To an island off the coast, [ Clive offers, unhelpfully, as they load themselves up on yet another boat journey across water. Mercifully, this trip is shorter than the last one― just a few quick minutes of paddling, made faster by the fact that Clive is no longer 15 with still-developing muscles.
After some maneuvering, and with more conviction: ] ...A place I kept to myself, back when we were still children. A rookery that fell into disuse ages ago― I thought I would show it to you.
[ An escape, Clive means. He hadn't even thought of it as such, he recalls: just a place to be when everything became too much, which made him feel worse for running away. Not a place to be himself, but a place where he could be nothing. To not exist, the way he'd sometimes thought the world wanted of him.
He doesn't want to say all that. So he rows, eyes cast towards the quickly-approaching island in the distance, without looking at Jill. He doesn't want to upset her. ]
But it's high time I finally showed you all of me.
[Her heart aches with love for him. It's an honor to be his confidant, his partner, and to simply be a part of his life. To be the one he wishes to share all these parts of himself with feels too good to be true.]
I hope you've come to realize that every time you where here, I must have been missing your company.
[That young girl would be over the moon to see where she is now.]
Every time you were out of sight... though I can't say much has changed in that regard over the years.
[ Oh. Blue eyes flick back to Jill unwittingly, as if he's surprised by this new revelation. He is, a little. In childhood, he'd been so desperate to carry the weight of everything he'd yet to come to terms with― it humbles him to think of what he'd overlooked in those moment of teenage angst.
He softens, as he paddles them both across the last leg of their journey. The rickety skiff hits the edge of the island's rocky shore, and he gets out first to extend the same hand that he knows he'll always extend to Jill, in every place and in every situation. ]
I was such a child. I should have given more thought to what I had right in front of me.
[ He waits until Jill hops on shore to bring her hand up to press a soft kiss to her knuckles, careful and reverent. ]
―The rookery's not far from here. Let's go.
[ And, as promised, it's just over the hill: a little thing, sturdy on its wooden legs despite the years. Clive gestures towards it, and motions for her to go in first if she'd like. ]
[A boy that deserved to be loved and cherished by both of his parents. Anabella is the easiest to hate, but as Jill grows older and she spends more time with the Hideaway children, she can't imagine being a parent turning a blind eye to how Clive was treated. Everyone saw it. How could his father allow it?
Jill takes Clive's hand allows him to guide them along. With a glance to him, she heads inside, ducking beneath some low hanging greenery that's forced its way in over the years.]
It's very quiet here.
[Again, she's glad he had this place to simply exist.]
[ The space is small but tidy, with a thin layer of dust covering some of the items that have sat untouched for years. Clive finds a stool for Jill to sit on if she wants, though he runs a palm over the surface of the seat to clean it off first.
Around them are small trinkets that she might recognize: a few wooden toys, blocks to arrange in to simple castles, a blanket that looks like it might have belonged in the barracks. There's a stack of armor pieces and charred leathers that Clive now knows that Torgal brought in from Phoenix Gate; the practice sword has already been retrieved and displayed on his wall of trinkets back at the Hideaway. It's an altogether lonely little spot, but Clive looks upon it with fondness as he crouches by a small rocking horse toy and tips it with an index finger to watch it sway. ]
Very quiet. And far enough away from the castle that I could pretend I had nothing to do with everything that was in it.
[ His mother, his training, his failures. He glances towards Jill, blue eyes soft. ]
I used to feel... so angry, at times. So frustrated with everything that I failed to be. I would look at myself and wonder, sometimes, why it was that I was born at all.
[She acknowledges the stool with a polite nod and a smile, but she's more interested in his little collection here. Clive does like his mementos. His wall at the Hideaway, his collection of books he once had in his room, this place. He's far more sentimental than some would give him credit for. It's just one of many things Jill adores about him.
Terrible, that he would find more comfort here than in his mother's arms. Jill's memories of her own mother fade with each passing year, but she does remember her embrace. Enjoying it. Seeking it out for comfort, and longing for it once she found herself in Rosaria, knowing she'd never see her parents again. She knows her mother mourned her. Anabella likely only ever mourned that Clive was born at all.]
