[ getting bullied by a seemingly insouciant but ultimately good-meaning ally in the presence of his brother would have been worth it, just to watch Joshua laugh. there seems to be less and less levity available in the world, and they're all clawing and fighting to find it. ]
If only I'd been trying to be entertaining. [ he is a Dominant; it's not his fault some people take that the wrong way. also, what's so funny about the thought of him being dominant in other areas, huh!!!
entirely unoffended, though. he gets it. ]
I'd best leave this place before I tarnish Cid's name further.
Will you be headed somewhere else when you're finished? Or back to the Hideaway?
[It feels faintly ridiculous to miss Clive when they're currently communicating, when it hasn't been so long, when they aren't that far apart. It's not like those years, those long years where first he didn't know where Clive was, and then he couldn't go to him, and even after that he had to keep traveling, keep digging. It was necessary for all sorts of reasons, but that didn't make it easy.
And maybe that's why he feels the distance so keenly now. Because he can talk to Clive again finally, and tease him, and even spend time with him sometimes. Joshua doesn't know how long it will last, this precarious happiness. He doesn't want to waste it. But Clive has so many demands on him.]
Next time I'd like to come with you. I'll keep your - and Cid's - honor intact.
[ a beat, to think of an answer. Joshua might note the delay. ]
We'll speak about it further when I come back.
[ it doesn't seem the kind of conversation they should be having semi-indirectly, without the clarity of physical presence to provide context for each other's assertions and opinions. Clive doesn't want to be misunderstood, nor does he want to misunderstand; how does he tell Joshua, over dispassionate text, that he wants nothing more than to be by his brother's side, to protect him as his shield in all the ways he'd failed to, but also desperately fears harming Joshua as a result?
it can't be done. so he'll have to take care of business in Dalimil-- quickly, at that. ]
[He does note the delay, and he doesn't like it. He doesn't especially like the answer either.
Joshua doesn't know what Clive is thinking, but a simple assent would be easy enough. Still... he does understand, to some extent. He knows that Clive worries about his weakness, the way that Ultima affects him. Though Joshua is a capable enough fighter, he doesn't have the sort of stamina or strength that Clive does, and he never will. Both Tarja and Jote have made it quite clear that he ought to take better care of himself.
But in Joshua's eyes, there really isn't time for that. And he can't fix his physical condition, and if that's the case, he would rather spend what time he has with Clive. It's what he's wanted for years.
Hopefully he can convince Clive of that.]
I'll hold my silence on the topic for now, then. Give Torgal my love - we will be waiting for you both to return.
[ thirteen years apart, and all Clive wants to do is tell Joshua yes. to anything, to everything. but four mother crystals are dead, and the god that wishes to house itself in Clive's body is eating Joshua from the inside out; all these years, and Clive still feels like he's failing, floundering.
if anything happens to Joshua again, anything at all, it would break him.
so he stews in that promised silence between them. hones his focus on the internal affairs that ravage Dalimil time and time again, despite all the ways in which the clever Hare tries to keep his people together. swords are swung, and some men die. the way of the world, Clive tells himself, but the whole affair leaves a yawning chasm in his chest.
he's glad to be back, when he finally reaches the Hideaway. dust in his hair, sand stuck to his leathers. he leaves Torgal with Jill, leaves his reports with Otto, and leaves his gil with Charon before he finally has the time to meander through the skeletal framework of the Hideaway in search of Joshua.
the Infirmary is his best bet. he pushes past the door, quiet and careful; Tarja is curiously absent, but Clive brightens when he spots the (somewhat) familiar outline of his brother perched on one of the well-made cots. ]
[Joshua looks up from the book he'd been poring over - taken from the library with permission, one of a small stack that live by the infirmary bed he's been using for the past few days. He feels better, really, well enough to leave the infirmary certainly, but Tarja has only just agreed to that. He hasn't yet gotten his own room, hasn't moved his few things.
