[He's been thinking about it since then. With little else to do when he's supposed to be resting, Joshua's had plenty of time to think. To prepare his arguments, even, though he knows it probably won't be as straightforward as he would like. Still, he'll try.]
I know Torgal is the best companion anyone could ask for, but he shouldn't be the only one with you. I'm capable enough with a sword, and my health is much improved. There seems to be an endless list of tasks for you to take care of - let me come along. I'm certain I can help.
[He leaves out an argument that he thought of, but decided would likely end up counting against him: he can use the power of the Phoenix should Clive ever be injured. Joshua remembers well how it was thought of as a waste for him to use the eikon's powers to heal injuries, since it does come at a cost to him - but he doesn't care. He never has. He'll gladly call on the Phoenix to protect Clive from harm.]
I've done quite a bit of traveling, too. I may have contacts that can assist us.
[ capable with a sword, health improved, with contacts across Storm. Joshua is no longer the small boy who doubted others' belief in him, who told Clive that he doesn't have the strength; the thought of it makes Clive press his palm back against his chest, recalling the feeling of the Phoenix coursing through him when he was Risen.
it would be a disservice to treat Joshua like the child he isn't. like some frail thing that would break at the first sign of hardship. Clive has been Joshua's hardship― dig a little deeper into the horrors of his past, and he can still feel Joshua breaking under Ifrit's hands.
a breath, in and out. ] Joshua. I don't doubt that you can help. [ he doesn't. it's sincerely meant, lest Joshua ever undeservedly think himself incapable. ] It's only that―
[ his brows furrow, and blue eyes shutter closed for a fraction of a second. ]
―You've already sacrificed so much of yourself for my sake. You've burned your candle at both ends for my safety, while I knew nothing of it.
The truth, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't think it needs to be said, really. Joshua doesn't regret anything he's done. Not the long days of traveling, not the nights poring over ancient tomes, not squinting into the darkness of ruins to try to make out what a carving might be. The tightness in his chest, the ache of Ultima clawing at its prison, none of it has ever changed his mind on any of this.
Clive is here, alive and in front of him, so it's all been worth it.]
While I was doing that, you were fighting for all of Valisthea. It's only fair that I look after you. I simply want to continue doing that.
[A smile then, to counter Clive's furrowed brow.]
Besides, just think of what I might get up to if you leave me here. I certainly don't intend to just lay around while you go out and do all this work.
[ a low exhale, long and slow. only fair only applies when the scales weren't tipped to begin with, but there's no arguing with Joshua when he smiles and threatens Clive with action outside of his immediate supervision. Clive is helpless; his brother is the diplomat, and he's merely the sword. ]
Joshua. [ only a half-protest. ] If anything happens to you―
[ he trails off, already anticipating the next counterattack. "don't let anything happen to me, then". backed into his own corner.
another sigh, louder this time. ] You know I don't want to be another cage to keep you in.
[ It's almost a fine, you win. His ever-warm palm travels to the crest of Joshua's knee, and squeezes lightly. ]
I would never see your care as a cage, Clive. But I would rather be by your side, doing what I can to help.
[Clive's touch is - steadying. A touch distracting, but pleasantly so. Joshua does think it's a bit unfair that, despite the Phoenix, he's never run quite as warm as Clive. He leans in, just a little, bumping his shoulder against Clive's.]
I'll be safer with you than I would be anywhere else.
[Just another way of saying 'don't let anything happen to me, then', really. But Joshua truly believes it. Clive knelt before him, so many years ago, and swore to protect him, and despite everything that's happened Joshua doesn't believe he's ever broken that vow. Not willingly, not by his own choice, and Joshua has never blamed him for what happened that dark night at Phoenix Gate.]
[ His heart flutters; there's an undying part of him that always preens at his brother's faith, that flares in elation when Joshua looks at him and sees him in ways that no one else has, no one else ever will. Some part of him is fifteen still, swinging a wooden sword against Rodney Murdoch and gritting his teeth to make sure that Joshua always sees the best of him.
I'll be safer with you, Joshua offers. A preposterous, precious thing to be told. Gutting and fortifying in the same breath. ]
...Alright. I yield. [ Bedsprings creak under his weight; Clive lifts himself off the mattress, settling himself on the floor to situate himself in front of Joshua, knee bent and head bowed.