It was cruel that you were made to feel that way. [And, again, his father was not innocent in that. Jill steps over to Clive to put a hand on his arm, nothing but sympathy in her eyes.] I wish I had the courage and the words then to tell you I saw it. That you weren't alone.
[But, as she'd only just said: they were children. So young.]
[ So young. All of them too young for the trials that came too early. Jill had everything taken from her― her homeland to the Blight, her family by Rosaria― and yet, she still had so much grace for the family that displaced her. So much so that she's still here, with him, placing her heart in his undeserving hands.
She's more than anyone deserves. The strongest, noblest soul that Clive knows. He feels her touch against his arm, and feels bolstered in a way that he knows nothing and no one else could ever replicate. ]
I wasn't. [ Turning to her, he reaches with both hands to frame her shoulders. Gently, but firmly. ] I know now that you were the home that I'd returned to, after spending my darkest hours in this place.
[ She would always find him, and would always smile at him with those beautiful, sad eyes― almost as if she knew, and didn't have the heart to say. ]
[To know, even belatedly, soothes something in her heart. She smiles as she places her hands on his wrists, holding simply to hold.]
And you'll never be alone. Because you have me.
[There are more people in his life that openly care for him now, and Jill is so very grateful for that. People that love him for him, and not for any title or banner or service. As it always should have been.
But she has no plan to ever leave his side. She's meant to be wherever he is.]
It's indescribable, how that makes him feel. Warm, proud, full of purpose. Like he finally has the courage to do anything it takes to make sure that there's a kind, gentle world that he and Jill can live in until the end of their days, like he could endure anything just for the barest glimpse of Jill's smile.
He loves her. She must know― and she does. They've held this truth for ages now, sanctified it in their silence. But it bears saying, and more importantly, Clive wants to say it. Needs to. It's an emotion decades in the making, fortified and forged in pain and uncertainty and everything they've ever shared during a lifetime that's been more difficult than not.
He loves her. He lifts one hand off Jill's shoulder to brush a piece of hair from her face, and he thinks he must be trembling. ]
You are everything to me.
[ A thumb sweeps over the crest of her cheekbones. ]
My moon, my stars, my life. Jill― [ His breath shudders once, but steadies on the next exhale. ]
[She does know. She's never happier than she is beside him. These new days together, embracing the adoration and respect between them, have been some of the best of her life. As she looks upon the face of the man she loves, she can see how important she is to him, even without the words. It feels right. They're supposed to be together. Everything that's happened--good and bad--has led them here.
So, when he says the words, Jill isn't surprised. Her thumbs brush over his wrists, hoping he can feel it through his armor, her absolute love and support. He loves her, and she loves him, and all is right in the world. Jill can feel her eyes grow misty, smile rounding her cheeks, and she cuts the short distance between them to embrace him.]
Oh, I know. I know. I love you, too.
[She sighs because it is such a relief to finally say the words without stealing the moment from him. The thought makes her laugh, along with the giddy joy of hearing him say the words, and she squeezes him as tightly as she can.]
[ I know has never sounded so sweet, but it's beaten, handily, by I love you, too. His heart swells at the sight of her smile, and nearly bursts when she laughs and pulls her arms around him.
This is the moment he wants to remember until the day he dies. Clive returns the embrace, arms around her middle and face tucked into her hair, eyes a little moist from his own surplus of emotion; he keeps her there for as long as he can manage until the need to kiss her becomes too much to bear, and he dislodges himself for just long enough to tip Jill's chin and press their lips together, sweet and soft. ]
I love you, [ he murmurs again, between kisses. ] I love you, Jill.
[ Like he can't stop saying it, now that he has. It's ridiculous, unfitting of a man well into his thirties, but he doesn't care. ]
[ Clive finally relinquishes the kisses, mostly because he thinks he might smother Jill with them. A breath, slightly short, and he bumps foreheads with her briefly, rubbing noses before he allows her a bit more grace and space. ]
And if you'd do me the honor, may you love me for the rest of it.
[Oh. Oops. Jill's eyes widen as she realizes she's just caused a panic when she truly didn't mean to--and it makes her heart jump in turn. He's said yes, essentially, but she didn't mean to make him feel unprepared.]