While he certainly wouldn't mind having his own space, Joshua has been quietly hoping that having a somewhat clean bill of health also means that he can begin accompanying Clive. The thought of his brother putting himself in danger, again and again... of course it's who he is, of course Joshua admires him for it. But he wants to be there, he wants to do what he can to help. Clive should not have to bear these burdens alone.
He smiles at the sight of Clive, an unconscious and immediate reaction.]
Welcome back, brother. [And he sets the book aside and stands, taking a few steps toward Clive to embrace him in greeting. The dust of the road means nothing to him, and neither does the idea that a grown man should be less open with gestures of affection. Hasn't he been deprived of this long enough? He'll hug his brother when and where he wishes.] You're well, I hope?
[Joshua steps back, as if to look him over and ensure that's the case. He doesn't have quite the sharp eye of Tarja, but someone needs to be certain Clive is looked after.]
[ resolved to be a monster, but more man than beast in Joshua's presence. Clive meets Joshua open-armed, catching him in the embrace as if he'd fall sideways if Clive chose to let go; careful and attentive, hands still holding Joshua's shoulders when he pulls back to mirror his brother's once-over, checking for paleness or unsteadiness. ]
I've some bruises― mostly to my ego. [ a joke. he doesn't have an ego to speak of. ] But I'm whole.
[ a long, coeurl-whisker-shaped discoloration under his shirt, and general weariness that comes from travel and fighting. the sort of physical toll that he's been enduring since he was old enough to swing a sword.
a hand lifts from the crest of Joshua's shoulder, and rests on soft blond hair. ] Have the others been treating you well?
[Joshua is as hale and whole as he ever is these days, and a bit restless because of it. He doesn't pull away from Clive, though, perfectly content with any and every affectionate gesture he might be allowed.]
Very well. Lady Tarja is terrifying, but also terrifyingly competent. And everyone else - they've been quite kind. [He's silent for a moment.] It's... odd, being somewhere I don't need to lie about who I am.
[Here, everyone knows he's Clive's brother, and it's no secret that he's the Phoenix as well. Joshua has kept both of those secrets from everyone except the Undying for years now. He's still learning what it means to be known as who he is - though really, so far all it's meant is that he can occasionally wheedle stories about Clive from the residents here.]
You've built an incredible place. Now that you're back, I'll expect a tour before long.
[Teasing, just a bit, as he studies Clive's face to be sure he really is well.]
[ well, but tired. the exhaustion shows in subtle ways: the slight dark circles under bright-blue eyes, the occasional shifting of Clive's weight from one foot to the other. under the shroud of fatigue, though, is fire― warmth that he shares with Joshua, the perfection he'd achieved, even momentarily, as Ifrit Risen.
the monster inside Clive flares in recognition at the presence of the Phoenix. one hand― the one not currently occupied ruffling Joshua's hair― instinctively moves to his heart, almost as if to cage the thing threatening to spill out of his chest.
a breath, in and out. ]
...Long overdue, I think. [ regarding the tour. his voice scrapes a bit; calm, he tells Ifrit in the safety of his head. ] I'm sorry, Joshua. It wasn't my intention to keep you hidden away.
[ though it seems like Joshua's already made friends with Harpocrates, with the stacks he's been accruing next to his bed. a quick smile, and Clive finally lets his brother go, properly. ]
[Much as he might hate to admit it, he knows when he’s taxed himself too far. Rather than hidden, he felt - protected in a way he hasn’t felt in some time. Restless as he might get, it hasn’t been unpleasant at all.]
You’re not headed back out again soon, are you? You look like you might be able to use some rest as well.
[He takes Clive’s arm, tugging gently but insistently, pulling him down so they can both sit on the edge of the bed. Close, but not too close. If he feels a bit warm when Clive is near, that can easily be blamed on the Phoenix. Though truly, what’s the difference between that and his own heart?
But Clive does look tired, and if he won’t look after himself properly, that means Joshua gets to do it, with all the power of an annoying younger brother.]
