clive to be disgusted by him.]
Don't forget you said that when I fall asleep reading and you have to listen to me snore.
[He keeps his voice lighthearted, to hide the tremor in his heart. It's true, anyway - when Joshua's not feeling well, he falls asleep while reading easily and often. He's not sure about the snoring, but Clive deserves a warning anyway.]
[ Blond hair, soft to the touch. It's this, alongside sense memories of Joshua's hand in his and the warmth of the Phoenix's blessing, that had kept Clive human for the thirteen years that he'd spent as 'Wyvern'.
He combs his fingers through long bangs, sweeping strands away from his brother's lashes. A beautiful young man, by every metric. Clive is proud of him, is sworn to him―
―and thus, he must protect his brother from everything, including himself. Particularly himself. But Clive is only a man, and he grazes his touch behind one of Joshua's perfect ears for a whisper of a moment, tucking a piece of hair behind it before finally relinquishing his touch.
He hates himself for it, but his blood burns hotter in his chest. A beat, and his lips quirk into a half-smile. Trying to play it off. ]
You'll make me. [ He huffs, amused. ] I look forward to you trying, Your Grace.
[ A theatrical bow of his head, in perfectly practiced court manners. (As if he wouldn't bend the moment Joshua demanded anything of him; he'll eat his own words, later.) ]
[If it were anyone else in the world, then that careful movement, that gentle touch might be read as flirtation. In truth, Joshua has little experience with romance, but he's been roaming the world for some time - he's not unfamiliar with that sort of regard. He's received his share of lingering looks and casual touches, even if he rarely chose to respond.
But this is Clive, so Joshua knows that isn't the case. He knows the way it makes him feel is unintentional, that Clive looks at him and thinks only of his little brother. Of family. As he should, of course. It's Joshua who is - confused.
So he raises his chin, returning to levity, if only so that his confusion can pass. If only so that he doesn't feel such a rush of - something, whenever Clive touches him.
He's not so foolish as to not realize it's desire. But naming it, even to himself, is too dangerous.]
I've developed plenty of new tricks while we were parted. You'll see. I will be very bothersome.
[He looks at the books piled next to the bed, Clive's armor arranged on formerly clean sheets, his brother sitting next to him. He didn't know if he could ever have something like this again. He doesn't want to ruin it.]
Will you show me? I haven't seen your quarters yet.
[ The tension comes and goes; it's back to balance, even though the fire in Clive's chest reaches desperately towards the familiar figure sitting next to him. He knows what it is, he knows how it feels, and knows how ruinous it could be (it is).
A low breath, in and out, and he stands up. He lets the fire burn a little lower, and instead, focuses on how it still makes his heart twist into happy knots whenever Joshua asks him for anything at all. ]
Of course. [ To 'will you show me'. He starts to gather his armor, lest he give Tarja more reasons to yell at him later (fighting a losing war). ] I'd like that.
[ A lopsided smile, as he offers one hand. ] I'll even carry some of your books over.
[Joshua selects only a few books - one of them the book of folktales Clive gave him. He leaves the erotica, as curious as he is. He expects it'll be more silly than spicy, but better to read it in private, just in case.]
I really ought to give some of these back to Harpocrates. But your quarters are closer, so that's progress, right?
[Though he's unwilling to make Clive carry too much when he has all that armor to worry about too, Joshua still can't quite turn him down. Is it selfish of him to enjoy when Clive does these small things for him? He can't help feeling happy, even if it is. In the end, he only gives Clive two books to carry, and takes the rest of his small stack himself.
He also takes the cookies. He hasn't forgotten about them - though he does intend to talk Clive into eating at least one.]
It'll be nice to spend some time out of the infirmary.
[ He's been deprived of the chance to mother hen (brother chicken???) Joshua for the past eighteen years― like he'd said before, Clive would be hurt if Joshua deprived him of the opportunity now.