A renewal of his oath. He takes Joshua's hand, and presses it against his forehead with all the reverence and conviction he can muster, eyes closed and shoulders braced. ]
And I swear to you that this time― this time, I'll protect you with my life. I promise it.
[Joshua has wondered, sometimes, if Clive still holds to that vow - still considers himself Joshua's Shield, even after all this time, the separation, everything that's happened to both of them. If that was still something he wanted, now that he has any number of paths to choose from.
It wouldn't truly make a difference whether he did or not, not really. Joshua trusts him implicitly regardless, and would leave his safety in Clive's hands whether or not any vow was involved. But still it makes some unnameable emotion swell in his chest, his hand tightens on Clive's just a little.]
I will endeavor to ensure that you never have to.
[He says it softly, but it's a vow as well, in its own way. He never wants Clive to have to give his life to protect him. He knows that Clive would - but hasn't everything Joshua has done been to keep his brother safe? This, too. Joshua intends to stay by his side until his body will no longer allow it.
He smiles just a little, and says with honesty:] You needn't say 'this time'. You've never failed me.
[ Joshua's hold tightens, and Clive recalls the way his brother had clung to his collar and apologized when they'd reunited at Drake's Tail. For what?, he'd thought. All that ever mattered, all that will ever matter, is that Joshua lives.
Clive lifts his head. Opens his eyes, too, to meet that little smile, and tries to return it in kind; he only half-manages it, with his brows turned down and slightly furrowed. ]
...And they say I spoil you. [ A low huff, without bitterness. Just a tinge of melancholy, and handfuls of nostalgia. ] They clearly never saw how you indulge me.
[ Another attempt to curl his lips up, this time to more success. His expression grows fond, and he gives the hand he's still holding a light squeeze. ]
[Unfair, really, how easy it is for Clive to disarm him. Just a smile, that's really all it takes. When Clive looks at him like that, with that sort of fondness, it's impossible for Joshua to look anywhere else.
There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
[ Joshua tugs, and Clive interprets it as wanting his hand back. He relinquishes it, but also obliges the other implicit request to get up off of the floor. A quick dusting of his knees, and he stands tall again.
This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
[He knows he probably ought to let Clive go. Clive surely has a hundred things to do, a hundred more people looking for a moment of his time. Joshua doesn’t actually have more of a claim on him than anyone else - even if he feels like he does.
And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
[ Slightly taken aback by the unexpected follow-up, Clive pauses for the beat it takes for his eyes to widen and his brows to lift.
(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
[Joshua notices that, and he - almost says something. He catches his tongue just in time. He shouldn't, should he? As much as he desires Clive's affection, as much as each touch means to him, he can only demand so much. He's no longer an innocent child who can cling to his brother without excuse - not that he really could even then, not with their mother looking on. He knows what it means to do it now, even if he shies away from admitting it even to himself.]
I won't think less of you.
[He does see his brother's faults, despite his adoration - especially Clive's self-sacrificing nature, his innate sense of duty. A good quality on the surface, perhaps, but one that's made itself at home in every part of his life. In truth, as lighthearted as Joshua has tried to keep their interactions, it frustrates him.
Clive, of all people, deserves to be selfish. Perhaps this just means that Joshua will have to coax him into it, while they travel.]
But I certainly look forward to seeing your pettiness. Somehow I think our definitions might be somewhat different.
[ His brother, his world. Thirteen years of grief, five years of hoping against hope; Clive won't mire Joshua in his self-pity, not after everything they've both been through, not after everything they've done to find each other.
The corner of his lips curl. Bedsprings creak beneath his weight again, making discarded armor parts clink just to his side. ]
We'll compare notes later. [ Joshua, of course, is free to critique Clive's definition of 'petty'. It's a gentle way to close that leg of the conversation, and an implicit promise that there will be a 'later'. ] But first―
[ Before he forgets: he fishes out three packages from one of his larger travel packs. Two of them are clearly books wrapped in protective leather― one is a well-loved hardcover that chronicles beloved Dhalmek folktales (Clive's choice), and the other is something titled "Desert Heat" that Clive hasn't had a chance to flip though (L'ubor's choice)― while the third is a small parcel with spice cookies that have miraculously survived the trip back from Dalimil. ]
[Joshua brightens immediately. He'd forgotten he'd requested books, he'd forgotten Clive mentioned bringing anything back at all. That Clive remembered is - well, not surprising at all, really, but a true delight for Joshua. He inspects the books, already looking forward to spending the evening reading.