[ a good age, since he's had Joshua fret over him like this. or is it? maybe it's been thirteen years of Joshua wringing his hands from the sidelines, worrying over the state of the Shield who failed him so horrendously. Clive doesn't have it in himself to refuse the concern, and so, he settles down obediently when he's bid. ]
I remember when you would try to convince Lord Murdoch that I needed more rest. [ he recounts softly, moving to unfasten his gauntlets and cape to relieve himself of a bit of weight. ] He obliged you when asked, but he bade me circle the courtyard twice as fast the next day.
[ not to blame Joshua for trying― it's a fond memory. they were, the both of them, so dedicated to seeing to it that Clive would always be ready if anything were to befall Rosaria. it had given Clive so much purpose, so much pride.
a smile, as he lowers one clunky armor piece onto clean sheets. ]
[He has been worried all this time, of course, but failure never once entered his mind.
Joshua reaches out, ready to remove some of that armor, to take it from Clive’s hands and set it aside. Just a little weight off his shoulders.]
I always feared he was just humoring me. I thought since you were my Shield, shouldn’t I be able to decide how hard you worked?
[Joshua smiles to himself, thinking of it. He loved Clive for working so hard, but even then feared that he might hurt himself, and Joshua never wanted to be the cause of that. Older now, Joshua knows that it wasn’t only about him - that Clive wanted a place in their family, a role that he belonged in. He always had a steadfast heart. He deserved so much better than he got.]
Perhaps I’ll have more influence this time, if I’m very lucky.
[Tarja might be annoyed about the sheets later, but Joshua hardly notices now, setting another dusty piece of armor down.]
[ "more influence". funny, that. Clive hands Joshua one last piece of crafted metal, battered from years of use, and rolls his now-freed shoulders. ]
'Perhaps'. [ a hum, as he elbows Joshua. playful, light. ] If there are less recipes that need making, and less moody Blacksmiths that need cheering up.
[ with apologies to Blackthorne, a lovely man who deserves a pick-me-up every now and then. Clive is all too happy to oblige the many, many pedestrian requests that the people of the Hideaway demand of him; compared to the unrelenting grind of war and disaster, finding flowers to use for esoteric purposes is a welcome change of pace.
which is a somewhat clunky segue into the bighorn in the room: ] ―But you mentioned wanting to come along on some of these unglamorous outings.
[He's been thinking about it since then. With little else to do when he's supposed to be resting, Joshua's had plenty of time to think. To prepare his arguments, even, though he knows it probably won't be as straightforward as he would like. Still, he'll try.]
I know Torgal is the best companion anyone could ask for, but he shouldn't be the only one with you. I'm capable enough with a sword, and my health is much improved. There seems to be an endless list of tasks for you to take care of - let me come along. I'm certain I can help.
[He leaves out an argument that he thought of, but decided would likely end up counting against him: he can use the power of the Phoenix should Clive ever be injured. Joshua remembers well how it was thought of as a waste for him to use the eikon's powers to heal injuries, since it does come at a cost to him - but he doesn't care. He never has. He'll gladly call on the Phoenix to protect Clive from harm.]
I've done quite a bit of traveling, too. I may have contacts that can assist us.
[ capable with a sword, health improved, with contacts across Storm. Joshua is no longer the small boy who doubted others' belief in him, who told Clive that he doesn't have the strength; the thought of it makes Clive press his palm back against his chest, recalling the feeling of the Phoenix coursing through him when he was Risen.
it would be a disservice to treat Joshua like the child he isn't. like some frail thing that would break at the first sign of hardship. Clive has been Joshua's hardship― dig a little deeper into the horrors of his past, and he can still feel Joshua breaking under Ifrit's hands.
a breath, in and out. ] Joshua. I don't doubt that you can help. [ he doesn't. it's sincerely meant, lest Joshua ever undeservedly think himself incapable. ] It's only that―
[ his brows furrow, and blue eyes shutter closed for a fraction of a second. ]
―You've already sacrificed so much of yourself for my sake. You've burned your candle at both ends for my safety, while I knew nothing of it.