Armor and books in hand, Clive readies them to leave. Not without a brief, almost mischievous hike of his brow first, however. ]
Hm. [ Leaning in, he sniffs at Joshua's collar. ] ―It'll do you good. Stay here any longer, and you'll have the scent of poultice on you permanently.
[ No disrespect meant to Tarja's ointments, which constantly save lives. A wink later, and Clive is heading out of the infirmary, gesturing for Joshua to follow him out and across the length of the Hideaway, past Otto and Vivian and the rest. More than a few curious eyes track their journey, but he pays them no mind. ]
[Laughing, he waves Clive off a little - hopefully he doesn't smell like anything, but he has spent nearly all his time in the infirmary since he arrived. It'll change, he tells himself, now that he's feeling better.
He walks with Clive, aware of the attention they get. Joshua likes seeing the place Clive's made for himself, the people who respect and love him, the safety and happiness here despite everything. He had hoped for something like this for Clive, who deserves all the love the world could possibly give him.]
Hmm, they might be a bit jealous I'm taking so much of your time.
[Said lightly, but not without a touch of real concern. He'd thought before that he should let Clive work - well, this is a bit of progress, isn't it?]
You ought to hear them talk about you when you're not here. They adore you.
[ A light puff of laughter, and then: ] You've always tried to convince me of my popularity, even when we were children.
[ In hindsight, Clive wonders if he'd invited it: did he truly seem so in need of his brother's affirmations? He knows that Joshua gripped his small hands tight whenever they were both in the presence of their mother, and that his young age didn't preclude him from hearing the gossip among castle walls. It breaks his heart to think of Joshua simply not knowing what to do with the information of his failed elder sibling, and doing what he could to reassure Clive that he was wanted.
Still, he's not so uncouth as to dismiss kindness from his brother, so: ]
But, yes. I do like to think that they tolerate me. [ A small smile, as he steps out of the way of the twins chasing Torgal across the walkways. ] Though I doubt they're jealous, and only curious to know more about you.
[ The Phoenix, and the rightful heir to Rosaria's throne. The bard must be hard at work composing sonnets about him. ]
[Of course he heard the whispers - how could he not? And he heard the things their mother said about Clive, especially since she was sometimes saying them directly to Joshua. She never liked how much Joshua admired him, but none of her subtle or not-so-subtle remarks made a dent in Joshua's feelings. They only confused him, and when he was old enough to understand a little better, they made him worry.
He didn't understand why she didn't love Clive. To Joshua, everything about Clive is so obviously worth loving. He worried about that - that Clive would not know he was loved, that he might think everyone felt the same way about him that Anabella did. He was too young to do more than small, childish things. But he tried the best he could.]
There isn't much to tell. Lost royalty that turns out to have been alive the whole time is a very romantic thought, but mostly I just traveled dusty roads and read dusty books. They'll be very bored once they learn the truth.
[He has done more than that... but mostly those are the stories he doesn't want to tell. Great victories over eldritch horrors are all well and good until they're stuck in your chest slowly destroying you.]
[ Gentle, lionhearted Joshua. Clive knows that he simply wouldn't be the person he is now were it not for Joshua lighting his way in every dark situation, being the bolster and catalyst for every trial he's ever had to face.
So he pauses when his brother mentions that anything about what he's been doing for the past eighteen years could ever be boring. Joshua could have been collecting mud samples in Rosarian marshes all that time, and Clive would have happily given anything in the world to have been waist-deep in sludge with him. ]
You're a marvel, Joshua. [ Chiding, but warmly. ] And if anyone complains to you about being bored, come tell your stories to me.
[ Clive wants to hear every single one. A gentle nudge, elbow to elbow, and he starts walking again, nodding at Goetz and Charon as they make their way towards his quarters (the former waves emphatically at the both of them for a moment, then gasps and quickly turns to the latter with a sheepish "oh no! Nan, is it bad manners to wave at royalty?"). ]
[Quietly delighted, Joshua can't help waving back. It's odd but pleasant to be somewhere where people know who he is - for years, the only time that's happened has been in the presence of the Undying. Which is an entirely different, sometimes odd experience. He's not really Joshua Rosfield to them, either, but rather the vessel of the Phoenix.]