Ah--[In her panic, she grabs his face. Calm!! They've got this.] Wait. It's alright. I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Clive.
[ Torn between polarities: being impossibly happy that Jill says yes, and a little mortified at himself for jumping the proverbial gun. Clive clears his throat, nuzzles against the palm of Jill's hand, and closes his eyes for a brief moment to regroup.
Panic, begone. Thirty-three years into his life, and he still feels like a boy in front of the woman he loves. ]
―When all of this is over. I promise you, Jill.
[ Rings, his future, a title that isn't Outlaw. He would like to be her husband, if only she'll let him. ]
[Like today. It's perfect, to her. A cool afternoon, quiet, private. In this place that meant so much to him. A place that still does. She takes advantage of having his face in her hands to pull him down for a kiss before she goes for another tight embrace, happy.]
I want to see the rest of the world with you, Clive. And, when the time comes, settle down together. Whatever that looks like.
[ No matter how many times they kiss, Clive's heart always flutters afterwards, as if it's the first time he's ever touched her. He wasn't lying when he'd said that she means everything to him, and telling her so here, in this small space where the world sometimes felt insurmountable, puts his current state of things in perspective.
He's lucky. Some people live a lifetime without knowing what it's like to put their heart in someone else's hands. He has never been defined by tragedy, because he'd always had the blessing of the woman he was meant to be with forever.
Nosing against Jill's hair, Clive nods. ]
We will. I'll make sure of it. [ His palm splays at the small of her back, firm and protective. ] ...And you'll have all the freshly-baked bread you can eat.
[There's little she wouldn't do to hear that laugh. She snuggles into his embrace, his chest, smiling. Always smiling, with him.]
Is that all it takes to keep me content?
[She teases. She does enjoy her bread--but she would prefer to sink her teeth into him. Convenient, then, that his bare neck is right here! She breathes out a laugh, moving her face to playfully nip at his skin.]
[ A new, exciting thing he's found about Jill, after all these years: she's a biter. It's a thrilling piece of information that Clive is, admittedly, very happy about－ he hasn't said anything for fear of making her think he's a freak, but he huffs pleasantly to the feeling of her teeth in his skin, and rewards her with a combing of fingers through her long hair. ]
I think it might make you happy. [ Obviously, bread is not going to be the end-all be-all of their relationship, but: ] I may even learn to bake, just to please you.
[To be fair, Jill's also found out she's a biter. Perhaps she is because he enjoys it so much, and she thoroughly enjoys getting shivers out of him. Her lips press to his skin after, as always. Affection to soothe the sting.]
Oh, let's not test the depths of your patience.
[Please, Clive. Jill believes in many things, but his ability to bake? Not so much. She laughs as she hugs him.]
I may even manage not to burn anything, [ is definitely an Ifrit-adjacent joke. Sometimes it still feels like it's too soon (it will always feel like it's too soon; Phoenix Gate still looms over him on restless, sleepless nights), but with Jill, even his past sins are easier to bear.
He pulls back, just for the luxury of looking at her. I adore you, he thinks, and the sentiment bleeds into the softening of his expression, the way his ocean-blue eyes gentle. ]
...We should go. I can feel the ghost of my childhood self starting to get jealous.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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After some maneuvering, and with more conviction: ] ...A place I kept to myself, back when we were still children. A rookery that fell into disuse ages ago― I thought I would show it to you.
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Your escape.
[Away from his mother, his place in the family. Did he pretend to be free of duty, then?]
Funny how that manages to give me some peace of mind. I'm glad you had somewhere that was yours and yours alone to retreat to, Clive.
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[ An escape, Clive means. He hadn't even thought of it as such, he recalls: just a place to be when everything became too much, which made him feel worse for running away. Not a place to be himself, but a place where he could be nothing. To not exist, the way he'd sometimes thought the world wanted of him.
He doesn't want to say all that. So he rows, eyes cast towards the quickly-approaching island in the distance, without looking at Jill. He doesn't want to upset her. ]
But it's high time I finally showed you all of me.
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I hope you've come to realize that every time you where here, I must have been missing your company.
[That young girl would be over the moon to see where she is now.]