The truth, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't think it needs to be said, really. Joshua doesn't regret anything he's done. Not the long days of traveling, not the nights poring over ancient tomes, not squinting into the darkness of ruins to try to make out what a carving might be. The tightness in his chest, the ache of Ultima clawing at its prison, none of it has ever changed his mind on any of this.
Clive is here, alive and in front of him, so it's all been worth it.]
While I was doing that, you were fighting for all of Valisthea. It's only fair that I look after you. I simply want to continue doing that.
[A smile then, to counter Clive's furrowed brow.]
Besides, just think of what I might get up to if you leave me here. I certainly don't intend to just lay around while you go out and do all this work.
[ a low exhale, long and slow. only fair only applies when the scales weren't tipped to begin with, but there's no arguing with Joshua when he smiles and threatens Clive with action outside of his immediate supervision. Clive is helpless; his brother is the diplomat, and he's merely the sword. ]
Joshua. [ only a half-protest. ] If anything happens to you―
[ he trails off, already anticipating the next counterattack. "don't let anything happen to me, then". backed into his own corner.
another sigh, louder this time. ] You know I don't want to be another cage to keep you in.
[ It's almost a fine, you win. His ever-warm palm travels to the crest of Joshua's knee, and squeezes lightly. ]
I would never see your care as a cage, Clive. But I would rather be by your side, doing what I can to help.
[Clive's touch is - steadying. A touch distracting, but pleasantly so. Joshua does think it's a bit unfair that, despite the Phoenix, he's never run quite as warm as Clive. He leans in, just a little, bumping his shoulder against Clive's.]
I'll be safer with you than I would be anywhere else.
[Just another way of saying 'don't let anything happen to me, then', really. But Joshua truly believes it. Clive knelt before him, so many years ago, and swore to protect him, and despite everything that's happened Joshua doesn't believe he's ever broken that vow. Not willingly, not by his own choice, and Joshua has never blamed him for what happened that dark night at Phoenix Gate.]
[ His heart flutters; there's an undying part of him that always preens at his brother's faith, that flares in elation when Joshua looks at him and sees him in ways that no one else has, no one else ever will. Some part of him is fifteen still, swinging a wooden sword against Rodney Murdoch and gritting his teeth to make sure that Joshua always sees the best of him.
I'll be safer with you, Joshua offers. A preposterous, precious thing to be told. Gutting and fortifying in the same breath. ]
...Alright. I yield. [ Bedsprings creak under his weight; Clive lifts himself off the mattress, settling himself on the floor to situate himself in front of Joshua, knee bent and head bowed.
A renewal of his oath. He takes Joshua's hand, and presses it against his forehead with all the reverence and conviction he can muster, eyes closed and shoulders braced. ]
And I swear to you that this time― this time, I'll protect you with my life. I promise it.
[Joshua has wondered, sometimes, if Clive still holds to that vow - still considers himself Joshua's Shield, even after all this time, the separation, everything that's happened to both of them. If that was still something he wanted, now that he has any number of paths to choose from.
It wouldn't truly make a difference whether he did or not, not really. Joshua trusts him implicitly regardless, and would leave his safety in Clive's hands whether or not any vow was involved. But still it makes some unnameable emotion swell in his chest, his hand tightens on Clive's just a little.]
I will endeavor to ensure that you never have to.
[He says it softly, but it's a vow as well, in its own way. He never wants Clive to have to give his life to protect him. He knows that Clive would - but hasn't everything Joshua has done been to keep his brother safe? This, too. Joshua intends to stay by his side until his body will no longer allow it.
He smiles just a little, and says with honesty:] You needn't say 'this time'. You've never failed me.
[ Joshua's hold tightens, and Clive recalls the way his brother had clung to his collar and apologized when they'd reunited at Drake's Tail. For what?, he'd thought. All that ever mattered, all that will ever matter, is that Joshua lives.
Clive lifts his head. Opens his eyes, too, to meet that little smile, and tries to return it in kind; he only half-manages it, with his brows turned down and slightly furrowed. ]
...And they say I spoil you. [ A low huff, without bitterness. Just a tinge of melancholy, and handfuls of nostalgia. ] They clearly never saw how you indulge me.