I want to hear your stories as well. Everything I've missed.
[He knows some of them, from afar, but he's certain Clive's stories will tell him much more. And he wants to know more than the obvious heroics - he wants to know the little things. How Clive spends his days between world-changing missions, what sort of friends he's made in his travels across Storm.
Joshua wishes he had been there. He's done important work meanwhile - quietly, in the shadows, in archives and ruins and whispers. But now that he's by Clive's side again, it's impossible not to wish that he'd been there the whole time. Clive looks after everyone else, including Joshua. Joshua ought to have been here to look after him in return.
[ (Goetz, delighted by Joshua's delight, raises his hand to do another waveback, but winds up knocking down a basket full of coiled steelsilk in the process. "Careful, you clumsy lump!" Charon grouses, with more affection than anger.)
Just another day in the Hideaway, speaking of silly things. Clive smiles about it, happy to see his brother being woven into the fabric of the everyday; it's more than he could ever have asked for.
They keep moving, past two women who start murmuring animatedly to each other when they get a glimpse of Joshua― Clive can make out "so handsome!" among the chatter― and a day-drunk Cursebreaker (Otto is going to give him hell about it later). ]
I can think of more than a few. [ Like the time he journeyed halfway across the continent to pick flowers for a stew that he's too scared to try, still. ] But I should tell you about how I reunited with a certain white-feathered chocobo, first. She'll be keen to see you again.
[ Up the stairs leading to Clive's room they go; he opens the door for Joshua with a flourish. ]
Ambrosia? [He can't quite believe it, and he smiles, impossibly pleased by the thought.] I can't wait to see her again. She used to put up with me bothering her all the time - she was such a lovely creature.
[Patient, too. Joshua will have to find some treats before they meet, so he can win her affection again.
He enters Clive's rooms. He's struck first by the space, but then, Clive is their leader here. He's earned it. Even so, it's - oddly cozy. Clearly a place for someone to live, not just work. A desk, a sofa, a bed. Far less books than Joshua would have in his own room, of course, but one can't have everything.
His eyes are quickly drawn to the table opposite the door, against the wall, and the objects scattered on it. He can't see what they all are from here, and it's a trial to suppress his curiosity. Joshua instantly wants to poke around, learn everything he can, marvel over the life Clive has made for himself. He refrains, because Clive deserves some privacy.]
It's not at all what I expected. You've so much room! You'll hardly notice me taking up space at all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
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This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
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And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
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(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
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I won't think less of you.
[He does see his brother's faults, despite his adoration - especially Clive's self-sacrificing nature, his innate sense of duty. A good quality on the surface, perhaps, but one that's made itself at home in every part of his life. In truth, as lighthearted as Joshua has tried to keep their interactions, it frustrates him.
Clive, of all people, deserves to be selfish. Perhaps this just means that Joshua will have to coax him into it, while they travel.]
But I certainly look forward to seeing your pettiness. Somehow I think our definitions might be somewhat different.
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The corner of his lips curl. Bedsprings creak beneath his weight again, making discarded armor parts clink just to his side. ]
We'll compare notes later. [ Joshua, of course, is free to critique Clive's definition of 'petty'. It's a gentle way to close that leg of the conversation, and an implicit promise that there will be a 'later'. ] But first―
[ Before he forgets: he fishes out three packages from one of his larger travel packs. Two of them are clearly books wrapped in protective leather― one is a well-loved hardcover that chronicles beloved Dhalmek folktales (Clive's choice), and the other is something titled "Desert Heat" that Clive hasn't had a chance to flip though (L'ubor's choice)― while the third is a small parcel with spice cookies that have miraculously survived the trip back from Dalimil. ]
Your gifts.
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The folktales - that's exactly the sort of thing he likes to read. He does always read such things with an eye to myth and legend that might reveal real secrets of the past, those who came before, Ultima. But he also does it just because he likes to, and even if no secrets reveal themselves, it's more than worth the time.