The folktales - that's exactly the sort of thing he likes to read. He does always read such things with an eye to myth and legend that might reveal real secrets of the past, those who came before, Ultima. But he also does it just because he likes to, and even if no secrets reveal themselves, it's more than worth the time.
The other book is more of a surprise, and as Joshua inspects it, he can't hold back his laughter.]
Clive! I didn't know you had a taste for such things.
[Not that Joshua isn't going to read it... he definitely will.]
'The young priest flushed as he viewed the trickle of water down the bandit's magnificent thews. At the mercy of the lustful whims of the outlaw who had captured him, he was beginning to realize that what he should fear most were his own desires.' Oh, excellent!
[ 'A taste for what???', is what Clive's tipped head and one raised brow suggests, looking every bit like Torgal when the hound doesn't understand a command. The confusion is quickly subsumed by recognition, which makes way for a more powerfully obvious sentiment: mortification.
He can feel his face redden. Heat spreads from his cheeks to his ears. ]
L'ubor. [ Both by way of explanation, and to add: ] Founder, I should kill him.
[ A threat with absolutely no teeth. There's not a chance in hell that Clive would actually harm the guy, but L'ubor absolutely has to pay for the crime of making Joshua say the words 'lustful whims' in front of Clive.
He clears his throat. Offers a hand. ] I'll take that off your hands. [ Not because Joshua isn't already a grown-ass man that can read erotica if he wants, but because the thought of having gifted erotica to his beloved brother is, again, mortifying. ]
Absolutely not. [He pulls the book close.] You can't take back a gift once it's given. I must discover whether the priest and the bandit ever confess their love.
[Joshua, on the other hand, owes L'ubor a thank you. For the look on Clive's face, for the red on his cheeks. He's sure the man just wanted to embarrass Clive - and if so, he's succeeded - but it's certainly lightened Joshua's mood, too.
Besides. He does kind of want to read it.]
You'll have to go back and ask for another recommendation for yourself. [A joke, of course, but then Joshua considers Clive actually doing it, and the remote possibility that it isn't just L'ubor causing trouble, but some sort of odd flirtation - unlikely, but what if it was? Maybe it's the book giving him strange ideas. Still...] ...on second thought, safer not to. Who knows what you might get.
[ Joshua, Clive mouths, but the chiding never makes it past a soft whistle of breath that dies in the back of his throat. As embarrassing as it is to have been suckered so thoroughly by L'ubor, if Joshua is pleased by the offering―
―well. Clive can't complain overmuch. Perhaps later, in hindsight, he'll be thankful to the Desert Hare for injecting some well-needed levity into their lives, but for now: ]
Better not to risk it. [ A long sigh, as he sets the parcel of cookies on top of a nearby stack of books. ] If I want books, I'll speak to Harpocrates.
[ Who will be very sensible about recommendations, and will not leave Clive worrying about gray hairs. ]
―Which reminds me. If ever you want a quiet place to read, [ which is not always the case with the Infirmary, with Tarja bringing in patients in varying levels of criticality, ] you're welcome to use my quarters.
[Joshua had been hoping - maybe planning - on getting his own room before long, but if he's being realistic, he knows he'll probably be spending a certain amount of time in the infirmary regardless. And it isn't the most relaxing place, it's true.]
Are you sure? I might end up in there often. I don't want to distract you.
[He knows Clive has plenty of things to do - letters to read and write, plans to make. But he also doesn't want to refuse.
Joshua knows that he's not really the best judge of what might be considered normal in a sibling relationship. He doesn't want to do anything that will make Clive uncomfortable, or infringe on his privacy - but the truth is, the idea of just existing in the same space as him, reading quietly while he works on whatever needs his attention, is a very appealing one. He doesn't know if it's strange to think that, if he's being overly attached. But Clive offered, so - maybe he shouldn't overthink it.]
So you say. I think I've missed your hovering, [ is Clive's simple, sincere objection. He can't recall a single moment in his childhood when Joshua's presence had been unwelcome in any context, despite the conspiratorial whispers that always surrounded them: poor Clive, the eldest son who was bypassed by the Phoenix. I would resent my brother if I were him.Poor Clive, whose mother treats him like the dirt beneath her shoe. I wonder if he doesn't hate Joshua so for taking all her love.