[ Another attempt to curl his lips up, this time to more success. His expression grows fond, and he gives the hand he's still holding a light squeeze. ]
[Unfair, really, how easy it is for Clive to disarm him. Just a smile, that's really all it takes. When Clive looks at him like that, with that sort of fondness, it's impossible for Joshua to look anywhere else.
There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
[ Joshua tugs, and Clive interprets it as wanting his hand back. He relinquishes it, but also obliges the other implicit request to get up off of the floor. A quick dusting of his knees, and he stands tall again.
This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
[He knows he probably ought to let Clive go. Clive surely has a hundred things to do, a hundred more people looking for a moment of his time. Joshua doesn’t actually have more of a claim on him than anyone else - even if he feels like he does.
And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
[ Slightly taken aback by the unexpected follow-up, Clive pauses for the beat it takes for his eyes to widen and his brows to lift.
(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
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If only I'd been trying to be entertaining. [ he is a Dominant; it's not his fault some people take that the wrong way. also, what's so funny about the thought of him being dominant in other areas, huh!!!
entirely unoffended, though. he gets it. ]
I'd best leave this place before I tarnish Cid's name further.
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[It feels faintly ridiculous to miss Clive when they're currently communicating, when it hasn't been so long, when they aren't that far apart. It's not like those years, those long years where first he didn't know where Clive was, and then he couldn't go to him, and even after that he had to keep traveling, keep digging. It was necessary for all sorts of reasons, but that didn't make it easy.
And maybe that's why he feels the distance so keenly now. Because he can talk to Clive again finally, and tease him, and even spend time with him sometimes. Joshua doesn't know how long it will last, this precarious happiness. He doesn't want to waste it. But Clive has so many demands on him.]
Next time I'd like to come with you. I'll keep your - and Cid's - honor intact.
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We'll speak about it further when I come back.
[ it doesn't seem the kind of conversation they should be having semi-indirectly, without the clarity of physical presence to provide context for each other's assertions and opinions. Clive doesn't want to be misunderstood, nor does he want to misunderstand; how does he tell Joshua, over dispassionate text, that he wants nothing more than to be by his brother's side, to protect him as his shield in all the ways he'd failed to, but also desperately fears harming Joshua as a result?
it can't be done. so he'll have to take care of business in Dalimil-- quickly, at that. ]
I'll return to the Hideaway in two days' time.
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Joshua doesn't know what Clive is thinking, but a simple assent would be easy enough. Still... he does understand, to some extent. He knows that Clive worries about his weakness, the way that Ultima affects him. Though Joshua is a capable enough fighter, he doesn't have the sort of stamina or strength that Clive does, and he never will. Both Tarja and Jote have made it quite clear that he ought to take better care of himself.
But in Joshua's eyes, there really isn't time for that. And he can't fix his physical condition, and if that's the case, he would rather spend what time he has with Clive. It's what he's wanted for years.
Hopefully he can convince Clive of that.]
I'll hold my silence on the topic for now, then. Give Torgal my love - we will be waiting for you both to return.
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if anything happens to Joshua again, anything at all, it would break him.
so he stews in that promised silence between them. hones his focus on the internal affairs that ravage Dalimil time and time again, despite all the ways in which the clever Hare tries to keep his people together. swords are swung, and some men die. the way of the world, Clive tells himself, but the whole affair leaves a yawning chasm in his chest.
he's glad to be back, when he finally reaches the Hideaway. dust in his hair, sand stuck to his leathers. he leaves Torgal with Jill, leaves his reports with Otto, and leaves his gil with Charon before he finally has the time to meander through the skeletal framework of the Hideaway in search of Joshua.
the Infirmary is his best bet. he pushes past the door, quiet and careful; Tarja is curiously absent, but Clive brightens when he spots the (somewhat) familiar outline of his brother perched on one of the well-made cots. ]
Joshua, [ he breathes, relieved. ] I'm back.