The other book is more of a surprise, and as Joshua inspects it, he can't hold back his laughter.]
Clive! I didn't know you had a taste for such things.
[Not that Joshua isn't going to read it... he definitely will.]
'The young priest flushed as he viewed the trickle of water down the bandit's magnificent thews. At the mercy of the lustful whims of the outlaw who had captured him, he was beginning to realize that what he should fear most were his own desires.' Oh, excellent!
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He can feel his face redden. Heat spreads from his cheeks to his ears. ]
L'ubor. [ Both by way of explanation, and to add: ] Founder, I should kill him.
[ A threat with absolutely no teeth. There's not a chance in hell that Clive would actually harm the guy, but L'ubor absolutely has to pay for the crime of making Joshua say the words 'lustful whims' in front of Clive.
He clears his throat. Offers a hand. ] I'll take that off your hands. [ Not because Joshua isn't already a grown-ass man that can read erotica if he wants, but because the thought of having gifted erotica to his beloved brother is, again, mortifying. ]
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[Joshua, on the other hand, owes L'ubor a thank you. For the look on Clive's face, for the red on his cheeks. He's sure the man just wanted to embarrass Clive - and if so, he's succeeded - but it's certainly lightened Joshua's mood, too.
Besides. He does kind of want to read it.]
You'll have to go back and ask for another recommendation for yourself. [A joke, of course, but then Joshua considers Clive actually doing it, and the remote possibility that it isn't just L'ubor causing trouble, but some sort of odd flirtation - unlikely, but what if it was? Maybe it's the book giving him strange ideas. Still...] ...on second thought, safer not to. Who knows what you might get.
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―well. Clive can't complain overmuch. Perhaps later, in hindsight, he'll be thankful to the Desert Hare for injecting some well-needed levity into their lives, but for now: ]
Better not to risk it. [ A long sigh, as he sets the parcel of cookies on top of a nearby stack of books. ] If I want books, I'll speak to Harpocrates.
[ Who will be very sensible about recommendations, and will not leave Clive worrying about gray hairs. ]
―Which reminds me. If ever you want a quiet place to read, [ which is not always the case with the Infirmary, with Tarja bringing in patients in varying levels of criticality, ] you're welcome to use my quarters.
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Are you sure? I might end up in there often. I don't want to distract you.
[He knows Clive has plenty of things to do - letters to read and write, plans to make. But he also doesn't want to refuse.
Joshua knows that he's not really the best judge of what might be considered normal in a sibling relationship. He doesn't want to do anything that will make Clive uncomfortable, or infringe on his privacy - but the truth is, the idea of just existing in the same space as him, reading quietly while he works on whatever needs his attention, is a very appealing one. He doesn't know if it's strange to think that, if he's being overly attached. But Clive offered, so - maybe he shouldn't overthink it.]
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The truth is that he never related to poor Clive at all. Sometimes he would turn around during training and find Joshua perched on a bench, waving at him with his smile like sunlight; in those moments, no insult or injury in the world could touch him. ]
What's mine is yours. You've no need to worry.
[ This time, the palm makes its way on Joshua's hair. Gentle, encouraging. ]
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He could adore his brother, to the point of hero worship, as he did when he was young. He could follow him around, despite Anabella's open disapproval. He could fight for Clive, face Ultima for him, spend years tracing hidden patterns into the depths of history. Some of it can't quite be called normal, but nothing about their lives has been normal.
But wanting his touch as much as Joshua does is a step too far. Even he, with such little experience with a normal life, knows that very well. And the last thing in the world he could ever want is for Clive to be disgusted by him.]
Don't forget you said that when I fall asleep reading and you have to listen to me snore.
[He keeps his voice lighthearted, to hide the tremor in his heart. It's true, anyway - when Joshua's not feeling well, he falls asleep while reading easily and often. He's not sure about the snoring, but Clive deserves a warning anyway.]
I'll make you take breaks, too.