The truth is that he never related to poor Clive at all. Sometimes he would turn around during training and find Joshua perched on a bench, waving at him with his smile like sunlight; in those moments, no insult or injury in the world could touch him. ]
What's mine is yours. You've no need to worry.
[ This time, the palm makes its way on Joshua's hair. Gentle, encouraging. ]
[He wants to lean into that touch, into Clive. He doesn't allow himself, because he wants it too much. That, he knows, isn't normal.
He could adore his brother, to the point of hero worship, as he did when he was young. He could follow him around, despite Anabella's open disapproval. He could fight for Clive, face Ultima for him, spend years tracing hidden patterns into the depths of history. Some of it can't quite be called normal, but nothing about their lives has been normal.
But wanting his touch as much as Joshua does is a step too far. Even he, with such little experience with a normal life, knows that very well. And the last thing in the world he could ever want is for Clive to be disgusted by him.]
Don't forget you said that when I fall asleep reading and you have to listen to me snore.
[He keeps his voice lighthearted, to hide the tremor in his heart. It's true, anyway - when Joshua's not feeling well, he falls asleep while reading easily and often. He's not sure about the snoring, but Clive deserves a warning anyway.]
[ Blond hair, soft to the touch. It's this, alongside sense memories of Joshua's hand in his and the warmth of the Phoenix's blessing, that had kept Clive human for the thirteen years that he'd spent as 'Wyvern'.
He combs his fingers through long bangs, sweeping strands away from his brother's lashes. A beautiful young man, by every metric. Clive is proud of him, is sworn to him―
―and thus, he must protect his brother from everything, including himself. Particularly himself. But Clive is only a man, and he grazes his touch behind one of Joshua's perfect ears for a whisper of a moment, tucking a piece of hair behind it before finally relinquishing his touch.
He hates himself for it, but his blood burns hotter in his chest. A beat, and his lips quirk into a half-smile. Trying to play it off. ]
You'll make me. [ He huffs, amused. ] I look forward to you trying, Your Grace.
[ A theatrical bow of his head, in perfectly practiced court manners. (As if he wouldn't bend the moment Joshua demanded anything of him; he'll eat his own words, later.) ]
[If it were anyone else in the world, then that careful movement, that gentle touch might be read as flirtation. In truth, Joshua has little experience with romance, but he's been roaming the world for some time - he's not unfamiliar with that sort of regard. He's received his share of lingering looks and casual touches, even if he rarely chose to respond.
But this is Clive, so Joshua knows that isn't the case. He knows the way it makes him feel is unintentional, that Clive looks at him and thinks only of his little brother. Of family. As he should, of course. It's Joshua who is - confused.
So he raises his chin, returning to levity, if only so that his confusion can pass. If only so that he doesn't feel such a rush of - something, whenever Clive touches him.
He's not so foolish as to not realize it's desire. But naming it, even to himself, is too dangerous.]
I've developed plenty of new tricks while we were parted. You'll see. I will be very bothersome.
[He looks at the books piled next to the bed, Clive's armor arranged on formerly clean sheets, his brother sitting next to him. He didn't know if he could ever have something like this again. He doesn't want to ruin it.]
Will you show me? I haven't seen your quarters yet.
[ The tension comes and goes; it's back to balance, even though the fire in Clive's chest reaches desperately towards the familiar figure sitting next to him. He knows what it is, he knows how it feels, and knows how ruinous it could be (it is).
A low breath, in and out, and he stands up. He lets the fire burn a little lower, and instead, focuses on how it still makes his heart twist into happy knots whenever Joshua asks him for anything at all. ]
Of course. [ To 'will you show me'. He starts to gather his armor, lest he give Tarja more reasons to yell at him later (fighting a losing war). ] I'd like that.
[ A lopsided smile, as he offers one hand. ] I'll even carry some of your books over.
[Joshua selects only a few books - one of them the book of folktales Clive gave him. He leaves the erotica, as curious as he is. He expects it'll be more silly than spicy, but better to read it in private, just in case.]
I really ought to give some of these back to Harpocrates. But your quarters are closer, so that's progress, right?
[Though he's unwilling to make Clive carry too much when he has all that armor to worry about too, Joshua still can't quite turn him down. Is it selfish of him to enjoy when Clive does these small things for him? He can't help feeling happy, even if it is. In the end, he only gives Clive two books to carry, and takes the rest of his small stack himself.