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While he certainly wouldn't mind having his own space, Joshua has been quietly hoping that having a somewhat clean bill of health also means that he can begin accompanying Clive. The thought of his brother putting himself in danger, again and again... of course it's who he is, of course Joshua admires him for it. But he wants to be there, he wants to do what he can to help. Clive should not have to bear these burdens alone.
He smiles at the sight of Clive, an unconscious and immediate reaction.]
Welcome back, brother. [And he sets the book aside and stands, taking a few steps toward Clive to embrace him in greeting. The dust of the road means nothing to him, and neither does the idea that a grown man should be less open with gestures of affection. Hasn't he been deprived of this long enough? He'll hug his brother when and where he wishes.] You're well, I hope?
[Joshua steps back, as if to look him over and ensure that's the case. He doesn't have quite the sharp eye of Tarja, but someone needs to be certain Clive is looked after.]
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I've some bruises― mostly to my ego. [ a joke. he doesn't have an ego to speak of. ] But I'm whole.
[ a long, coeurl-whisker-shaped discoloration under his shirt, and general weariness that comes from travel and fighting. the sort of physical toll that he's been enduring since he was old enough to swing a sword.
a hand lifts from the crest of Joshua's shoulder, and rests on soft blond hair. ] Have the others been treating you well?
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Very well. Lady Tarja is terrifying, but also terrifyingly competent. And everyone else - they've been quite kind. [He's silent for a moment.] It's... odd, being somewhere I don't need to lie about who I am.
[Here, everyone knows he's Clive's brother, and it's no secret that he's the Phoenix as well. Joshua has kept both of those secrets from everyone except the Undying for years now. He's still learning what it means to be known as who he is - though really, so far all it's meant is that he can occasionally wheedle stories about Clive from the residents here.]
You've built an incredible place. Now that you're back, I'll expect a tour before long.
[Teasing, just a bit, as he studies Clive's face to be sure he really is well.]
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the monster inside Clive flares in recognition at the presence of the Phoenix. one hand― the one not currently occupied ruffling Joshua's hair― instinctively moves to his heart, almost as if to cage the thing threatening to spill out of his chest.
a breath, in and out. ]
...Long overdue, I think. [ regarding the tour. his voice scrapes a bit; calm, he tells Ifrit in the safety of his head. ] I'm sorry, Joshua. It wasn't my intention to keep you hidden away.
[ though it seems like Joshua's already made friends with Harpocrates, with the stacks he's been accruing next to his bed. a quick smile, and Clive finally lets his brother go, properly. ]
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I needed the rest.
[Much as he might hate to admit it, he knows when he’s taxed himself too far. Rather than hidden, he felt - protected in a way he hasn’t felt in some time. Restless as he might get, it hasn’t been unpleasant at all.]
You’re not headed back out again soon, are you? You look like you might be able to use some rest as well.
[He takes Clive’s arm, tugging gently but insistently, pulling him down so they can both sit on the edge of the bed. Close, but not too close. If he feels a bit warm when Clive is near, that can easily be blamed on the Phoenix. Though truly, what’s the difference between that and his own heart?
But Clive does look tired, and if he won’t look after himself properly, that means Joshua gets to do it, with all the power of an annoying younger brother.]
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I remember when you would try to convince Lord Murdoch that I needed more rest. [ he recounts softly, moving to unfasten his gauntlets and cape to relieve himself of a bit of weight. ] He obliged you when asked, but he bade me circle the courtyard twice as fast the next day.
[ not to blame Joshua for trying― it's a fond memory. they were, the both of them, so dedicated to seeing to it that Clive would always be ready if anything were to befall Rosaria. it had given Clive so much purpose, so much pride.
a smile, as he lowers one clunky armor piece onto clean sheets. ]
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Joshua reaches out, ready to remove some of that armor, to take it from Clive’s hands and set it aside. Just a little weight off his shoulders.]
I always feared he was just humoring me. I thought since you were my Shield, shouldn’t I be able to decide how hard you worked?