Every time you were out of sight... though I can't say much has changed in that regard over the years.
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He softens, as he paddles them both across the last leg of their journey. The rickety skiff hits the edge of the island's rocky shore, and he gets out first to extend the same hand that he knows he'll always extend to Jill, in every place and in every situation. ]
I was such a child. I should have given more thought to what I had right in front of me.
[ He waits until Jill hops on shore to bring her hand up to press a soft kiss to her knuckles, careful and reverent. ]
―The rookery's not far from here. Let's go.
[ And, as promised, it's just over the hill: a little thing, sturdy on its wooden legs despite the years. Clive gestures towards it, and motions for her to go in first if she'd like. ]
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[A boy that deserved to be loved and cherished by both of his parents. Anabella is the easiest to hate, but as Jill grows older and she spends more time with the Hideaway children, she can't imagine being a parent turning a blind eye to how Clive was treated. Everyone saw it. How could his father allow it?
Jill takes Clive's hand allows him to guide them along. With a glance to him, she heads inside, ducking beneath some low hanging greenery that's forced its way in over the years.]
It's very quiet here.
[Again, she's glad he had this place to simply exist.]
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Around them are small trinkets that she might recognize: a few wooden toys, blocks to arrange in to simple castles, a blanket that looks like it might have belonged in the barracks. There's a stack of armor pieces and charred leathers that Clive now knows that Torgal brought in from Phoenix Gate; the practice sword has already been retrieved and displayed on his wall of trinkets back at the Hideaway. It's an altogether lonely little spot, but Clive looks upon it with fondness as he crouches by a small rocking horse toy and tips it with an index finger to watch it sway. ]
Very quiet. And far enough away from the castle that I could pretend I had nothing to do with everything that was in it.
[ His mother, his training, his failures. He glances towards Jill, blue eyes soft. ]
I used to feel... so angry, at times. So frustrated with everything that I failed to be. I would look at myself and wonder, sometimes, why it was that I was born at all.
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Terrible, that he would find more comfort here than in his mother's arms. Jill's memories of her own mother fade with each passing year, but she does remember her embrace. Enjoying it. Seeking it out for comfort, and longing for it once she found herself in Rosaria, knowing she'd never see her parents again. She knows her mother mourned her. Anabella likely only ever mourned that Clive was born at all.]
It was cruel that you were made to feel that way. [And, again, his father was not innocent in that. Jill steps over to Clive to put a hand on his arm, nothing but sympathy in her eyes.] I wish I had the courage and the words then to tell you I saw it. That you weren't alone.
[But, as she'd only just said: they were children. So young.]
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She's more than anyone deserves. The strongest, noblest soul that Clive knows. He feels her touch against his arm, and feels bolstered in a way that he knows nothing and no one else could ever replicate. ]
I wasn't. [ Turning to her, he reaches with both hands to frame her shoulders. Gently, but firmly. ] I know now that you were the home that I'd returned to, after spending my darkest hours in this place.
[ She would always find him, and would always smile at him with those beautiful, sad eyes― almost as if she knew, and didn't have the heart to say. ]
I was never alone, Jill. Because I had you.
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And you'll never be alone. Because you have me.
[There are more people in his life that openly care for him now, and Jill is so very grateful for that. People that love him for him, and not for any title or banner or service. As it always should have been.
But she has no plan to ever leave his side. She's meant to be wherever he is.]
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It's indescribable, how that makes him feel. Warm, proud, full of purpose. Like he finally has the courage to do anything it takes to make sure that there's a kind, gentle world that he and Jill can live in until the end of their days, like he could endure anything just for the barest glimpse of Jill's smile.
He loves her. She must know― and she does. They've held this truth for ages now, sanctified it in their silence. But it bears saying, and more importantly, Clive wants to say it. Needs to. It's an emotion decades in the making, fortified and forged in pain and uncertainty and everything they've ever shared during a lifetime that's been more difficult than not.
He loves her. He lifts one hand off Jill's shoulder to brush a piece of hair from her face, and he thinks he must be trembling. ]
You are everything to me.
[ A thumb sweeps over the crest of her cheekbones. ]
My moon, my stars, my life. Jill― [ His breath shudders once, but steadies on the next exhale. ]
―I love you.