He also takes the cookies. He hasn't forgotten about them - though he does intend to talk Clive into eating at least one.]
It'll be nice to spend some time out of the infirmary.
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[He's been thinking about it since then. With little else to do when he's supposed to be resting, Joshua's had plenty of time to think. To prepare his arguments, even, though he knows it probably won't be as straightforward as he would like. Still, he'll try.]
I know Torgal is the best companion anyone could ask for, but he shouldn't be the only one with you. I'm capable enough with a sword, and my health is much improved. There seems to be an endless list of tasks for you to take care of - let me come along. I'm certain I can help.
[He leaves out an argument that he thought of, but decided would likely end up counting against him: he can use the power of the Phoenix should Clive ever be injured. Joshua remembers well how it was thought of as a waste for him to use the eikon's powers to heal injuries, since it does come at a cost to him - but he doesn't care. He never has. He'll gladly call on the Phoenix to protect Clive from harm.]
I've done quite a bit of traveling, too. I may have contacts that can assist us.
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it would be a disservice to treat Joshua like the child he isn't. like some frail thing that would break at the first sign of hardship. Clive has been Joshua's hardship― dig a little deeper into the horrors of his past, and he can still feel Joshua breaking under Ifrit's hands.
a breath, in and out. ] Joshua. I don't doubt that you can help. [ he doesn't. it's sincerely meant, lest Joshua ever undeservedly think himself incapable. ] It's only that―
[ his brows furrow, and blue eyes shutter closed for a fraction of a second. ]
―You've already sacrificed so much of yourself for my sake. You've burned your candle at both ends for my safety, while I knew nothing of it.
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The truth, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't think it needs to be said, really. Joshua doesn't regret anything he's done. Not the long days of traveling, not the nights poring over ancient tomes, not squinting into the darkness of ruins to try to make out what a carving might be. The tightness in his chest, the ache of Ultima clawing at its prison, none of it has ever changed his mind on any of this.
Clive is here, alive and in front of him, so it's all been worth it.]
While I was doing that, you were fighting for all of Valisthea. It's only fair that I look after you. I simply want to continue doing that.
[A smile then, to counter Clive's furrowed brow.]
Besides, just think of what I might get up to if you leave me here. I certainly don't intend to just lay around while you go out and do all this work.
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Joshua. [ only a half-protest. ] If anything happens to you―
[ he trails off, already anticipating the next counterattack. "don't let anything happen to me, then". backed into his own corner.
another sigh, louder this time. ] You know I don't want to be another cage to keep you in.
[ It's almost a fine, you win. His ever-warm palm travels to the crest of Joshua's knee, and squeezes lightly. ]
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[Clive's touch is - steadying. A touch distracting, but pleasantly so. Joshua does think it's a bit unfair that, despite the Phoenix, he's never run quite as warm as Clive. He leans in, just a little, bumping his shoulder against Clive's.]
I'll be safer with you than I would be anywhere else.
[Just another way of saying 'don't let anything happen to me, then', really. But Joshua truly believes it. Clive knelt before him, so many years ago, and swore to protect him, and despite everything that's happened Joshua doesn't believe he's ever broken that vow. Not willingly, not by his own choice, and Joshua has never blamed him for what happened that dark night at Phoenix Gate.]
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I'll be safer with you, Joshua offers. A preposterous, precious thing to be told. Gutting and fortifying in the same breath. ]
...Alright. I yield. [ Bedsprings creak under his weight; Clive lifts himself off the mattress, settling himself on the floor to situate himself in front of Joshua, knee bent and head bowed.
A renewal of his oath. He takes Joshua's hand, and presses it against his forehead with all the reverence and conviction he can muster, eyes closed and shoulders braced. ]
And I swear to you that this time― this time, I'll protect you with my life. I promise it.
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It wouldn't truly make a difference whether he did or not, not really. Joshua trusts him implicitly regardless, and would leave his safety in Clive's hands whether or not any vow was involved. But still it makes some unnameable emotion swell in his chest, his hand tightens on Clive's just a little.]
I will endeavor to ensure that you never have to.