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He combs his fingers through long bangs, sweeping strands away from his brother's lashes. A beautiful young man, by every metric. Clive is proud of him, is sworn to him―
―and thus, he must protect his brother from everything, including himself. Particularly himself. But Clive is only a man, and he grazes his touch behind one of Joshua's perfect ears for a whisper of a moment, tucking a piece of hair behind it before finally relinquishing his touch.
He hates himself for it, but his blood burns hotter in his chest. A beat, and his lips quirk into a half-smile. Trying to play it off. ]
You'll make me. [ He huffs, amused. ] I look forward to you trying, Your Grace.
[ A theatrical bow of his head, in perfectly practiced court manners. (As if he wouldn't bend the moment Joshua demanded anything of him; he'll eat his own words, later.) ]
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But this is Clive, so Joshua knows that isn't the case. He knows the way it makes him feel is unintentional, that Clive looks at him and thinks only of his little brother. Of family. As he should, of course. It's Joshua who is - confused.
So he raises his chin, returning to levity, if only so that his confusion can pass. If only so that he doesn't feel such a rush of - something, whenever Clive touches him.
He's not so foolish as to not realize it's desire. But naming it, even to himself, is too dangerous.]
I've developed plenty of new tricks while we were parted. You'll see. I will be very bothersome.
[He looks at the books piled next to the bed, Clive's armor arranged on formerly clean sheets, his brother sitting next to him. He didn't know if he could ever have something like this again. He doesn't want to ruin it.]
Will you show me? I haven't seen your quarters yet.
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A low breath, in and out, and he stands up. He lets the fire burn a little lower, and instead, focuses on how it still makes his heart twist into happy knots whenever Joshua asks him for anything at all. ]
Of course. [ To 'will you show me'. He starts to gather his armor, lest he give Tarja more reasons to yell at him later (fighting a losing war). ] I'd like that.
[ A lopsided smile, as he offers one hand. ] I'll even carry some of your books over.
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I really ought to give some of these back to Harpocrates. But your quarters are closer, so that's progress, right?
[Though he's unwilling to make Clive carry too much when he has all that armor to worry about too, Joshua still can't quite turn him down. Is it selfish of him to enjoy when Clive does these small things for him? He can't help feeling happy, even if it is. In the end, he only gives Clive two books to carry, and takes the rest of his small stack himself.
He also takes the cookies. He hasn't forgotten about them - though he does intend to talk Clive into eating at least one.]
It'll be nice to spend some time out of the infirmary.
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Armor and books in hand, Clive readies them to leave. Not without a brief, almost mischievous hike of his brow first, however. ]
Hm. [ Leaning in, he sniffs at Joshua's collar. ] ―It'll do you good. Stay here any longer, and you'll have the scent of poultice on you permanently.
[ No disrespect meant to Tarja's ointments, which constantly save lives. A wink later, and Clive is heading out of the infirmary, gesturing for Joshua to follow him out and across the length of the Hideaway, past Otto and Vivian and the rest. More than a few curious eyes track their journey, but he pays them no mind. ]
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He walks with Clive, aware of the attention they get. Joshua likes seeing the place Clive's made for himself, the people who respect and love him, the safety and happiness here despite everything. He had hoped for something like this for Clive, who deserves all the love the world could possibly give him.]
Hmm, they might be a bit jealous I'm taking so much of your time.
[Said lightly, but not without a touch of real concern. He'd thought before that he should let Clive work - well, this is a bit of progress, isn't it?]
You ought to hear them talk about you when you're not here. They adore you.
[A very relatable feeling.]
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[ In hindsight, Clive wonders if he'd invited it: did he truly seem so in need of his brother's affirmations? He knows that Joshua gripped his small hands tight whenever they were both in the presence of their mother, and that his young age didn't preclude him from hearing the gossip among castle walls. It breaks his heart to think of Joshua simply not knowing what to do with the information of his failed elder sibling, and doing what he could to reassure Clive that he was wanted.