😭😭😭😭😭😭
So, when he says the words, Jill isn't surprised. Her thumbs brush over his wrists, hoping he can feel it through his armor, her absolute love and support. He loves her, and she loves him, and all is right in the world. Jill can feel her eyes grow misty, smile rounding her cheeks, and she cuts the short distance between them to embrace him.]
Oh, I know. I know. I love you, too.
[She sighs because it is such a relief to finally say the words without stealing the moment from him. The thought makes her laugh, along with the giddy joy of hearing him say the words, and she squeezes him as tightly as she can.]
🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹
This is the moment he wants to remember until the day he dies. Clive returns the embrace, arms around her middle and face tucked into her hair, eyes a little moist from his own surplus of emotion; he keeps her there for as long as he can manage until the need to kiss her becomes too much to bear, and he dislodges himself for just long enough to tip Jill's chin and press their lips together, sweet and soft. ]
I love you, [ he murmurs again, between kisses. ] I love you, Jill.
[ Like he can't stop saying it, now that he has. It's ridiculous, unfitting of a man well into his thirties, but he doesn't care. ]
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I love you, Clive.
[And how easy and effortless that is.]
I can't imagine not loving you. I've loved you nearly my whole life.
[Even when she thought him dead. Even at his worst, when he thought he killed his brother. Nothing could change how she feels.]
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And if you'd do me the honor, may you love me for the rest of it.
[ Together, always. ]
I want my life to be yours.
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Careful. Those sound like vows, Clive.
[... are they?]
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I－ [ Invisible dog ears droop. ] ―They are. As much of them as I can make in the moment, mind.
[ Fumbling a little: ] ―I've no rings ready. [ Malewife panic!!! ]
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Ah--[In her panic, she grabs his face. Calm!! They've got this.] Wait. It's alright. I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Clive.
[She laughs, jittery, apologetic.]
The answer would be yes, always.
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Panic, begone. Thirty-three years into his life, and he still feels like a boy in front of the woman he loves. ]
―When all of this is over. I promise you, Jill.
[ Rings, his future, a title that isn't Outlaw. He would like to be her husband, if only she'll let him. ]
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[Like today. It's perfect, to her. A cool afternoon, quiet, private. In this place that meant so much to him. A place that still does. She takes advantage of having his face in her hands to pull him down for a kiss before she goes for another tight embrace, happy.]
I want to see the rest of the world with you, Clive. And, when the time comes, settle down together. Whatever that looks like.
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He's lucky. Some people live a lifetime without knowing what it's like to put their heart in someone else's hands. He has never been defined by tragedy, because he'd always had the blessing of the woman he was meant to be with forever.
Nosing against Jill's hair, Clive nods. ]
We will. I'll make sure of it. [ His palm splays at the small of her back, firm and protective. ] ...And you'll have all the freshly-baked bread you can eat.
[ A small, shy laugh. ]
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Is that all it takes to keep me content?
[She teases. She does enjoy her bread--but she would prefer to sink her teeth into him. Convenient, then, that his bare neck is right here! She breathes out a laugh, moving her face to playfully nip at his skin.]
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I think it might make you happy. [ Obviously, bread is not going to be the end-all be-all of their relationship, but: ] I may even learn to bake, just to please you.
[ haha jk (unless...?) ]
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Oh, let's not test the depths of your patience.
[Please, Clive. Jill believes in many things, but his ability to bake? Not so much. She laughs as she hugs him.]
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He pulls back, just for the luxury of looking at her. I adore you, he thinks, and the sentiment bleeds into the softening of his expression, the way his ocean-blue eyes gentle. ]
...We should go. I can feel the ghost of my childhood self starting to get jealous.
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apologies for the slowness...! finally back from work-related traveling 🙏
welcome back!!! did you see the logos video the 16 team dropped yesterday 👀👀👀
I DID and i'm begging at SE's altar for content... clive journals about jill... ben starr please
if he doesn't go on about his wifey it's on sight, ben starr
i refuse to believe that clive's journals aren't 95% about wanting to kiss jill
this is canon tbh
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dear diary: we did it 💖
dear diary: we fucked and i cried about it 💖
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