[He says it softly, but it's a vow as well, in its own way. He never wants Clive to have to give his life to protect him. He knows that Clive would - but hasn't everything Joshua has done been to keep his brother safe? This, too. Joshua intends to stay by his side until his body will no longer allow it.
He smiles just a little, and says with honesty:] You needn't say 'this time'. You've never failed me.
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Clive lifts his head. Opens his eyes, too, to meet that little smile, and tries to return it in kind; he only half-manages it, with his brows turned down and slightly furrowed. ]
...And they say I spoil you. [ A low huff, without bitterness. Just a tinge of melancholy, and handfuls of nostalgia. ] They clearly never saw how you indulge me.
[ Another attempt to curl his lips up, this time to more success. His expression grows fond, and he gives the hand he's still holding a light squeeze. ]
"Joshua the Magnanimous".
[ Low, but playfully. ]
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There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
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This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
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And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
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(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
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I won't think less of you.
[He does see his brother's faults, despite his adoration - especially Clive's self-sacrificing nature, his innate sense of duty. A good quality on the surface, perhaps, but one that's made itself at home in every part of his life. In truth, as lighthearted as Joshua has tried to keep their interactions, it frustrates him.
Clive, of all people, deserves to be selfish. Perhaps this just means that Joshua will have to coax him into it, while they travel.]
But I certainly look forward to seeing your pettiness. Somehow I think our definitions might be somewhat different.
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The corner of his lips curl. Bedsprings creak beneath his weight again, making discarded armor parts clink just to his side. ]
We'll compare notes later. [ Joshua, of course, is free to critique Clive's definition of 'petty'. It's a gentle way to close that leg of the conversation, and an implicit promise that there will be a 'later'. ] But first―
[ Before he forgets: he fishes out three packages from one of his larger travel packs. Two of them are clearly books wrapped in protective leather― one is a well-loved hardcover that chronicles beloved Dhalmek folktales (Clive's choice), and the other is something titled "Desert Heat" that Clive hasn't had a chance to flip though (L'ubor's choice)― while the third is a small parcel with spice cookies that have miraculously survived the trip back from Dalimil. ]
Your gifts.
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The folktales - that's exactly the sort of thing he likes to read. He does always read such things with an eye to myth and legend that might reveal real secrets of the past, those who came before, Ultima. But he also does it just because he likes to, and even if no secrets reveal themselves, it's more than worth the time.
The other book is more of a surprise, and as Joshua inspects it, he can't hold back his laughter.]
Clive! I didn't know you had a taste for such things.
[Not that Joshua isn't going to read it... he definitely will.]
'The young priest flushed as he viewed the trickle of water down the bandit's magnificent thews. At the mercy of the lustful whims of the outlaw who had captured him, he was beginning to realize that what he should fear most were his own desires.' Oh, excellent!
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He can feel his face redden. Heat spreads from his cheeks to his ears. ]
L'ubor. [ Both by way of explanation, and to add: ] Founder, I should kill him.
[ A threat with absolutely no teeth. There's not a chance in hell that Clive would actually harm the guy, but L'ubor absolutely has to pay for the crime of making Joshua say the words 'lustful whims' in front of Clive.
He clears his throat. Offers a hand. ] I'll take that off your hands. [ Not because Joshua isn't already a grown-ass man that can read erotica if he wants, but because the thought of having gifted erotica to his beloved brother is, again, mortifying. ]
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[Joshua, on the other hand, owes L'ubor a thank you. For the look on Clive's face, for the red on his cheeks. He's sure the man just wanted to embarrass Clive - and if so, he's succeeded - but it's certainly lightened Joshua's mood, too.
Besides. He does kind of want to read it.]
You'll have to go back and ask for another recommendation for yourself. [A joke, of course, but then Joshua considers Clive actually doing it, and the remote possibility that it isn't just L'ubor causing trouble, but some sort of odd flirtation - unlikely, but what if it was? Maybe it's the book giving him strange ideas. Still...] ...on second thought, safer not to. Who knows what you might get.
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―well. Clive can't complain overmuch. Perhaps later, in hindsight, he'll be thankful to the Desert Hare for injecting some well-needed levity into their lives, but for now: ]
Better not to risk it. [ A long sigh, as he sets the parcel of cookies on top of a nearby stack of books. ] If I want books, I'll speak to Harpocrates.