[Joshua smiles to himself, thinking of it. He loved Clive for working so hard, but even then feared that he might hurt himself, and Joshua never wanted to be the cause of that. Older now, Joshua knows that it wasn’t only about him - that Clive wanted a place in their family, a role that he belonged in. He always had a steadfast heart. He deserved so much better than he got.]
Perhaps I’ll have more influence this time, if I’m very lucky.
[Tarja might be annoyed about the sheets later, but Joshua hardly notices now, setting another dusty piece of armor down.]
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'Perhaps'. [ a hum, as he elbows Joshua. playful, light. ] If there are less recipes that need making, and less moody Blacksmiths that need cheering up.
[ with apologies to Blackthorne, a lovely man who deserves a pick-me-up every now and then. Clive is all too happy to oblige the many, many pedestrian requests that the people of the Hideaway demand of him; compared to the unrelenting grind of war and disaster, finding flowers to use for esoteric purposes is a welcome change of pace.
which is a somewhat clunky segue into the bighorn in the room: ] ―But you mentioned wanting to come along on some of these unglamorous outings.
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[He's been thinking about it since then. With little else to do when he's supposed to be resting, Joshua's had plenty of time to think. To prepare his arguments, even, though he knows it probably won't be as straightforward as he would like. Still, he'll try.]
I know Torgal is the best companion anyone could ask for, but he shouldn't be the only one with you. I'm capable enough with a sword, and my health is much improved. There seems to be an endless list of tasks for you to take care of - let me come along. I'm certain I can help.
[He leaves out an argument that he thought of, but decided would likely end up counting against him: he can use the power of the Phoenix should Clive ever be injured. Joshua remembers well how it was thought of as a waste for him to use the eikon's powers to heal injuries, since it does come at a cost to him - but he doesn't care. He never has. He'll gladly call on the Phoenix to protect Clive from harm.]
I've done quite a bit of traveling, too. I may have contacts that can assist us.
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it would be a disservice to treat Joshua like the child he isn't. like some frail thing that would break at the first sign of hardship. Clive has been Joshua's hardship― dig a little deeper into the horrors of his past, and he can still feel Joshua breaking under Ifrit's hands.
a breath, in and out. ] Joshua. I don't doubt that you can help. [ he doesn't. it's sincerely meant, lest Joshua ever undeservedly think himself incapable. ] It's only that―
[ his brows furrow, and blue eyes shutter closed for a fraction of a second. ]
―You've already sacrificed so much of yourself for my sake. You've burned your candle at both ends for my safety, while I knew nothing of it.
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The truth, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't think it needs to be said, really. Joshua doesn't regret anything he's done. Not the long days of traveling, not the nights poring over ancient tomes, not squinting into the darkness of ruins to try to make out what a carving might be. The tightness in his chest, the ache of Ultima clawing at its prison, none of it has ever changed his mind on any of this.
Clive is here, alive and in front of him, so it's all been worth it.]
While I was doing that, you were fighting for all of Valisthea. It's only fair that I look after you. I simply want to continue doing that.
[A smile then, to counter Clive's furrowed brow.]
Besides, just think of what I might get up to if you leave me here. I certainly don't intend to just lay around while you go out and do all this work.
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Joshua. [ only a half-protest. ] If anything happens to you―
[ he trails off, already anticipating the next counterattack. "don't let anything happen to me, then". backed into his own corner.
another sigh, louder this time. ] You know I don't want to be another cage to keep you in.
[ It's almost a fine, you win. His ever-warm palm travels to the crest of Joshua's knee, and squeezes lightly. ]
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[Clive's touch is - steadying. A touch distracting, but pleasantly so. Joshua does think it's a bit unfair that, despite the Phoenix, he's never run quite as warm as Clive. He leans in, just a little, bumping his shoulder against Clive's.]
I'll be safer with you than I would be anywhere else.
[Just another way of saying 'don't let anything happen to me, then', really. But Joshua truly believes it. Clive knelt before him, so many years ago, and swore to protect him, and despite everything that's happened Joshua doesn't believe he's ever broken that vow. Not willingly, not by his own choice, and Joshua has never blamed him for what happened that dark night at Phoenix Gate.]