Still, he's not so uncouth as to dismiss kindness from his brother, so: ]
But, yes. I do like to think that they tolerate me. [ A small smile, as he steps out of the way of the twins chasing Torgal across the walkways. ] Though I doubt they're jealous, and only curious to know more about you.
[ The Phoenix, and the rightful heir to Rosaria's throne. The bard must be hard at work composing sonnets about him. ]
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[Of course he heard the whispers - how could he not? And he heard the things their mother said about Clive, especially since she was sometimes saying them directly to Joshua. She never liked how much Joshua admired him, but none of her subtle or not-so-subtle remarks made a dent in Joshua's feelings. They only confused him, and when he was old enough to understand a little better, they made him worry.
He didn't understand why she didn't love Clive. To Joshua, everything about Clive is so obviously worth loving. He worried about that - that Clive would not know he was loved, that he might think everyone felt the same way about him that Anabella did. He was too young to do more than small, childish things. But he tried the best he could.]
There isn't much to tell. Lost royalty that turns out to have been alive the whole time is a very romantic thought, but mostly I just traveled dusty roads and read dusty books. They'll be very bored once they learn the truth.
[He has done more than that... but mostly those are the stories he doesn't want to tell. Great victories over eldritch horrors are all well and good until they're stuck in your chest slowly destroying you.]
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So he pauses when his brother mentions that anything about what he's been doing for the past eighteen years could ever be boring. Joshua could have been collecting mud samples in Rosarian marshes all that time, and Clive would have happily given anything in the world to have been waist-deep in sludge with him. ]
You're a marvel, Joshua. [ Chiding, but warmly. ] And if anyone complains to you about being bored, come tell your stories to me.
[ Clive wants to hear every single one. A gentle nudge, elbow to elbow, and he starts walking again, nodding at Goetz and Charon as they make their way towards his quarters (the former waves emphatically at the both of them for a moment, then gasps and quickly turns to the latter with a sheepish "oh no! Nan, is it bad manners to wave at royalty?"). ]
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I want to hear your stories as well. Everything I've missed.
[He knows some of them, from afar, but he's certain Clive's stories will tell him much more. And he wants to know more than the obvious heroics - he wants to know the little things. How Clive spends his days between world-changing missions, what sort of friends he's made in his travels across Storm.
Joshua wishes he had been there. He's done important work meanwhile - quietly, in the shadows, in archives and ruins and whispers. But now that he's by Clive's side again, it's impossible not to wish that he'd been there the whole time. Clive looks after everyone else, including Joshua. Joshua ought to have been here to look after him in return.
He'll do it now.]
Even the silly things. Especially those.
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Just another day in the Hideaway, speaking of silly things. Clive smiles about it, happy to see his brother being woven into the fabric of the everyday; it's more than he could ever have asked for.
They keep moving, past two women who start murmuring animatedly to each other when they get a glimpse of Joshua― Clive can make out "so handsome!" among the chatter― and a day-drunk Cursebreaker (Otto is going to give him hell about it later). ]
I can think of more than a few. [ Like the time he journeyed halfway across the continent to pick flowers for a stew that he's too scared to try, still. ] But I should tell you about how I reunited with a certain white-feathered chocobo, first. She'll be keen to see you again.
[ Up the stairs leading to Clive's room they go; he opens the door for Joshua with a flourish. ]
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[Patient, too. Joshua will have to find some treats before they meet, so he can win her affection again.
He enters Clive's rooms. He's struck first by the space, but then, Clive is their leader here. He's earned it. Even so, it's - oddly cozy. Clearly a place for someone to live, not just work. A desk, a sofa, a bed. Far less books than Joshua would have in his own room, of course, but one can't have everything.
His eyes are quickly drawn to the table opposite the door, against the wall, and the objects scattered on it. He can't see what they all are from here, and it's a trial to suppress his curiosity. Joshua instantly wants to poke around, learn everything he can, marvel over the life Clive has made for himself. He refrains, because Clive deserves some privacy.]
It's not at all what I expected. You've so much room! You'll hardly notice me taking up space at all.
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