[ Who will be very sensible about recommendations, and will not leave Clive worrying about gray hairs. ]
―Which reminds me. If ever you want a quiet place to read, [ which is not always the case with the Infirmary, with Tarja bringing in patients in varying levels of criticality, ] you're welcome to use my quarters.
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Are you sure? I might end up in there often. I don't want to distract you.
[He knows Clive has plenty of things to do - letters to read and write, plans to make. But he also doesn't want to refuse.
Joshua knows that he's not really the best judge of what might be considered normal in a sibling relationship. He doesn't want to do anything that will make Clive uncomfortable, or infringe on his privacy - but the truth is, the idea of just existing in the same space as him, reading quietly while he works on whatever needs his attention, is a very appealing one. He doesn't know if it's strange to think that, if he's being overly attached. But Clive offered, so - maybe he shouldn't overthink it.]
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The truth is that he never related to poor Clive at all. Sometimes he would turn around during training and find Joshua perched on a bench, waving at him with his smile like sunlight; in those moments, no insult or injury in the world could touch him. ]
What's mine is yours. You've no need to worry.
[ This time, the palm makes its way on Joshua's hair. Gentle, encouraging. ]
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He could adore his brother, to the point of hero worship, as he did when he was young. He could follow him around, despite Anabella's open disapproval. He could fight for Clive, face Ultima for him, spend years tracing hidden patterns into the depths of history. Some of it can't quite be called normal, but nothing about their lives has been normal.
But wanting his touch as much as Joshua does is a step too far. Even he, with such little experience with a normal life, knows that very well. And the last thing in the world he could ever want is for Clive to be disgusted by him.]
Don't forget you said that when I fall asleep reading and you have to listen to me snore.
[He keeps his voice lighthearted, to hide the tremor in his heart. It's true, anyway - when Joshua's not feeling well, he falls asleep while reading easily and often. He's not sure about the snoring, but Clive deserves a warning anyway.]
I'll make you take breaks, too.
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He combs his fingers through long bangs, sweeping strands away from his brother's lashes. A beautiful young man, by every metric. Clive is proud of him, is sworn to him―
―and thus, he must protect his brother from everything, including himself. Particularly himself. But Clive is only a man, and he grazes his touch behind one of Joshua's perfect ears for a whisper of a moment, tucking a piece of hair behind it before finally relinquishing his touch.
He hates himself for it, but his blood burns hotter in his chest. A beat, and his lips quirk into a half-smile. Trying to play it off. ]
You'll make me. [ He huffs, amused. ] I look forward to you trying, Your Grace.
[ A theatrical bow of his head, in perfectly practiced court manners. (As if he wouldn't bend the moment Joshua demanded anything of him; he'll eat his own words, later.) ]
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But this is Clive, so Joshua knows that isn't the case. He knows the way it makes him feel is unintentional, that Clive looks at him and thinks only of his little brother. Of family. As he should, of course. It's Joshua who is - confused.
So he raises his chin, returning to levity, if only so that his confusion can pass. If only so that he doesn't feel such a rush of - something, whenever Clive touches him.
He's not so foolish as to not realize it's desire. But naming it, even to himself, is too dangerous.]
I've developed plenty of new tricks while we were parted. You'll see. I will be very bothersome.
[He looks at the books piled next to the bed, Clive's armor arranged on formerly clean sheets, his brother sitting next to him. He didn't know if he could ever have something like this again. He doesn't want to ruin it.]
Will you show me? I haven't seen your quarters yet.
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A low breath, in and out, and he stands up. He lets the fire burn a little lower, and instead, focuses on how it still makes his heart twist into happy knots whenever Joshua asks him for anything at all. ]
Of course. [ To 'will you show me'. He starts to gather his armor, lest he give Tarja more reasons to yell at him later (fighting a losing war). ] I'd like that.
[ A lopsided smile, as he offers one hand. ] I'll even carry some of your books over.
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I really ought to give some of these back to Harpocrates. But your quarters are closer, so that's progress, right?
[Though he's unwilling to make Clive carry too much when he has all that armor to worry about too, Joshua still can't quite turn him down. Is it selfish of him to enjoy when Clive does these small things for him? He can't help feeling happy, even if it is. In the end, he only gives Clive two books to carry, and takes the rest of his small stack himself.
He also takes the cookies. He hasn't forgotten about them - though he does intend to talk Clive into eating at least one.]
It'll be nice to spend some time out of the infirmary.
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