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I'll be safer with you, Joshua offers. A preposterous, precious thing to be told. Gutting and fortifying in the same breath. ]
...Alright. I yield. [ Bedsprings creak under his weight; Clive lifts himself off the mattress, settling himself on the floor to situate himself in front of Joshua, knee bent and head bowed.
A renewal of his oath. He takes Joshua's hand, and presses it against his forehead with all the reverence and conviction he can muster, eyes closed and shoulders braced. ]
And I swear to you that this time― this time, I'll protect you with my life. I promise it.
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It wouldn't truly make a difference whether he did or not, not really. Joshua trusts him implicitly regardless, and would leave his safety in Clive's hands whether or not any vow was involved. But still it makes some unnameable emotion swell in his chest, his hand tightens on Clive's just a little.]
I will endeavor to ensure that you never have to.
[He says it softly, but it's a vow as well, in its own way. He never wants Clive to have to give his life to protect him. He knows that Clive would - but hasn't everything Joshua has done been to keep his brother safe? This, too. Joshua intends to stay by his side until his body will no longer allow it.
He smiles just a little, and says with honesty:] You needn't say 'this time'. You've never failed me.
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Clive lifts his head. Opens his eyes, too, to meet that little smile, and tries to return it in kind; he only half-manages it, with his brows turned down and slightly furrowed. ]
...And they say I spoil you. [ A low huff, without bitterness. Just a tinge of melancholy, and handfuls of nostalgia. ] They clearly never saw how you indulge me.
[ Another attempt to curl his lips up, this time to more success. His expression grows fond, and he gives the hand he's still holding a light squeeze. ]
"Joshua the Magnanimous".
[ Low, but playfully. ]
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There's a bittersweetness to the thought. It's much easier to tease Clive a little than to be honest about the depth of his own emotions.]
Well, someone has to spoil you. You certainly aren't going to do it yourself. [And if Joshua can singlehandedly make up for all the burdens, all the miseries that have been heaped upon Clive - well, he knows he can't, but at least he can lighten Clive's mood a bit from time to time. Make him smile. Stay by his side.] Besides, really you're just letting me have my way again. They're right. You do spoil me.
[He tugs at Clive's hand, wanting him up off his knees.]
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This, he finds, makes him happy. Being near Joshua, speaking about anything at all. The sort of happiness that lights something bright in him, and casts an even darker shadow: something monstrous that Clive keeps sealed shut and looks away from, lest he put a name to it and ruin everything that they've finally begun to rebuild.
Joshua, his Phoenix. Clive was born to protect him, and that needs to be enough. ]
Maybe I just enjoy eating the carrots off your plate. [ The smile stays, small but genuine. ] I may not be as selfless as you think.
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And they’ll be traveling together soon, right? He’ll get plenty of time to talk to Clive, to learn the little things that his information-gathering from afar never could.
But even so, he wants just a little more time now. Surely he’s allowed that, just for a little while longer.]
Is that so? [He smiles up at Clive, heedless of being somewhat loomed over.] I’m not sure I believe that. What was the last truly selfish thing you did, then?
[His tone is still teasing, but even so, it’s an honest question.]
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(And for that terrible, inextricable thing inside him to stir again, wriggling in the back of his skull, whispering I held you, I touched your hair, I kept you close. He really is a monster.)
The moment comes and goes; he releases tension with a sigh-laugh. ]
You think me some sort of saint, but I'm only a man.
[ Tarja, always on his case about 'being careful'; Jill, who sometimes looks at him with the sort of distant melancholy that says that she knows he's making her heel. Selfish and petty. Or, at least, Clive thinks so. ]
―You'll see me being petty soon enough. At least give me the time to prepare for when you start thinking less of me.
[ One hand moves forward as if to pat Joshua's head again, but stops mid-motion. Fingers curl back, and the palm tucks itself by his side once more. ]
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